Hi there everyone, my name is Natasha and i am new to this site and need help! I am 33 yrs old, and i had a MC on January 8, 2008 and i feel like my world is falling in around me! I was 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant and i am lost!
Here is my story....
IT was an unplanned pregnancy and I was on a birth control pill, even though it was an unplanned pregnancy it still hurts and once i got over the shock in about 2 days i was thrilled and excited...i had a baby growing in my belly...life..a child...they are gifts from god...and i felt blessed!
But this is where the story gets complicated...I have 2 wonderful children from a first marriage...Ryan who is now 15 and Rebecca 13! Yes i was only 18 when my first one was born, so i am no stranger to unplanned pregnancies! After my daughter was born I had my tubes tyed, because i didnt want any more, difficult pregnancies, large babies and 2 c-sections. But my husband and I didnt last we divorced when my youngest was 7. A year later I started dating again. He didnt have any children and we had wanted to have one. So after 2 yrs of saving and planning we had my tubes reversed. 3 months of recovery, and $2500.00 later...we had a 65% change of conceiving within the first 2 yrs. Soon after i had the surgery i was told i had type 2 diabetes and our changes of conceiving went down! But after lots of hard work of getting sugars under control we were pregnant...i had a very difficult pregnancy and was put on bed rest almost the time i found out i was pregnant...but Hunter was born on April 13, 2006 we couln't have been more thrilled! After Hunter was born we decieded it wouldnt be good for me to go threw that again, so he went and got fixed, so i wouldnt have to go threw another surgery. Had already had 3 c-sections, 2 hernia repairs, tubal and reveral! But when Hunter was a year and a half we spilt. But remained great friends unlike my first husband and I.
But 3 months after our break up (in a new province and not knowing anyone) i met someone else. He was everything a woman wants, caring, kind, romantic and loving. He was 10 yrs older than me and was coming out of a 25 yr relationship. He has 3 children who are almost grown (19, 16 and 7) we would joke about how between us we had 6 children! It didnt scare me or him. Before we were "together" we discussed birthcontrol and children he made it very clear that he didnt want anymore..i was fine with that. I had just lost 100 pounds and was feeling great. I was doing fun things, going to dinners, romantic walks, watching movies and making love.
Until one month my period was 3 days late. For those 3 days he called me a dozen times a day to see if "aunt flo" had started...and every time he'd remind me that he didnt want anymore children. He seemed to change and become distant. I was scared to death! ON december 16th, i did a home pregnancy test that came out postive...now i was really scared, I didnt know how to tell him. I didnt know how he would react. I had thoughts of running away and raising the baby alone and never telling him.
Two nights later he was at my apartment and he knew something was wrong, i was quiet, fearful and withdrawn. He kept telling me no matter what we would get threw what i was going threw because we loved eachother...that is until i told him i was pregnant. I broke down and told him, he turned white and started to sweat. This was the worst thing that every happened to him.
Over the next few weeks, he talked about abortion alot( which i dont believe it) I was under alot of stress, it was christmas i was alone with my 2 yr old the older children were with my ex-husband. When i broke down and called my parents they alone with Kevin kept telling me to get rid of it, like it was just some trash to throw out!
Kevin was becoming more and more distant and when he was around me he was moody and depressed!
On saturday Jan 5th, i took a taxi by myself to the hosptial because i was having some bleeding and lower back pains. After some blood tests and an ultrasound i was told my baby didnt have a heart beat, and was scheduled for a D & C for January 8th. When I told Kevin you could see the relief wash over his face, this nightmare for him was over and mine was just beginning.
I cried right up until they put me asleep and cried as soon as i woke up and have been crying pretty much ever since. The day of the D & C Kevin dropped me off at the house, told me to heal and get over this and he left! He came back 2 days later only to break up with me, because of something else. I feel empty inside, i have thoughts of sucide and blame. Maybe if I had never told him, maybe i wouldnt have been under so much stress and maybe the baby would still be alive.
So I had no support from him from the start, and now he doesnt even want to see me anymore, I am away from all my family and friends...alone and lost....and I feel like i will never get over this!
The worst of it...I blame Kevin.... I believe that he wished for this little helpless life to go away so much that it did!
I am waiting to go to a councelling group to try to help me get threw this but i can't wait i have to talk to someone, i need my story out there. I need someone to tell me that I am not wrong to have this feelings. That I should be mad at Kevin for acting like such an a@@...and i just need someone to talk to...
