BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids It's okay to change your mind...

Has anyone had a close friend who suddenly decided to have a child after years of saying she didn't like or want kids?
I have a friend who was adamantly and loudly CF - many (well everyone really) was stunned when she fell pregnant at 44 (her DH 54)...she initially told people it was an accident but later told me (& a few others) that the baby was planned - she panicked as the gate was closing...
I've noticed she has distanced herself from most of her friends probably, because she's uncomfortable with all the "I told you so" statements from her friends with kids and she still feels the need to justify her position to her CF friends - almost like she let the side down or was pretending to be CF all those years.
She seems to be more comfortable creating a new circle of friends - mainly other SAHM's in her area.
Personally, if someone changes their mind - that's their business...we're all different.
I have heard women say that these sudden announcements make them question their feelings...some even feel confused or shaken when their CF friends suddenly "switch sides"...
I don't see this friend all that often now, she lives interstate and our lives have drifted apart...
A mutual friend met her for lunch recently and said she has switched from defending/explaining her position to preaching - she had to listen to an hour of comments like, "she almost missed out on an amazing life experience"..."I can't believe I felt the way I did"...etc.
This is interesting because when we last got together she was saying that her husband needed his "alone time" and had started taking holidays on his own (he's now close to 60)...she felt sad that they were starting to lead separate lives. They were always a close couple and spent many years exploring the world and doing amazing things together.
Anyway, I certainly don't want to listen to an hour of preaching so, I won't be rushing to arrange lunch with her on her next visit.

She is probably preaching to justify it to herself...

I agree with Feebee, this sounds like a justification so that she feels better about it. That's really sad about the relationship with her husband though.

This is interesting because when we last got together she was saying that her husband needed his "alone time" and had started taking holidays on his own (he's now close to 60)...she felt sad that they were starting to lead separate lives.

hhmmmmm......sound like a reason to me to get pregnant????? Sad!!!!!

That's happened to me, Deborah. The friend in question is one of my oldest, closest friends. She was the only person I knew who was as adamantly CF as me, and we'd discuss it on a regular basis over the course of many years. A few years ago she split up with her boyfriend of eight years (he was, if possible, even more adamant about not having children than she was) and soon found herself in a new relationship with someone who was not CF. Just over a year later I received an e-mail from her telling me that she was pregnant. I am not shocked by much but I remember sitting there with my mouth wide open because she was the last person I expected to make that announcement. I know that she dreaded telling me - she worried about my reaction - and I made sure that my reply was as supportive as possible.

The announcement triggered a whole range of emotions in me, some good, others less so. I was happy for her but also experienced feelings of loneliness and jealousy (since she would be going through something I never would, regardless of the fact that I didn't want a child), disappointment and even resentment. Needless to say, I've kept the negative feelings to myself and am not proud of them. The incident is what drove me to seek out other CF people and find this forum - my boyfriend is also CF but, unlike me, feels little need to talk about it, so I prefer to bore strangers with my rants .

I have no idea whether her pregnancy was planned or accidental - she has not volunteered the information and I haven't asked, though I always suspected an accident. She has since had a second child (this one definitely unplanned). I see her once or twice a year (she lives abroad) and am so relieved that she has remained the same lovely person that she always was. She does not bingo me, makes a successful effort to talk about non-child-related things (despite being a SAHM) and does not expect me to get involved with her children (as a matter of fact, her children are lovely, so when I take an interest, it is genuine, but she would not be offended if I did not). I know she finds it difficult at times but on the whole she's pretty happy in her new role and she and her husband will, I think, make great parents.

She is only trying to explain away the fact that she is now pregnant so she can feel justified in her actions (as another poster stated).

I agree with everyone else--she sounds like she's insecure in her decision and wants to justify it...

I haven't experienced how it would feel for an adamant CF friend to change her mind, I only wish I had CF friends in real life!! But I think Manatee gave a good description of the feelings I'd probably have, all that she said along with betrayal--like the friend 'cheated' on our CF decision. Does that even make sense?

Then I'd hope she would still be cool and still be in my life

Well, that's one thing that I wonder about. I don't want kids, but what if I have an accident? Man, that would hurt. I couldn't come to this site anymore. I think I'd just hate myself. I'd either need a lot of counseling or an abortion/adoption.

...now I'm all depressed....

But, seriously, I wonder what is going through your friend's head, Deborah. To me it would be like living a nightmare.

It definitely sounds like she's trying to justify what she's dealing with, and understandably. I agree with TresstheFool - she is probably going through a lot of turmoil in her mind/life right now (even if it WAS planned after all) and talking herself through it helps her deal with what she and her husband have just taken on. It sounds simply awful to me and it would take a TON of justification on my part if it happened to me. I mean, how else do you deal with your feelings?

I hope I don't offend anyone with the following analogy.

Have you ever noticed that people who have given up a behaviour are the most intolerant of it? I give as an example, ex-smokers, who quit and then go on to preach the evils of smoking and second-hand smoke. Hello? Most smokers already know, but thanks.

I don't smoke but am pretty tolerant of people who do (as long it's not in my house) but really find ex-smokers go on and on about it.

Sort of like the same behaviour as your previously CF friend.