BellaOnline Forums Family Moms My husband doesn't want children

I am so glad I found this site. I have never "posted" on a public forum before but I really need some advice on how to deal with what is happening in my life right now. I am 28 and my husband is almost 42. We just got married in July. We met almost 6 years ago and fell in love almost immediatly. We took a very long time to get engaged mainly for one reason: He had had a vasectomy when he was 30 and did NOT want more children (he has a 22 year old son). I , at that point, hadn't given much thought to children and sort of overlooked it and fell in love with him anyway. He would waver back and forth on the child issue over the years (he would always end up on the "not wanting children" side) but we went through some pre marriage counseling and we both decided we were just not going to decide. We'd cross the bridge when we came to it. I made the vow then and there that if he decided not to reverse the vasectomy and try for children I would not under any circumstances resent him or "hold him hostage" with his decision and make him miserable. I would simply get through it. I knew he was the love of my life and I would not want to live life without him. I still feel that way.

Well, he claims he's thought about it and "soul searched" and the result is : he doesn't want children. In the meantime I have become obsessed , in a powerful, almost physical way, with having a child. It was slowly building but in the last few months it has grown so strong I can't quite stand it anymore. I feel angry, I sob uncontrollably, it's horrible. HOW DO I GET THROUGH THIS? I feel like I'm grieving the loss of something I never had. Please if anyone has advice on how I can move on with my life and reach acceptance that I will never have a child, please write. Thank you.

You ARE grieving a loss. It's the loss of a fantasy, a dream.

I have a slightly different situation. I tried for years to get pregnant - had both primary and secondary infertility. (Primary is trouble getting pregnant the first time, secondary is trouble conceiving a second time.) I have one child, now 16. Many years ago, after unsuccessfully trying (I had one other pregnancy that ended at 5 weeks -- very early), my husband decided he was done, didn't want any more. He has since had a vasectomy, so I know there really isn't a chance of us having a second child.

I often resent the fact that we had originally wanted CHILDREN, not child -- and I feel like he sort of reneged. But -- it wasn't worth my marriage, either.

You need to acknowledge that you HAVE had a loss. If possible, let your husband know that you are grieving -- that you don't blame him for not wanting a child, but that your feelings of loss are equally valid.

You also need to focus on the many positives in your life, and in your future. You won't have a child, but you will have fulfillment. Only you can decide what direction you want your life to go, what contribution to the world you wish to make, on what scale, be it small or large. Help others in a way that is meaningful to you, travel (something quite difficult to do with a young child!), take up a hobby, whatever works for you.

And don't feel guilty for feeling this way. I used to feel horrible guilt, feel very petty, when I got angry at other people getting pregnant (especially if it was an "oops" -- felt like it should have been mine!), but those are natural feelings.

It's hard, but I feel confident you will get through this. It sounds like you really thought a lot about both sides, and tough as it was, made a decision.

Annabella - I am sorry to hear of your situation. There are still ways you can touch a child(ren) life. I sponsored a child through World Vision last year and it was extremely rewarding. You can write to the child and even visit him/her eventually. Have a think?

JPCollection
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Since your husband has basically closed the door on the discussion and you have decided not to push the issue . . . ca you do other things w/ children to help ease the loss. I am a Pre- K Teacher and we have voluteers all the time, or help old newborns at the NICU. Just an idea.

I think you need to also decide is this it . . . is this a decision which you have NOT made OK for the rest of your life. Are you happy with a life w/o children? Being 28 is very early in life to come to terms w/ it.

Just think of all the PROS & CONS . . .

Yes, altough you really love him, Annabelle, I'm sure you have to think trough one more time.
If you really want to have baby and he doesn't maybe it's not the love of your life?
Maybe one day he will change his mind when he sees how important is this case for you but you can't say that in this momemnt. It is very hard to decide if you both might not lose something in the situation you are right now...

The strange thing is (and thank you to all those who posted!! :)) I honestly don't believe that he doesn't want children. I believe that fear has driven all of his decisions against having children. He had a HORRIBLE upbringing. His parents basically didn't care about him, they never knew or cared where he was or what he was doing from a very young age on. Then he married at 18 to his high school sweetheart and decided right away to try for a baby... and got one. Then everything fell apart, as it often does with such young kids making such grown up decisions. He never got to have a sense of raising his son WITH someone. He and his wife were never "together" on anything. He's never had a sense of family in either case. So I believe he wants to experience "family" but thinks he's just not capable of it. I guess this is where I have a hard time letting go. I'm in counseling right now and he has agreed to go with me and work on this situation. Pray for me please! Thanks again!

Annabelle, this must be very difficult for you. Desperately wanting a child can become the only thing you can think about. It's a very strong drive. The thing is, you can't assume your husband really does want a child deep down. You can't really convince him that he does. Are you going to counseling together? I would strongly suggest that. This may be a dealbreaker for the marriage and you both need to find out a way to work through it. The thing is, on this issue it's going to be hard because if he refuses to consider having a child, this will have an impact on your life in a huge way. You will end up so resentful over the years.

I hope the two of you can work through it.

Annabelle,

Though this is very difficult for you, you said it all below.



Your husband made his decision that he didn't want more children when he had his vasectomy. From what I've heard, vasectomy reversals are expensive, painful, and no guarantees of success. Look at it from his point of view. He's 41 right now. If you and he had a child in a year or so, he'd be looking at putting a kid through college when he's reaching retirement age. He has a 22 year old, he probably feels he's done enough in the child arena. It sounds like he really doesn't want to have another child, and if he did it, he would be doing it "for you". Isn't it preferable when a child has TWO parents who REALLY want him/her?

It sounds like counseling is a good idea, especially if you both go. As Ms. A said, focus on what you DO have in your life, rather than what you don't. If you want to be around children, there are lots of opportunities to volunteer to help at-risk or sick children.

Family can be defined many ways these days, beyond the traditional two parents and 2.5 kids...it can also mean a family of two people, who deeply love and appreciate each other. As you said, when you married your husband, you accepted that having children with him was very unlikely, but you married him anyway. I hope counseling will help get your marriage on track.

Cindy

There are definitely many ways to be involved with children - from volunteering at hospitals, volunteering at local shelters, working with school systems and much more. Many children every day are desperately in need of love and affection. The more each of us can do to help out, the better!

Wow, not to be rude but you knew BEFORE you were married what your husband wanted. Your were WILLING to not have children in order to be with your husband. And now your crying about it? Sorry, but it doesn't really make sense to me. Dr Phil says, it takes two yes's to have a baby and one 'no' not to. Before me and husband were married I made it very clear that I would never have children and he's fine with that. If he ever wanted one he would have to divorce me and be with another woman. Unless you're willing to go to that extremem, honor your husband's choice of something he told you before you made your vows.