BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I think I've been disowned

...and frankly, I'm too angry to care right now. Ladies and gentlemen, what you're about to read is probably the end of my relationship with my mother, and possibly my entire family. I'm just sharing this because you've all been so supportive throughout my "mommy issues." I figured you deserved to know the ending. If you don't want to read all of it, here's the short version: I lost my temper and let the old lady have it.

(From Mom)If you don't want or need your family in you life right now. I'll accept that, but if you need me I'll always be here for you. Love Mom

(Bye-bye self-control! Hello orphan-hood! My response)

OK, I've had it with this [censored]. I'm over dealing with your martyrdom and mind games, and I'm sick of waiting until I "cool off a little" before I respond to you. This time, you're getting the uncensored version of what I'm thinking.

There were two main points all of my communication with you in the last eight months:

1. I'm your daughter and I'm a pretty decent human being. Therefore, you should (theoretically) be able to accept me for who I am. But you don't. I honestly can't remember a time in my life when you did. I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted, but why aren't you over that yet? It says a lot to me that you lived with me for 18 years and don't know me. I'm actually pretty disturbed by that.

2. You treat other women like an over-sensitive middle schooler treats her friends, specifically [my aunt]and myself. No one deserves to be yanked around like that. Keep your emotional yo-yo to yourself and treat people like PEOPLE. It will change your relationships. Mostly, I just want you to treat me like an adult. 'Cause I'm an adult now. I sometimes wonder about you.

Another thing, this "not needing family" [censored] is the most obvious guilt trip in the world. I never said anything like that and you know it. This argument has jack to do with Dad or [my brother] and you know that, too. (Hell, I'd love to hear from them, but I'm guessing you're the reason I don't.) You probably also know that YOU pushed ME away. So don't guilt trip me. That's just not going to fly.

I let my fiance read this before I hit send. For once, he didn't recommend I tone it down a little (he's the main reason Mom's been getting "filtered" versions of my angry rants). I think he's had enough of this [censored], too. He just shrugged when he finished reading it, kissed me on the forehead, and went back to playing "fetch" with the Beastie.

Myra - I'm so sorry that it ended up like this, but I think you are COMPLETELY in the right here. You have tried - your mother obviously has not.

Maybe this will inspire her to actually give you a decent phone call or email. Sometimes people just need a slap in the face like that. She should have gotten it before now, but maybe this was what she needed??

Anyway, if she DOESN'T want to make up, that is HER problem, not yours. I actually see some of my dad in your mom, so I can understand the childish aspect of this, and the guilt-trips, and it is NOT COOL for a parent to treat their child like that, no matter the age.

I do hope that this doesn't make her cut off ties with you, but, again, that is her own fault if she does that.

I will be thinking of you, hon!

That was a lot more civil and eloquent email than I would have written! Here's what mine would look like: "[censored] off and die." So don't feel bad about it at ALL!

OMG Myrabeth. I think your mom might be a relative of mine. I just feel right there instantly with you when I read those emails from her. My family uses guilt constantly too. It's awful. I'm really sorry that she's being so obtuse. I don't think you said anything out of line in your response. After reading that email from her I think you said what needed to be said. It certainly doesn't seem worthy of being disowned. Maybe it will help. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

My family is big on the guilt [censored], too. I understand where you are coming from. Isn't it a shame that sometimes the adult children have to be the adults in their relationship with their parents.

I can completely sympathize. Especially b/c whenever I have fought with my mother, I always have to be the one to make the first effort. And my DH's Mom is never wrong either. I know from reading your posts that you are an introspective person, and your SO is also there to provide perspective for you. I don't know what it is with parents from that generation - they are effing nuts! Thank God our generation is saner, and has the benefit of therapy, self help books and psych classes.

Myrabeth,

I went back three pages of your own posts and couldn't find the "mommy issues" of which I'm sorry I'm not abreast! Can you point me to a date or recopy? I'm afraid to post without knowing what her side/POV might be.

Without knowing that, I can see how you'd react, and totally understand, that if it was a guilt-trip tactic your mother was using, YOU DID GREAT. My mother tried one on me the other day (I posted about it -- shocker), and I shut her down, too. The exchange stayed with me all day, and it's a subject my boyfriend wouldn't touch, but even 72 hours later, I'm still glad I stood my ground.

I won't comment on much else until I know what those "mommy issues" were about; sorry I didn't pick it up in the posts, though I tried.

It's uncanny that I would have brought this book on my business trip with me, but I'll share it with you -- it's by Dr. Wayne Dyer (someone Dr. Phil could only dream to be, as far as I'm concerned), and the title is Pulling Your Own Strings. Here's the excerpt from the back of the book...you'll see why I thought you might be interested:

"Dr. Wayne Dyer reveals how we all can prevent ourselves from being victimized by others and begin to operate from a position of power at the center of our own lives. Asserting that we alone are responsible for how much we will be controlled by others, Dyer offers his practical plan for developing new attitudes toward the most common sourceds of victimization and manipulation, such as family members and authority figures in the workplace.
For example, familes can be tremendously coercive and demanding, but they can also be an immensely rewarding part of your life. Dyer shows how to cope with the negative side and contribute to the positive..."

Hi Myrabeth,
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I don't think I caught the other posts either, but I can empathize. My mom used to pull that [censored] too. I think your mom was channeling my mom.

I wish I had had the guts (and presence of mind) at the time to respond like you did. The last time she did it, I was out visiting for Christmas with a boyfriend (pre-DH) and she yanked me out of bed early one morning to tell me this.

I was freaked out, but had plans that I went on with that day. The next day she pulled me aside and apologized "for everything she ever did wrong." Wasn't sure how to respond to that either. I'm glad that she backed off, but I also don't think she really knew what she was apologizing for.

I like what Dyer said in Angela's post. However, it's so much harder change our behaviors around people who are so close. The behaviors are so ingrained. Doesn't mean we shouldn't try...

Maybe, this is an opportunity for dialog with her. Why does she think that? What does she really mean by that? What does she hope to accomplish by saying those things?

Thanks for the love and support, everyone. She responded already, and I've replied. What follows is the email I sent her, my response following each of her statements. It's scary-long, but it gets into all kinds of things, from my long-standing issues with her to the source of this argument.

Angela, reading my responses will also help you understand better what's going on. I'm not surprised you didn't find the previous discussions. This started in May, when I was still a relatively new poster. I wish I could get off with only 72 hours of hassle. I envy you that. BTW, I'm very impressed that you went through three pages of myra-babble. Incredible dedication! (As for Dyer, after working in a bookstore for a year and a half, I've lost all interest in the hundreds of self help books published in the US the last five years, as well as the authors who sell so many copies, I had sore muscles from hauling them to the shelves. Yes, I've been jaded into willful ignorance of self help books. I might be able to stomach the sight of that section in another decade or so. Give me time. I really appreciate the thought, though! And I definitely see the relevance!)

Grey, I wish I had answered all of this as succinctly as you would have. It would have been a very simple fix. "No like mommy? No deal with mommy's [censored]!" But no, I'm far too long winded for that. *sigh*

(Mom's email in black, my responses in blue. I actually responded to her in this format. Her rant was so tangled, I had to take it piece by piece.)
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I'm not playing mind games with you. I was just trying to let you know that I'm here for you.
Umm, thanks. Sorry I'm lacking enthusiasm, but after the way things have been between us for so long, it feels kind of hollow.

I got the idea that you didn't need family form you blog. "Family will become what we need & wish it to be not an obligation for genetic & traditional reasons."
If you read the entire entry, you should see that the New Year's entry was a testament to a shockingly out of character bout of optimism. The idea was that people would be with their families in a peaceful, happy way because they WANTED to, not because they had to.

I was only trying to support you. I've try to clear this mess up twice now, but you just don't seemed to be interested in that.
I'd just rather "clearing this mess up" not be done by sweeping it under the rug. I seek genuine closure in my problems, not a magic wand. Sorry, that's just the way I am.

I'll be glad to treat you like an adult, but an adult deals with a problem instead of making it worse like you are doing.
"Making it worse" and who's doing that is very subjective. I certainly disagree with your assessment, but then I don't suppose either of us is exactly lacking bias on the issue. Again, I'm trying to deal with nearly 27 years of problem, not make it go away. My most childish response was not speaking my mind years ago.

I don't appreciate the way you have talked to me in the past & now. I'm your mother & I should be treated with respect. (I bet you are getting a laugh out of that line)
The only thing funny about it is that you don't think you need to return respect. I take that back. It's not funny. It's depressing as hell. I'M A PERSON, TOO. I'm not just your offspring here to bow at your feet. As an adult, I deserve to be treated with the same respect you command, no matter who my mother is.

I have no idea where you get the idea that I treat you & [my aunt] like middle schoolers.
I've spent most of my life watching you get ticked off at her over something minor and ignore her for months. Then you're suddenly best friends again with no resolution or discussion, and the cycle repeats once or twice a year. That's a seventh grade girl's social politics style if I've ever seen one. When this [censored] started between you and I, I saw obvious reflections. Stupid me for letting you get close enough to hurt me, when I'd seen how you deal with [my aunt].

It seem that you don't know who I am either & you surely don't accept me for who I am.
Exactly what is it about you that I'm rejecting besides your treatment of certain people that include myself?

I have always accepted you for who you are & I've always tried to support you.
So you never spent my entire teen-hood making comments about how disappointed you were with having a daughter who shuns all things girly with her tomboyish, gender-role tradition hating, ultra-casual approach to life? And that never continued into my adulthood? Also, you've obviously been reading my blog, but you make no reference whatsoever to the life-changing writing project I'm taking on. This is my biggest and oldest dream come true. I've talked about it at length in my blog. Where's the support?

As far as you dad & [my brother] are concerned. They are both big boys & can talk to whoever they wish. I've never asked either one of them to take sides. So, if you have problem with them not contacting you don't blame it on me.
I didn't say you told them not to speak to me, but I'm sure the atmosphere isn't exactly pleasant when/if the topic of calling me comes up. Any woman worth her salt can direct the people closest to her by her emotions alone, without a word, or even necessarily intent. They know it wouldn't be a killer idea. Hell, would you want to call me if Dad was the one in a raging [censored]-battle with me? Doesn't sound fun, does it?

I'm not sure what brought all of this up , but I think you have bigger issues.
Does "bigger issues" mean you think I've got deep seated mommy issues? Well, I kind of do. I've never felt accepted by you. It might have something to do with you fawning over every female friend I brought home and calling each one "the daughter I never had" in my presence. I noticed this occurred mostly with the traditional girls who wanted to bake biscuits and pop out babies. Oh yea, deep seated mommy issues. May as well air it all out now, so I don't have to have another eight month fight with you later. Besides, I think I've carried it around long enough. These shoulders deserve a lighter load, considering their young age.

I've may have been wrong when all of this started, but instead of you trying to explain things to me you just when off.
No, the email I sent earlier this evening was when I "went off." Everything you received before that was restrained, by TWO sets of hands. I've been so angry at you for so long, that if this part of the argument had happened in person, I may be in jail by now.

You got [censored] with me because I used one of our running jokes at the time and had the nerve to wish you "happy birthday," besides, having no way of knowing that you'd had a [censored] day. And you jumped my case about it. And shut me out just in time for my birthday. WTF was that? Hell, yes, you were wrong.

Then you tried to "fix" it by asking, after months upon months of silence, what I wanted for Christmas!?!? As I said above, I'm not a fan of sweeping things under the rug. Watching you and [my aunt] dance around for years is probably the reason. Sorry, honey, I just don't like that style of handling my relationships. If it doesn't get dealt with, it doesn't get gone. It doesn't go away on it's own, no matter what it looks like on the surface.

So don't say that I've pushed you away. You pushed yourself.
Umm, no. We've had phases when we've chatted frequently, but we've never been terribly close as far back as my memory reaches. The pushing I was referring to was this recent battle. You pushed away my attempts to make peace because you don't make peace. You ignore problems. Once again, I don't like that method. It doesn't resolve anything.

I was never trying to guilt you I do know you well enough to know that that wouldn't work.
So I imagined part of your post-birthday chewing out that was directed at me for not being there ('cause I was working) and not sending a card ('cause everyone I've ever met knows I'm not fond of greeting cards). Nope, no guilt trips. I think you're just now learning that it doesn't work on me.

You just don't get it. I'm not the enemy. I'm your mother & I love you for who you are faults & all (and we all have faults).
I'm not even sure what to say to this segment of your rant. To address the obvious implication, I'm well aware of the fact that I'm not perfect. In fact, I kind of like it. My life would be so dull without my myriad built-in quirks and oddities. As for the enemy thing, I'm returning the favor. I'm only treating you as you treat me. This all started when you made me the "bad guy" of your birthday with a scathing email to a well-wisher (me). So, shall we try mutual respect as our new theme?

By the way congratulations on your engagement.
Mom, I've been engaged for at least four years. We've been very open about it. But I'm curious as to what tipped you off.
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I know, I know, way to air the childhood trauma, right? But I'm pretty open and honest about that stuff. That woman seriously messed me up and blaming ME for the end result gets my dander up. At this point, I've been so honest with her, I'm not sure we can ever have a relationship again. I'm so angry, though, that it doesn't matter right now, not even a little bit. She's never been the poster child for loving, supportive parenthood. Taking that pose now is almost funny. I miss my dad and brother, though. I wish they'd respond to my emails. (I don't dare call. If anyone but my brother answered, I'd get my ear chewed off. I know Dad's ticked off because he's always dreamed of a peaceful, happy family with lots of grandbabies. So far, I've blown that idea up in his face on both counts.) Thanks for reading all this garbage, guys. It makes me feel better to know that I have your support. *hugs*

Myrabeth, I feel for you and so admire your courage in standing up for who you are. I once had a fall-out with my mother wherein she told me I'd never grown up. It was a time when i was extremely vulnerable post-marriage break-up and it just about tipped me over the edge. I know how hard these things are. Basically I felt I had disappointed her and it was an awful feeling. I later went to counselling and it came out that in my family I had never had a voice. My mother and older sister always cut me off short and I wasn't allowed to express anger or any sort of negative emotion. Anyway, in a small way I can empathise at how awful and painful these moments can be and I salute you for openly and honestly airing your views.

Myrabeth, I feel for you also. I'm glad you took a stand. Sometimes you just have too.

I know for years I didn't get along overly well with my mother, as to why, I don't really know. I guess because for one thing, I was adopted and didn't see things eye to eye with her and never had the same interests.

But back in 2003, I got really sick and I remember I was visiting with her and my dad, and she rushed me to the emergency room. She stood by me for three months while I went through all kinds of testings etc. She was the only one that was really there for me.

Now I appreciate her more than I ever have and we have a really good relationship now. Hopefully for you in the future, maybe things will mend for themselves. I don't blame you for doing what you did because I did that once as well. It was a wake up call for her and we didn't talk for a long time, but as I said, it took me getting very sick for her to come around and realize how petty we were both being about things.

Good luck. I wish you the best for your life.