BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Division of Labor

I just had two experiences this weekend that really drove home that division of labor is not equal when it comes to kids. I knew this already but I got really annoyed this weekend.

First I take my mom to her religious events because my dad fusses and doesn't want her driving herself b/c of the cancer. After the ceremony while eating the women tend to sit with each other separate from the men (muslim tradition). The kids are all with the women. So while the men get to have interesting religious discussions (I'm not muslim anymore but I still like religious discussions) the women are running around after the kids and no real conversation can be held because the mom has to get up and go after the kids. And it's like this every week.

The second situation happened with my friend. My husband and her husband have band practice on Saturdays everyweek at friend's house. Their oven broke and their kid's birthday party was the next day. I suggested that they come to our house so we could bake the cake and the guys could watch the kids while we cook. Our house is not kid proof in any way. My friend's husband threw a fit, that we were interferring with his band practice and they shouldn't have to watch the kids. Excuse me, we are doing this for your kid's birthday, yes it cuts maybe an hour into your practice but it's your kid. The plan went on but I still had to get the kid out of the house a few times and back to the father. Even DH thought his friend was out of line.

And I see things like this all the time and when the guy does any small thing it is praised that he is a great dad. I realize that this is not always the case but I see it enough to make me realize that childcare is still a woman's job.

Taitinfae, you are so correct in that observation. It really doesn't matter how dedicated the father is, because ultimately, in today's "modern", yet still backwards society, at events like family gatherings, it seems that the prevailing idea is that women should look after the children while the men go off and watch football, play around, etc. Even if the man is contributing his fair share with the child/children at home, when out and about, it seems like that man falls under societal influences that have him assuming less responsibility than the woman for the children.

This isn't 100%, of course, but it seems to be the norm to still expect the majority of the work associated with raising children to fall on the woman.

Wow that is pretty bad, that he was "upset" that fathering duties for a birthday party might interfere with his fun time!! The birthday only comes once a year!

Taitinfae, could this be a cultural thing along with a gender issue?

Normally I would say yes, except that most of the people that belong to the group, including my mom are American converts, some couples are both converts some are mixed but except for a few people most of the group were born in America.

This is yet another example of women getting the short end of the stick. It seems that society has it out for women. We are expected to have children. Then, we are expected to do most of the care taking for the children. AND at the same time, we are expected to look beautiful and perfect. Or, others will say, "Poor Jane, she looked absolutely horrible. Wonder what is going on with her?" Or something similar. Plus, there are the jobs that we all hold (not necessarily because we are expected to, but because we need to or just want to).

It is unfair to women, but unfortunately, this does seem to be the norm in society today. Frankly, it infuriates me. Whatever happen to equality between a man and woman?

I see this all the time....These guys think they work all week so when they come home or the weekend comes it is "their time". I wouldn't tolerate that [censored] but I do see tons that do??????

I think more and more women are learning to expect equal rights, but it's still slow progress.

Still, think it was only 100 years ago that women weren't "allowed" into colleges because our feeble little brains couldn't handle it!! And now the majority of graduates are female

This kind of stuff annoys the hell out of me, too. And it scares me that it's so common that some people don't even notice it.

How many Moms do you know that are still in bands? My friend's husband is in one, she would never have the time to be actively involved in something like that. Still, guys still manage to find the time. Amazing how that works. I know that he does help out though, b/c she said he takes the kids when he walks through the door from work to give her a break. I would be [censored] if I had to take on kids the minute I commuted and got home from work. I would want to cry. But hey, if it works for them.

It's so much worse for the woman, in so many ways. One of my DH's uncles is Italian, and I CRINGED every time I went to their family events. So glad we don't live near them anymore. All the women have kids, and chase the kids around the backyard, and basically are on kid duty. Meanwhile, the men get to have adult conversation inside around the table. These women would have more in common with a female ape than me - there is no common ground with women that are completely focused on parenting, and have no other goals. I'm tired of getting stuck with these women at parties, etc.!

And my DH's uncle thinks motherhood is great, and doesn't get how much it sucks for women. He's always making bingo type statements. I guess maybe it's hard for men to understand our plight unless they are in it. Not that I'm making excuses for them, but I think if they were presented with the same fate miserable fate so many women face, they would feel differently, and not want to get stuck either. It's easy to get all poetic about parenthood when you aren't a parent. (DH's uncles are gay).

Yep exactly, they think it is "their time." No way would I put up with that though. Especially since I work full time. In my eyes, I'd have just as much right to come home and think it was "my time." The key would be to find a balance.

I work with a woman who has two kids and she is always talking about having to get home to stay with the kids so her husband can go out and do his thing (his hobby). She never says anything about HER going out with the girls or doing something for herself. No balance there at all!

Yet again...reasons not to have children!