BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Sympathy for friends who can't conceive

Have any of you ever had to be sympathetic to a friend who just found out they can't have a baby? We know a couple that has been TTC for two years now. After a couple surgeries (a vasectomy reversal and endometriosis surgery) they just found out Friday there is no possible way to get pregnant but to undergo IVF, which they are now saving every penny for.

I definitely want to be there for them because they're my friends, but I in no way can relate to them because I don't have the same passions as them. It consumes them and the topic consumes conversations. I guess I'm just having a hard time being sympathetic to the whole ordeal.

Have any of you been through something similar? How did you go about dealing with it if so?

Katie, I feel for you on this situation. I've never had to deal with comforting a friend who can't conceive, but I can see that it would be difficult to know the exact words to say. I wish you luck in finding the right words to say and conveying sympathy to your friends.

On the other hand, I recently posted about a close friend of ours who recently had a baby that she didn't plan for or really want in the first place. She is very unhappy at this point, though she does feel love for her baby girl, but when she called, she sounded so down - she had already gone through some post-partum depression, etc. It was very difficult for me to find the right words, because on the one hand, I don't think that I EVER want to have a child and I haven't been through what she's been through, but on the other, she didn't want to have a child either, and she went through with the pregnancy, being that she is married and somewhat settled, etc. I found that it was helpful just to listen and try to be as encouraging as possible, even if I wasn't sure how she was going to come out of the shock of her life completely changing because of her colicky, lactose-intolerant, young baby, something that she didn't want in the first place. I hope she does, though, for her sake and for the sake of that little girl, but I can totally relate, because I think that is how I would feel if I went through 9 months of pregnancy and then was faced with raising a baby that I didn't really want.

i have a friend who had problems conceiving. a few yrs. back she suffered a miscarriage and her and her hubby had started adoption proceedings in china a yr. ago. she's 35 now and when we went to visit them(they live out of state) in oct. my DH and i got a huge shock when they told us that she was expecting. turns out that they decided to try IVF and that after two rounds of it lo and behold it worked. i guess maybe they didn't want to tell anyone in case it didn't work. they still plan on adopting too though. i know that they are tickled pink about it and yes it was hard to relate to them when their fertility problems but i knew how imp. it was to them so i tried my best. i guess it was a little easier for me b/c they don;t live in the area and i didn't have to hear it all the time.
i can understand though how you feel. it is hard to be sympathetic to something like that. i try to look at it like well maybe it's not what i would want but i know it's imp. to them. i guess all you can do is be there for your friend.

i know that there are certain things that none of my friends can relate to but i know that they are there for me nonetheless.

indigo

I haven't really had to deal with that (everyone I know seems to have no problem with fertility...except me). Well, actually one friend did, and then ended up adopting. From my perspective, it's best not to suggest adoption. That just sounds condescending, and of course they're probably considering it or have another reason they don't want to.

I get frustrated with the endless complaining and self pity about, so I can really relate to your post. I have to buck up and deal with it, and I'm choosing to be CF, so I don't WANT to empathize with people like that because it just makes me feel bad. What's so freaking bad about not being a parent? You can't have everything you want in life! No one died! You have a lot to be grateful for in life and try appreciating what you have!

Sorry to all the infertile people I'm surely offending, but since I'm dealing with it I can say this. This is how I get myself through it, but I know I'm not like everybody.

People who act like it's a huge tragedy that they are infertile just make it harder to be CF, because they reinforce the belief that everyone without children is miserable. I'm just a little tired of the big obsession with it. It's good I didn't try and become a psychologist, because I'd get impatient hearing about that pretty quick.

Oh gosh. Sorry for the rant. I think I'm the wrong person to try and give advice about this!

And I should add, if I was in your position, I would sympathize outwardly and be very caring, and for the most part I really do feel that way. It's just I wish there wasn't such huge on pressure on people about it, and a huge stigma for them to bear if they don't have kids.

My best friend's going through this. I can understand why they want one though it's just been mind-blowing the effect that this has had on her before she's even become pregnant.

We both had surgery around the same time initially for cysts & endo, but since then I haven't had anymore. She's been under probably 6 times because the IVF drugs make it worse. They've been through probably 4 cycles and for a while it was just really hard on her. They still haven't conceived and now are looking to fly to Spain for donor eggs.

I think the best thing to do is to just be there and listen. I liken it to supporting somebody who wants to trek Mt Everest - I personally don't want to but I'll do whatever I can to help them realise their dream. Too, sometimes you just need to be there while they have a cry.

I've also been in this situation with a friend. She was desperately trying to get pregnant, and her husband was even more desperate for it. They went to so many doctors and everyone told her that their bodies were fine and they just needed to stop the pressure to conceive. Although I really couldn't relate to them as far as why they were so desperate, I tried to just listen to her and be there for her if she needed someone to talk to who wouldn't pressure her about it.

It was so hard from my perspective to be an encouraging listener because inside I was sad myself, knowing that our friendship would never be the same if she did get pregnant. But, when you love your friend you want them to be happy in their own way. And having my hubby to rant to about it later helped!

In the end, they did conceive and have a son now. No surprise that we don't hear from them anymore except for emails we receive with pics of him attached. But, I'm grateful for the friendship we did have and I hope in some way I was a comfort to them when they needed it.

I think it's great that you can look beyond all the life decisions and still love your friends and be sympathetic to them. I'm sure they really appreciate it, and hopefully they will return the favor and support your choice to be childfree.

It really is about patience. I can't have children and while I am not looking to have any anytime soon, it is a very hard reality. Sometimes the reason people may talk about it so much around others is because they are possibly trying to in a round about way prove they are okay. In your mind, you can't have children, there must be something wrong with you and by talking about the hope of having them one way or another gives you a little hope that its not so bad and keeps you from focusing so much on whats wrong. Very few people will ever come out and say how much blame and stress they put on themselves in this type situation. This is just a little background to it to hopefully help you understand why sometimes people may talk about it so much. It may not be why your friends are but sometimes its just easier to blab your mouth about doing something about it to keep you focused on your goal than keeping it to yourself and dwelling on it.

I think you would be a great person to talk about this, having been there and done that. You can see it objectively from both sides.

One of my staffers at a previous job (T) has been trying for 2 years to get pregnant, and no dice. They've done the fertility drugs thing and IVF is the next stop - at a cost of $15,000. They can't afford it, but they're going for it anyway. I really, really hope that it works for them, as they'd make great parents and are screaming keen, but all I can think is that they're going to land themselves in a financial mess with no guarantees. If it was me, and I was that desperate, I'd be spending the money on adoption, where you're at least pretty sure you're going to end up with a child. But that's just me. I've always been risk averse :-)

I have to say that this would be a difficult situation for me - having never wanted a child on any level, I just have no insight at all, and I think the whole thing would make me quite uncomfortable. I know with T, I never knew what to say that didn't sound patronising, so I just avoided it...

I have seen "the other side" BUT I had really mixed feelings about being a parent, and definitely wasn't passionately keen about it. It's way different for people like that it seems. So, I can't really relate all that well, because I'm facing the same reality but have way different feelings than them about it. Also, I find myself questioning people's reasons, and not finding a lot of them very compelling or sensible, which makes it even harder to be sympathetic.

Yes, but that's only 'cos you've been hanging out here too long. :-)