BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids We didn't have time to think about it...

I was chatting to an elderly friend before I left Australia...we started to talk about life in the 40s...she was married in 1940 at just 19 years old - her husband was 24...
She said something quite interesting...she knows a few "young" women who have decided not to have children. She said she could see why...when you get a chance to enjoy life together as a couple, it's harder to give it all up - her theory...the longer you leave it, the harder it becomes - it becomes a HUGE decision rather than just a decision.
She was pregnant 4 months after she married - contraception was unreliable - most of her friends were also, pregnant shortly after they married. Most people married quickly - rather than risk pregnancy outside marriage and a long courtship/engagement abstaining from sex was often difficult. So, most people married fairly quickly...
Her friends that weren't pregnant a year or so after marriage, she assumed were infertile.
She felt the only way to be sure of being CF in her young life would have been to remain single and celibate.
One of her nursing friends didn't want children (although she didn't advertise this shocking fact) and remained single (& never had a sexual relationship) - working her way up to the position of matron.
It makes you realize how much we take for granted these days - reliable contraception, the right to work...the list is endless.
I was wondering:-
Do you agree that the longer a couple are together (without kids) - the harder it is to have child/ren?
I certainly see couples "putting it off" for years so, they can enjoy their careers, travel and lifestyle - that can be hard to give up...BUT, there is also, another group that continually delay pregnancy for a "reason" (acknowledged or not)- they're unsure/uncomfortable/apprehensive with/about parenthood.
This lady almost died giving birth to her son...she didn't want any more children so spent the rest of her fertile life afraid to have sex with her husband...she didn't go into specifics but said they were so "careful" it put some distance in their relationship - they became friends more than lovers...
They remained a devoted couple until his death last year.
Made me think that if I had been a young woman in that era - my only option would have been a single, celibate life...or to be married and know that pregnancy was "out of my control" unless my husband became my friend and nothing more....Hard, very hard...
We should all get down on our knees and thank our lucky stars!

I think that it is harder to have kids the longer a couple is together. I mean my husband and I are very comfortable with our lifestyles now. It took us a long time to get financially stable and in a good "groove" in life. it took me years to get here and I am not ready to give that up. So I do think the longer a married couple stays together without kids it is hard. Plus you have more time to make a daily effort to remind oneself why there are no kids in the picture. I do not think that many people had the choices like we do now, not even 30 years ago. Having kids was just part of the picture.

Deborah, my husband and I were in Melbourne 2 years ago visiting my family that lives there. One of the coolest places on earth!! We may go back next year....another thing i could not do with kids.

I think it depends on the couple. For me and my husband, I think that's true. It would be really hard to modify our lives now - especially now that we're getting older and more set in our ways. lol! We're just used to a certain quality of life that allows for personal interests, time consuming projects, nice vacations, etc... that we wouldn't have if we had kids.

I don't do well with change in most circumstances. Our new little adopted dog is more hyper than we are used to and (while he's much better than he was when we first got him) he's altered our lifestyle quite a bit. Don't get me wrong, I love him, but at times his hyperness can be frusterating for mellow people like us.

I cannot begin to imagine how many ways a child would change our life. We've been married for over 15 years and we dated 8 years before that. After 23 years of being just a couple (with pets) the change that a kid would bring seems overwhelming to me.

I do think it's harder the longer you are without kids--especially if you don't handle change well.

Thanks for the post, Deborah. I enjoyed it because I often forget just how fortunate I am. I spend so much time complaining about what is wrong now that I forget that it's still an improvment over just about any time or place in history.

For my DH and I, with each passing day we become more horrified by the concept of having children. We feel like by deciding against kids, we dodged a HUGE bullet. Again, a great reminder at how fortunate we are.

Thanks YorkiesRCool - people often compare Melbourne and Sydney...
I like both cities but they're so different a comparison is a little unfair/difficult.
Sydney has the "big ticket" sightseeing - Harbour Bridge, Opera House, The Rocks, Botany Bay...
Melbourne doesn't have the amazing setting BUT, we have lifestyle - great restaurants, cafes, nightlife, theatre, shopping and a slightly slower pace of life...
AND, quite a few things worth seeing...
Hope you come back to visit us next year...

I may have a mind that permanently resides in the gutter, but the first thing I though when reading that was "Man! They probably didn't even have decent dildoes for some "relief" if they chose not to have sex either!"

I don't know if it's just the huge change in a couple's lifestyle or the fact they have actually put some thought into the decision to have kids.

The people who have had children as soon as they got married, took the attitude of, I guess that's the next step and they didn't really take a whole lot of time to think and talk about it. As a result, I see them as regretful in their decision.

The couples that really thought and communicated about this step waited a heck of a lot longer (if they had kids at all) and seem much more at peace with the choices they've made in life in general.

I absolutely would agree with this. My husband and I have been married for seven years, together for twelve, and we are extremely happy together, just the two of us. I can't imagine that a child would make us happier, but I can imagine that a child would make our lives more separate, would breed resentment, and would cause a lot of stress.

For the past few years on or around my birthday I've checked in with him to see how he feels about the "kid thing" and every year we both got a little more ambivalent. This year (I just turned 36) we more or less got off the fence on the childfree side and it was a HUGE relief. All that worrying I'd been doing about how things would change, the financial strain it would have, my lack of maternal instinct, it all disappeared overnight. I am perfectly happy with the idea of growing old with just my husband.

Hi, by the way! I'm a lurker and this is my first post.

Hi Absurd*bird and welcome to the forum!

This is such an interesting post. I love hearing about the lives of women in previous generations--I wish my grandmothers were still alive so I could get more of their stories too.

As for your question, I guess I would say it depends on what the couple's plan is. I know some who waited over five years to have kids but always knew they wanted them and so once they decided it was time it became almost an obsession to hurry up and get pregnant before it was too late. Then there's my DH and me--together almost 10 years and at the beginning I think we were on the fence a little, but after about 3 years together we were certain we didn't want kids. The longer we're together the more we are so glad we never had a kid earlier. My parents are another weird example. They were married for 7 years and had decided not to have kids, then suddenly my dad was wanting a baby--they ended up with 3 kids. They are also the ones who put pressure on DH and me, since they "know" it was better when they had kids after all!

I do feel so grateful that we have a choice now--we only have to deal with societal and cultural pressures, not unreliable or the lack of birth control.