BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I feel like I'm back on the farm

A few rants...

Lately I've noticed a trend here....

A lot of new posters which is a good thing..no complaints there..but if you look at these posts these are the same people encouraging people to have children in other forums. You compare some of the posts and they directly contradict each other..I honestly think people are just post farming for some stupid reason.

..no big deal..but just a rant..


..my other rant..the one that irriates me..

CF = CHILDFREE
This is not a temporary condition..you arn't CF until you had your children, or CF now that they are gone. It doesn't work that way. You may not have children right now, but the term CF refers to those who actively choose not to have children (even though they could if they wanted too) as a lifestyle choice.

I'm getting annoyed with parents in here talking about their CF days until Junior showed up. And just because your kid is in college...you arn't CF. Just because he moved out.. you still don't qualify. Once the mating has occured and sucessful breeding taken place..the option to return from the darkside has forever been lost.

Honestly I don't mind parents posting, I think getting an alternate viewpoint is excellent for helping to shape ones goals. But if your a parent...your a parent. You are one now..you were one then... you were never CF. If you thought you were CF for 3 or 4 years and then turned 21 and had a baby..you wern't CF..you were a teenager. Let it go.

Thats all...no more ranting.

Skeeter

Well, I think you are so right. I have to admit that I wish only CF's would post. I don't get aggervated when parents post but I still really don't get it. I like all the posters here but sometimes I am reading a post and I see..."I don't have kids now but will probably will or maybe later b/c I am only 21, 22 yrs., whatever age, or I have kids, and I think, "you are not CF so why would you post on a CF forum"? Then I see parents posting, and they are respectful and the posters are really nice but I am still confused why they are on CF forum??? When I started a search for a CF forum it was b/c I wanted to chat with others who were CF and get other prospectives on what they go through, their opinions and just chat about what it is like to live in this socity CF. I ALREADY KNOW THE PROSPECTIVE OF PARENTS!!!! I HEAR ABOUT ALMOST EVERYDAY! Not to metion, then I come to this site and hear about here???? I have come close to going to another site that I have recently been viewing and you are screened b/f you become a member and there are no parents on it. I am sure I have just pi**ed of some people and that was not my intention, but again I shouldn't have to tip toe about how I feel on a CF site for parents....AGAIN THAT IS TAKING AWAY FROM WHAT I FEEL I COME TO THIS SITE FOR??????

I'll have to disagree with you, Skeeter. As I've posted on another thread, I don't think the issue is always as black and white as you make out. Yes, most parents were probably only ever childless, in the sense that they expected or hoped to have children at some point. However, there are parents who once shared our CF stance (uncomfortable as it may feel to acknowledge that) before they changed their minds, for whatever reason. A very good friend of mine falls into this category; until a few years ago, she was as adamantly childfree as me, and I was shocked when she crossed over to the 'other camp'. I continue to think of her pre-child self as CF, rather than a parent-in-waiting...

To me, what defines one as CF is a certain state of mind. Changing one's stance does not suddenly invalidate that state of mind, it just means that you can't refer to yourself as CF from now on. If a religious person loses their faith, does it mean that they were never religious in the first place? I do agree with you that empty-nesters should not call themselves CF but I don't think there's anything wrong with a parent saying they were once CF, provided of course that they met the necessary criteria (and weren't simply childless). It's unlikely that any trolls will fall into this category, though.

Manatee, I do think that both you and Skeeter are right. There are certain people who are former CFers. BUT - there are an awful lot of posters on here who say they used to be CF, but what they mean is they were childless.

There IS a difference between not wanting a child NOW and not wanting a child EVER. Some people don't understand that concept.

And yes, there are people who were CF who changed their mind, that doesn't mean that they weren't CF before.

And Jzel, I used to get mad about parents coming here, even the nice ones. Lately, though, I just decided that I don't care if I [censored] them off. They don't belong here, however well-intentioned they are, so if they don't like what I say, too bad!

Absolutely - I suspect that the formerly CF make up a very small proportion of parents, and that most were simply childless. I agree that a lot of people don't seem to understand the difference.

And some people apparently didn't want kids then they met someone special and settled down with them and changed their minds. I thought that would happen to me.
When I met the guy and married him I said no kids and he said OK then he said what about in five years? I said we'll see, thinking maybe I'd change my mind - cos I was married and he's a good dude.
But nothing changed!
And for some people it does.
I have been
and do go to
other childfree sites but so far I like this one best (honest, no I DON'T say that to ALL the other forums!
Because they are too negative or too positive if that makes sense.
And it gets more posts than most.
I
think I agree you can't say you used to be childfree but I'm not sure. I think I would prefer them to say "I didn't want kids but then I changed my mind." Or I thought I was childfree but then I changed my mind. Or got pregnant and decided to keep it.

Contadicting posts? NOT a good thing!
Sometimes I go to mommy blogs, cos (a) it's the road not travelled and (b) I'm one of these childfree folks who when I see a kid having a meltdown doesn't think shut UP! - well sometimes I do! - but think "There but for the grace of common sense go I!"
and it reminds me of what I'm thankful I DON'T have to put up with!
But I would NEVER write on a mommy blog "Oh how glad I am to be childfree." and I would also find it disrespectful for a parent to write "Oh you don't know what you're missing" blah blah pukey BLAH! Bingo vomit ETC!
But it's different to say
"It's not the choice I made but I'm glad you're enjoying your life and your choices."
Or something along those lines.
Like, I love my kids but I like reading about your childfree life or I decided not to have kids but I enjoy reading about yours, they sound sweet.
Anything more (see above) to me is trolling!
and
just makes me wish the big ole billy goat gruff would just KNOCK em into the water!
(Now if
someone was saying [censored] things about childfrees, to that I might reply!)

Get back at em! I says!
I saw a thing on ivillage, something like daily indulgence ideas for moms only.
And decided screw this moms only [censored], I want the tips I TOO need to relax for my busy job!
So I signed up for the free newsletter childfree though I be. If it pisses me off too much I can ALWYAS unsub from it!

I disagree. I totally agree with Skeeter's black and white stance.

I think "former CFers" that changed their minds hadn't really been committed to the life. They were fencesitters but didn't delve into themselves enough to make sure.

A lot of people go through life just following the life script and don't take the time to figure out what they truly want. A former CFer has just deluded themselves longer and more convincingly in my opinion.

I do think there is a big difference between fencesitters (people who either haven't considered the issue or are as yet undecided) and people who change their minds. Changing your mind about something doesn't mean that you hadn't thought about it properly in the first place, or that you weren't sincere in your opinion - people can and do change their views. Is commitment to the CF life only measured with hindsight, i.e. do you only earn the label when having children and thus changing your mind is no longer a possibility? I think that if it wasn't for my formerly-CF friend, I would share your way of thinking about this, but I now think there are occasional shades of grey.

This is a tough one. I just can't tell you how many men (my neighbor is an example) have told me, "I used to be like you. But then my brother had kids and my wife and I had so much fun with them, we changed our mind."

I suspect these men weren't admantly CF and they'd married women who knew they eventually wanted kids (but weren't baby-crazy and weren't in a rush) and everyone else in their social circle started having kids and they decided to do it too because it was the thing to do next.

I don't consider those men CF because none of them articulated to me that they'd made up their minds they'd never have children EVER like I've always known. I appreciate, though, in their way, they were trying to tell me my choice was ok, and they were like me too at one time and understand me. It's a very different vibe than the all knowing, "I knew someone who was like you, but she changed her mind. Now she has 7 kids!" inferring that I will too when I grow up. I hate that condesecending bingo garbage.

Empty nesters= not CF. You are still a parent, no matter how old your child is and where he lives.

Fence-sitters (like the men I mentioned above)= not CF.

People who made up thier mind to never have children and meant it, but for some reason changed their minds = CF before they changed ther minds... But I think this number is a lot smaller because most of these people were really fence-stitters and didn't really have a strong CF feeling originally.