BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Losing my mom, can anyone relate?

I know this isn't a CF topic, but I was hoping someone could give me some advice/encouragement on how to deal with this.

My mom is in the hospital. Long story short, she's been fighting cancer for the last few years and has been winning until now. The cancer is back and there is nothing they can do for her now. They say she has up to about a year. I don't know how to deal with losing her and letting her go. Also, my dad is leaning heavily on me and it's so hard to deal with his pain and my own.

Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? How do I deal with it? My mom is young, only in her late 50's. She is the sweetest, most nurturing woman I know. I can't even imagine losing her.

My DH lost his father when he was 60 to cancer. His mom relied on him heavily for years. She passed away 5 years ago, 14 years after her husband.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's going to be tough. My FIL appreciated having me in his life because I was a smiling face in the midst of all the weeping, sorrowful ones. I didn't think that he needed to worry about me, when I should be worrying about him. My MIL cried every day and he got so tired of hearing her cry, it was a relief to him when she left the room. We played card games and talked about sports. Basically whatever he wanted to do. He didn't want to dwell on the inevitable.

Keep a positive attitude and help your mom have a memorable and enjoyable last year.

Manderley, the only thing I can say is make the most of the time you still have together. I lost my mum suddenly. Nobody saw it coming. I had just visited her for xmas, then went back to my home and 12 days later had to return for the funeral! Of course at the time, when I left after xmas, it was just a normal goodbye, nobody knew that this was going to be last time we would see each other. We never had a chance to say all those important things, to really get to know one another and to say our goodbyes. That's something for you to think about. I wish you a lot of strength. You know they say that time heals all wounds, I don't believe it. But it does make the jagged edges a little bit more smooth.

manderley--I'm so sorry you are going through this. I also agree with fatina and hope you will be able to make the most of the time you have together. Talk with her as much as she is able--find out what her stories are and what her memories about her life are that you might not already know.

I haven't lost my mother, but I did lose my grandmother about 15 years ago. Just before she died, we had this wonderful conversation about her life; she told me all these funny stories about being a teenager, her independent, city-girl life in her 20's, and also about when she met my grandfather and all their good times. I felt like I learned so much more about her as a person and her life, not just as my grandmother, and I saw how there was even more to celebrate about her life than I had ever known. Even all these years later I have to smile when I think about some of the funny stories she told me.

Anyway, I hope you will find all the strength you need for this time in your life. And we're all here whenever you need to chat/vent!

I'm so sorry that you and your family are dealing with this.

I lost my maternal grandmother to cancer in Sept. 2005. We found out in June 2002 that she had it, and she spent 3 years doing nothing but doctor's visits. It was the hardest thing. She was like a second mother to me, my aunts used to say (bitterly) that I was her fourth daughter. I also didn't know how I was going to be able to let go. She had been as much of a presence in my life as my own mother.

I think in the end it was so relieving that she was no longer suffering or in pain, because her life had gotten SO HARD. It's very hard to watch someone you love struggle like that.

I miss her very much. But, I think what really helped was a few months before she got really bad, I sat her down with the video camera and had her tell me the story of her life, asking questions I'd always wanted to ask, stuff like that. Even the hard questions, like where do you think you will go when you die? It gave her a chance to really reflect on her life as a whole and see how wonderful it had been, and at the parts it hadn't been so great, it was like confession for her. And it was closure for me. I have no regrets.

Maybe you could do something similar with your mom? I hope this helped, and I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this.

I can definitely understand what you're going through. My father, who was my entire world growing up, passed away after a long battle with cancer when I was 18. He was young - only 51. They originally gave my dad three months to live and he lived another 8 years.

It was tough. It still makes me cry, especially because he missed so many important things, like my graduation from college and my wedding.

Although it was difficult to see him in pain and waste away at the end, I am grateful we knew it was coming because we did get the chance to say all the things that we wanted to. He got closure. I really like what lngilbert did with her grandmother, and I wish I could have done that with Dad. I have a video he filmed of a musical I was in during high school, and I say a line, and he laughs. I am so grateful I have his laugh on tape.

He made me promise to take care of my mom and sister - and I do. That's probably the hardest part, because I had to be the adult at 18. My mom fell apart, so I came home from college and called the family, talked to the church and the funeral home, set everything up, and was the pillar of strength for everyone else. This is super-hard, and I understand where you're dealing with. I don't know how to give you advice on this part. I just handled it all, and bottled a lot up, graduated from college three years later and practically had a nervous breakdown and made some pretty bad decisions. Maybe if I had had therapy, or another adult in the family to lean on, it would have been different.

I'm okay now. Because of all the pain I went through, I'm a stronger person and I like to think my dad's watching with pride. I'm not even a religious person, but I still talk to my dad every now and then, like he's in my head.

Everyone will deal with things differently. My heart goes out to you. Spend as much time with your mom as you can.

Manderley,

I lost my Father to cancer when I was 32. I was unable to talk about his death with him due to my Mother's denial, but he had spent most of my childhood talking to me and telling his story. I only wish I had been writing it all down. My DH lost his Father suddenly, last Sept., at the age of 67 and is having a much harder time dealing with it because it was so sudden. So cherish the time left and write it all down.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. It helps to know their are people out there who can understand where I am at. I just feel so alone in my sorrow. My husband is amazing and he is here for me, and I am grateful for that. But, I don't really know many people who have gone through losing a parent.

I am grateful that I do have time left with her. I hope that I make the most of it and have no regrets.

My mom died at 59 after an 18 month battle with cancer. I was 36. I spent the last 6 weeks with her and learned a lot about her life. It was a precious time for both of us. In her case she opened the door to her deeper spirituality.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Manderley.

Susan

Manderley...I am so sorry you are facing such a terrible thing. I haven't lost my mother, but I did lose my grandmother a few years ago. She had Lupus and the dr told her she had a couple of years to live -- She lived 20 or so more years! She was a very determined woman. But, it was hard to watch her suffer in the end. And we knew what was coming just as you do. Now a very dear friend of mine is dying with cancer. It is such a hard thing. He is planning his funeral already.

Spend as much time with your mom as you can. Make this next year the best you can with your mom. As for the emotional hurt and letting go...that will be a hard thing. Everyone deals differently. I do know that it is important to talk (don't pretend you are fine when you are not). Find someone that you can trust and can talk to. Sounds like that would be your husband, which is great.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.