BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Article recommending women should settle

My husband recently told me he for sure doesn't want children. I've been basically in a depressed state all week, feeling a true loss and a feeling of "How can I live without experiencing having a child?". I've been reading these "child free by choice" forums and it's actually making me feel better! It's showing me the other side of the coin that I never looked at before. I'm sure it will still hurt from time to time but I can see now there are positive sides to being childfree too. Thanks!

is that woman trapped in the 1950's? she obviously doesn't speak for all women that's for sure. i think she also sends a terrible message to other women. it's really sad.

i remember my mom saying over and over again to me that she would much rather see me by myself than with an idiot of a hubby. she also told me such practical things as"choose wisely" and so forth. my mom was a typical SAHM but she always spoke her mind and always encouraged me to be independent and not to settle. i'm so happy and i guess lucky that she raised me that way.

indigo

Annabelle, welcome - I'm glad that this site is helping you feel better. Feel free to vent anytime, the people here are very supportive.

"all I can say is, if you say you�re not worried [about being 30 and unmarried], either you�re in denial or you�re lying.In fact, take a good look in the mirror and try to convince yourself that you�re not worried, because you�ll see how silly your face looks when you�re being disingenuous."

What bullshit!
I may have married at about 29 and a half, but enough though I LOVE being married I enjoyed being single too!

Why is it too that some people think only MEN can EVER be scared of marriage and commitment huh? HUH? Grrr!

Wow Indigo. Your mom sounds awesome. I'm sad to say my mom never told me anything like that. Her love life was so messed up there wasn't much wisdom to be gained for me there. I wish someone had. I didn't settle really, so it worked out okay though. BUT, sometimes I look back on past relationships I've had as far as ex's and even friends, and there have been times where I definitely was settling. It affected my life in many a negative way. I was young and stupid, and didn't have the highest self esteem. The times I've been carefully selective, and not desperate, are the times I've found the best relationships.

Annabelle, Welcome! I hope it continues to help you to come here. There are quite a few of us who are "childfree by circumstances", or not completely off the fence 100%, and never knew this is how our lives would turn out until recently.

For me, I had really mixed feelings anyway, so when my husband expressed serious doubts, I had to look at his side of things. (My situation there was also an infertility issue, so it would be extra expensive and challenging to have a kid anyway).

But it's been an emotional process to accept things as they are, and see that there's another side of the fence where all the CF people are having a great time.

I've never been with anyone but my DH, who I met in high school. I think if I hadn't met him, I might have made some bad choices. I developed the self esteem that I have because of the good influences around me. If they hadn't been there, I have no idea what kind of person I would have become.

One more thought about the writer of this idiotic article...

The thing about a single woman having a child alone is that if anything happens to her the child is screwed! (Unless she has extended family willing to help). It's great that she has that much confidence in her health and well being, but boy, that's risky for the kid.

Annabelle, I am sorry you are going through this. I'm in a bit of a rush right now, but please read all our posts and you will find some of us have gone through the same thing and sense of loss. I did, and have come through the other side to be grateful for being CF. It's been a bit of an emotional journey though! Hugs...

Hi Annabelle! Welcome to our board hugs to you for your current situation. I admire you for being open to your husband and actually seeking out more information, support, etc. FeebeeGeebee is right, there are lots of posts on here from people who came to be cf for all kinds of reasons. Hope you'll find that we are all very supportive, fun and open minded!

Yikes. The author would have us believe that marriage eventually boils down to a sexless, mundane, child-care swapping endeavor. How depressing!

While I do NOT agree with the author's extreme viewpoint, I do think there is value having realistic expectations for a partner. I would never recommend that anyone settle, I think the key to being in ANY relationship is to have a healthy sense of acceptance. Perhaps the best thing we can take from this article is to remember that everyone has their flaws and not to let superficial things become deal breakers.