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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,438
Chipmunk
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Chipmunk
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,438 |
Frieda...I found your story interesting. It seems some women are CF until their husbands want kids...I remember a woman I worked with years ago - she was CF - her marriage ended....we lost touch - I ran into her in the street a few years back and she was heavily pregnant...During our chat she mentioned her new husband wanted kids...
I find this surprising - if I had broken up with my DH 15 years ago and I met a new man who wanted kids - the same reasoning would have applied, "he wants kids, I don't = we're not compatible life partners"....
Seems some women have a "fluid" view of being CF - an ever changing concept...
I hadn't thought about it that way, because I actually assumed the opposite...that her previous complaints about babies were to help her deal with being childless. I suspect, just from knowing him, that her first husband was infertile or CF. We never talked about it, but she also never talked about problems with her husband, so it was a big shock when she left him. I was not her only friend who felt like, not that she hadn't been honest, but that there was a lot to her that she wasn't showing. The new husband had grown kids, so that's the other reason it seemed like it was probably coming from her.
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 267
Shark
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Shark
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 267 |
All this talk about kids.....Everyone remember to take their birth control pills today....well, for the ones are not "fixed". Speaking of, I take my new rescue dog tomorrow to get "fixed".
CFBC
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 96
Amoeba
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Amoeba
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 96 |
I have a girlfriend that I've known forever who has always been CF. She is about 42 yrs now. She has a very interesting job that provides a lot of travel opportunities, which she took advantage of to the full extent. She was single for a long time, with the odd relationship here and there. About 5 yrs ago, she met a man who was the perfect match for her and they married. I was very happy for her. She has diabetes and needs to inject insulin several times a day. She's also very skinny. When I talked to her about her husband, she told me that he was very very eager to have a child. She was not excited about that at all, liked her life style and doesn't really like kids that much. She told me "if I don't do this for him, it could break up our marriage". About 2 yrs ago she told me she was pregnant. She also said "I don't feel a maternal bone in my body. Who knows, maybe once it's born, I'll feel different". She was totally non-committed to this whole thing. Shortly thereafter she had a miscarriage. She even said "maybe it was better this way". Now they tried again and this time she's having a baby for sure! She's going to have it in the next few weeks. Last time I spoke to her, she hadn't even purchased anythign for the baby yet. They have a very high-maintenance lifestyle, a beautiful apartment with nice things, like to eat/drink well, entertain and travel. Her husband is delirious to finally have a baby, but I don't know if they realize that their lives will change 180 degrees. I'll be curious to see how things work out for them. She even told me "if it would have been just for me, I would not have tried again..." Well, that now leaves me with one CF friend... 
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,142
Koala
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Koala
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,142 |
If her husband and her are starting to lead different lifes, I would take the preaching as her way of warning you NOT to have kids.... Her marrage is on the rocks sence the baby, and she fears her husbands steping out on her.... not a great thing to have at that age....or any age for that matter..... Plus she has new mommie friends so she is preaching what has been brainwashed into her mind.
Mommies tend to restate and reword the importants and AMAZING JOYS of MOTHERHOOD even with eachother.
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 613
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 613 |
I have a girlfriend that I've known forever who has always been CF. She is about 42 yrs now. She has a very interesting job that provides a lot of travel opportunities, which she took advantage of to the full extent. She was single for a long time, with the odd relationship here and there. About 5 yrs ago, she met a man who was the perfect match for her and they married. I was very happy for her. She has diabetes and needs to inject insulin several times a day. She's also very skinny. When I talked to her about her husband, she told me that he was very very eager to have a child. She was not excited about that at all, liked her life style and doesn't really like kids that much. She told me "if I don't do this for him, it could break up our marriage". About 2 yrs ago she told me she was pregnant. She also said "I don't feel a maternal bone in my body. Who knows, maybe once it's born, I'll feel different". She was totally non-committed to this whole thing. Shortly thereafter she had a miscarriage. She even said "maybe it was better this way". Now they tried again and this time she's having a baby for sure! She's going to have it in the next few weeks. Last time I spoke to her, she hadn't even purchased anythign for the baby yet. They have a very high-maintenance lifestyle, a beautiful apartment with nice things, like to eat/drink well, entertain and travel. Her husband is delirious to finally have a baby, but I don't know if they realize that their lives will change 180 degrees. I'll be curious to see how things work out for them. She even told me "if it would have been just for me, I would not have tried again..." Well, that now leaves me with one CF friend... Wow, I just view that as rank insanity! WHY would you risk your life and happiness to do something like that?! If saying no means the relationship is over, well then, it must not have been all that concrete a relationship to begin with!
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 267
Shark
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Shark
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 267 |
Wow, what a dangerous way to live. What if something were to happen to her husband (there I go w/the "CF worry gene") and she is left to raise this child by herself??
When my husband and I were dating I made sure we talked about the fact that I CFBC and wanted to remain that way. I knew he would like to have a child but he said it wouldn't kill him if he didn't. Then later we fell in love and wanted to get married and I made sure and asked him again, if he was okay with not having a child. I sometimes worry that later in life he will regret it but again my psychologist said..that will be his regret and he is a big boy and made the decision to spend his life with you knowing how you felt....
If he wanted to leave me for not wanting to have a child...I wouldn't be happy but I would end the marriage. This is my life too!!!!!
CFBC
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Joined: Mar 2007
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Chipmunk
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Chipmunk
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,438 |
That is terribly sad for the child. That would be awful to have a mother who only had you because otherwise the father would leave her. Miserable!
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 138
Jellyfish
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Jellyfish
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 138 |
The title 'childfree' is important to me - it has a specific meaning that separates me from parents and childless people.
IMO if a person decides to have children, then they cannot refer to themselves as once being childfree. They were fencesitters, and after having children they are parents. The title 'childfree' either lasts a lifetime, or doesn't apply to a person at all.
I want to be taken seriously when I tell people that I'm childfree. I don't want people to think that I am likely to change my mind because fencesitters (or posers) have children and then say that they "used to be childfree."
I don't care how much a person used to think they wouldn't have kids, or how much they don't enjoy being a parent now that they are one. I would still be adamant in saying that they weren't really childfree - because they have a child now!
My maternal clock must be digital - because there's certainly no ticking!
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 296
Shark
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Shark
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 296 |
I ended up here as a result of a similar situation. I'd made a new friend who I really liked and who had gotten on a soapbox regarding how she didn't want kids. She then completely avoided me, no longer taking my calls. I later found out she'd decided to become a mother.
The last time I ran into her she was a little sheepish, but then began evangelizing about how great it is to be a parent. It is "the best decision she ever made." Maybe it is for her. I don't believe it would be for me, so I'm not going there.
I've made other good friends since then. Some are cf and some are parents. And the parents are comfortable enough with themselves not to be bothered by my being cf.
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 316
Shark
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Shark
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 316 |
The title 'childfree' is important to me - it has a specific meaning that separates me from parents and childless people.
IMO if a person decides to have children, then they cannot refer to themselves as once being childfree. They were fencesitters, and after having children they are parents. The title 'childfree' either lasts a lifetime, or doesn't apply to a person at all. I don't think it's always so black and white. To me, being childfree is a mental attitude: the conviction that you don't want children now and will not want them in the future. However, not every parent was a fencesitter before they had children. I agree that there are people who refer to themselves as 'formally childfree' when they were no such thing. As you pointed out, decided, they really were fencesitters biding their time. On the other hand, I do think that there are people who genuinely had the mental attitude of a CF person, until eventually something happened and they ended up as parents. While they can no longer call themselves CF, they once could and did. I think that what swayed my opinion on this was the friend I wrote about in another thread - adamantly CF for years and now a parent. Until a few years ago, her attitude was as determined as mine - I don't quite know what changed her mind, and with hindsight it's tempting to say that she must have had doubts all along, but I honestly don't think so. I will always think of her as CF until the great watershed of a few years ago.
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