BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Forced to have kids!!!!

Hi yorkiesRcool. I like the idea from Anastaia. They may be your parents, but you don't have to take it. This may be harsh, but give them an ultimatim. Either accept my decision or lose a daughter. *shrugs* ...well, it may not be the best idea, but it drives the point home that you will not accept them telling you how to live your life as an adult.

I'm in full agreement with the previous responses. They were WAY out of line with that "intervention." NO ONE has the right to order anyone else to procreate.

You said you're close to them, so I imagine you don't want to live with "an elephant in the room" every time you talk to them. Clear the air. Tell them once more that you and your DH do not want to be parents and that you feel it is wrong of them to speak to you that way. You are an adult, in every sense of the word, and you deserve respect, not threats, for knowing your own mind enough to make the the choice that best suits you. Let them do what they want with that information. Your parents sound like they're otherwise decent folks, and will probably (slowly) come around to the fact that having a relationship with you means respecting that your choices are your own to make.

PS- Be grateful you don't have MY mother...

Hi yorkiesRcool. I'm so sorry to hear that your parents are talking to you in this way! The nerve, when you're responsible, married, own a home and have a great house and pets! That's just insane. I really hope that you're able to get through to them at some point and convey that your life does not have to include children to be complete and happy. That was extremely selfish and childlike of them to put such pressure on you, and they even came out and said "that's what we want" - what about what you want? Hopefully they will see the error of their ways and one day only want you to do what will make you happy. Good luck!

Howdy, yorkiesRcool - I agree completely with the idea that this is emotional blackmail. Hang tough. It is a total mistake to have children to make someone else happy. Your parents are the ones who will have to do the adjusting.

I really don't have any sage advice or witty sayings to offer. You and your husband know what you do and do not want, you know how to make it happen (or not happen) and that's simply that.

yorkiesRcool, I got really upset when I read your post. I recently had a conversation with my parents on this subject myself but they weren't quite so direct about it. I was very upset and hurt for several days following my conversation, that I can't image going through the conversation you just described. Good for you though not to succumb to the pressure they are placing on you. It's hard to know that your decisions are hurting your parents, but it's still your life and you have to do what makes you happy not them. There are too many unwanted children in this world, it's best to have them because you want them, not because someone else wants you to have them.

yourkiesRcool...how terrible that your parents are placing such pressure on you. I am sorry you had to hear the awful things they had to say. And I hope you can get your point across to them eventually. Your parents have no right to guilt you into having children. You are a grown up that makes her own decisions. And having children is not your parents' decision. You should not have children unless you and your hubby want that for yourselves. Stay strong and good luck with everything. We are here when you need us.

So sorry to hear about this...I can't believe what I am hearing... I can't believe parents think we owe them grandchildren. And when you told your Dad that you don't want kids, he said "that's what's expected of you." That's horrible! How can someone encourage you to do something for the rest of your life that you don't want to do? It's like giving blood once a month. It's your LIFE EVERY SINGLE DAY. I don't care what someone expects, if I'm completely turned off by the idea, I'm not going to do it.

Good for you for being strong. I'm sorry you were so hurt by their comments, and you are completely justified in being hurt. It sounds like you are doing very well for yourself. And I agree - you aren't doing anything illegal or hurting anyone. Okay, so you parents feel hurt that you aren't having children. They have to deal with their own feelings - this is your life. I'm sure you didn't always like all of their decisions, but you got over it. It just blows my mind that you are telling them you really don't want this and they are telling you to do it anyway. That would make you and the baby miserable - forget about them, they are extended family members. And they won't be around forever. They may not be around for the most difficult part - when the child would be a teenager.

Maybe there are some other things in play here - they may be frustrated that they can't tell you what to do anymore, as someone else said above. I think my DH's Mom struggles with that - she still tries to scold him like he's a child, and it's bizarre - he's 40! I think it's a power struggle, and parents don't like to relinquish their power. Hang in there. They will get over it, and take control of their own happiness, and do things for themselves that make them happy. You aren't responsible for their happiness!!!

yorkiesRcool: I am a parent of two children but I came across your post and wanted to reply to it. I was horrified that you have been pressured by your parents to produce children when it is clearly not something that you want to do.

My husband and met in our freshman year of college and married after graduation. At that time, children were a distant issue; we felt happy with our lives as they were. It wasn't until I was about 26 that we began to think of having a family and we did so at 27. My youngest child is now in high school and I must admit that I never knew how wonderful this experience would be for me. I simply had never envisioned myself in this way until my mid-twenties.

But I certainly don't think that having children is right for everyone. I really appreciate it that neither of our families ever pressured us to have a family. I think it is a personal decision and one that should not be taken lightly. I don't think that all people can find enjoyment in parenthood and for these people, parenting could be disastrous. It is certainly not something that should be entered into without enthusiasm!

I wonder if your parents have noted this: The world needs people without children! Parents are very tied up with their families (as they should be when the children are young) and it is good to know that people without children can devote the time, if they want to, to making a significant contribution to the world through their work. I'm NOT saying that CF people should pick up the slack for all parents. I'm also NOT saying that parents aren't contributing to the world. And I'm not even saying that everyone SHOULD work to help the world. What I am saying is that we need all different types of people in the world and I appreciate those who have spent their time in enjoyable and productive pursuits that contribute to our world in lieu of raising families just as much as I appreciate parents who raise good children.

Wow...

Wow...

Yorkies, I'm having a hard time coming to grips with what your parents have said to you...

and what it must mean that they think they are entitled to expect from you.

Wow...

I would have left their house before that conversation really got going. That's me though... I'm not willing to have a close relationship with people who have unreasonable expectations of me, or be abusive about me, my partner or our lifestyle.

I know this doesn't help you at all though, since you seem to want to have a close relationship with your parents. I'm just not sure if this is possible now. Their attitude toward you and your husband is a huge huge huge strain on keeping a close relationship with them.

I would recommend you avoid the topic entirely whenever you are with your parents. Change the topic if they bring it up, leave the room if they won't stop. If they follow you, leave the house!

If you ever think they are up to understanding what you want from your life, you might want to find a book about living childfree lives. It might help them come to terms with your decision.

And it really is your decision!

Feel free to come back here as often as you need to, to let off steam or get more support.

Hi,

I am 29 years old, my boyfriend is 36. We are togheter nearly 4 years and engaged. As I never wanted to have kids I emphasized this on our first date, however I am still being forced to have them (if only one!).

My boyfriend is promising me everything on the earth - bigger house, travel, I won't have to work for the rest of my life, anything... But I can't do it. Everything in my life would end if I would have kids. And it is not right to bring kids in to the world just to please others.

My boyfriend is black and family is for him ever so important. I am being pressurised not only from him but from the whole (big) family.

I feel so guilty for not making my boyfriend happy that sometimes I wish him to find somebody else. I even wish I was a different - 'normal' woman.

I am gteeting all the childfree people, You are not alone!