BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Defining yourself through your kids

I went to a family funeral today - my Dad's cousin and someone significant when I was growing up in our wonderful extended family holidays on our piece of land by the sea (at Piha, Pikasam).

I met up with all sorts of cousins, aunts, great uncles, second cousins - it was pretty fabulous really.

I bumped into my cousin and his wife, who have 3 kids. I said to my cousin's wife D "How are you? What are you up to?" Her first response was "Great, it's B's (oldest son) first day at university today so a very exciting day!"

Later we were talking about a time a couple of years back when I bumped into them and their kids by chance in another city. She had run up to me and said "oh my God - hi!!!" and we had made an overt display of hugging, being amazed etc. She told me today how her three kids afterwards had said "Who was that lady Mummy, you acted so weird, it was embarassing!'. Then she said to me "They are right, I did act weird, but it was exciting to see you and maybe one day when they grow up and it happens to them, they will understand".

It occurred to me that she is living her life through her kids and their opinions/achievements in a way that I couldn't even imagine. It is like some parents just stop achieving things for themselves and put all the focus on their kids. Also, I found her comment about the kids thinking she was acting weird to be incredibly "small-world"ish. I guess her world is a suburban world with kids.

I think I wouldn't make a great Mum because I am still too interested in things I can achieve and want to yet achieve. And when someone asks me what I am up to I love being able to talk about my work or my international speaking engagements.

This was the first time, by the way, that I went to such a big family event NOT feeling inadequate beause I didn't have kids. I felt confident and secure. I asked another cousin how she was and how old her son was now. She said wearily "he's 14, going on 20. At least he thinks he is. He is pushing all the boundaries and being a cocky teenager." I felt SOOOO glad that wasn't me, facing 5 or 6 more years of it.

I was proud to update my extended family about my work in the arts. Not one person bingoed me. My assurance may be coming through??

Anyway, the original point of my post was to talk about how parents often live through their kids and how I couldn't bear to be like that.

"How are you? What are you up to?" Her first response was "Great, it's B's (oldest son) first day at university today so a very exciting day!"

It must be sad to not even be able to tell a relative what YOU are up to because you're so caught up in what your young adult offspring are doing. I don't envy her that loss of interests and identity... essentially, loss of LIFE. Sorry if that comes across as harsh.

The scariest part is how common this response type is. Hearing things like that makes me more certain that one's life ends (or at least takes a 20+ year hiatus) when one's kid's life begins. Why in the world would anyone sign up for that? 20 years is nearly a third of the average lifespan... and some people never get back to themselves. They just keep on living through their kids and the grandkids they nagged about getting.

I do find that a lot of parents live through their children. For example, I have two female friends that are older than me and have kids, and they're vastly different. One, who I'm not as close to, has two teenage girls and she's constantly talking about what they're up to. You ask her how she's doing and she tells you about the recent dance competition they were in, or the new car one got, etc.

Then my closest female friend, who has one teenage boy, is completely opposite. She has plenty in her own life to talk about that does not necessarily involved her son. She tells me what he's up to if I ask or she'll tell me a funny story, but she does not define her existence by being a mother. Maybe that's why she's my friend.

I remember my parents sort of living through me. It was nice that they were so proud of my accomplishments and I was grateful that they were so supportive of my hopes and dreams. However, it was sometimes exhausting to meet their expectations because they had not lived the life they wanted because they had children. Their hopes were pinned on me alone, since my older sister is disabled. I remember realizing this at an early age - which is probably yet another reason I chose to not have children. I want to live MY OWN life, not a life through someone else.

And it is late and I'm rambling, so now I'm off to bed...

I see too much of this in another online community. So many people have screen names like "momof2" or "billysmom", and I just wonder, "Who were you before you became this? Who are you in spite of this? What happened to completely swallow your identity?"

Funny you should bring this up--I was just thinking about it over the weekend. I was getting a birthday card ready to mail to a friend out of state (we actually used to be super close friends until she had a baby) and I realized I had NO idea what to write in the card! Since they had their baby 10 months ago the only news I get from her is what's up with her baby...I don't know anything about her anymore. It's sad really because she used to be involved in so many activities and have so many interesting things to say and talk about. Now I just hear about how the baby's trying to crawl and laughs when he sees the dog. Cute, but where the heck is my friend?!

My SIL is like this. Her whole world revolves around her daughter's activities. But now the daughter has had a physical injury and can/should no longer do the sport and my SIL is taking it just as hard as the daughter. She's so upsat she can't talk about it.

I totally agree, but this quote takes the cake.



That is really crazy. Can't talk about? Goodness. That is so lame.
It kind of reminds of my younger cousin who was a football hero in high school. Eventually he developed serious back and shoulder problems from so many injuries, but his parents kept pressuring him to continue playing because it was so exciting for THEM. I couldn't believe it.

Also, I think my mom didn't have the time to develop an identity or purpose beyond motherhood. She had many talents and hobbies when I was really young, like ceramics and piano and art, but slowly gave everything up. Maybe it was because she got divorced, and suddenly had to work full time, so I can understand why she didn't have time for hobbies. But when we left for college she was so adrift with no purpose, and the hobbies can't compare apparently to the meaning she found in raising us. She frequently talks about "us" being her accomplishment in life, and that was it, now she's done.

That's why the idea of babies and kids is just so unappealing. A lot of women forget that they were a wife, girlfriend, daughter before they were a mother, but none of that matters once the glorified child arrives.

I feel bad for being so bitter, but I've seen it happen to SOOOOOO many friends of mine. It's like they can not function as a normal human being anymore. It's literally all about the kids. The only person I've ever seen who didn't get like that was my mom. She was a SAHM, but she taught piano lessons as long as I can remember. She brought in some income. She and my dad would do a date night twice a month and she always told me she was a wife before she was a mom. She loved us, but we weren't her "whole" world.

"she always told me she was a wife before she was a mom"

Maybe that's part of the problem - so many women now AREN'T wives first. They have the kid, THEN get married. Or they get married but are on such a mission to have kids right away, they never figure out how to be anything else.

Personally, our first year of marriage was one of the hardest (just the adjustment, family relations, etc) that I couldn't even imagine trying to throw a baby into the mix.

Yeah, I totally agree that the first year is the hardest. There is so much adjustment. My mom got pregnant with me when she and my dad had been married 5 months. She was older, but she said she sometimes wished they'd had more time together. Even though they didn't, my mom was a wife first, mother second. A lot of people have a problem with that theory, but I always felt really secure that my parents felt that way.