BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Are the Boards a Time Sucker?

This board is definitely not a waste of time as it helps us to express ourselves plus we can read some great opinions from like-minded individuals!

I'll admit though that I'm on here at least 1 hour per day...which can seem like a waste of time to someone else, especially someone who is not CF.

This board is a great motivational tool. It helped me to make my final decision about my ex-GF. I needed the reassurance that I wasn't the only CF person out there. We all need that sometimes.

I live here Well, not virtually, but I do have to admit that just reading all of the discussion here is very enlightening. By no means is it a waste of time ... "Time Sucker" implies to me that time here is wasted. By no means!

For me, it is also helpful in that I, as a man, can ALWAYS get help learning how women think and feel. And the levels of discussion about almost every topic around, I would like to say that I am a better person in real life because of the many contributions/confessions that the women here have done.

In other words, I like it!

I don't think it's a problem either, to spend so much time here. What I get out of this board is so rewarding. I've been waiting my whole life to find like minded childfree people. This helps me immensely. I do have two cool CF friends outside of the board, but they aren't always available to talk about stuff.

I think my DH agrees that it's good that I've found this board. I just don't think he understands my intense interest. But I think there is a lot less peer pressure for guys to reproduce in our society (I don't mean to demean any of the guys on here. I totally respect you guys and I'm so glad you are here! :)) For guys like my husband, it just isn't as big of a deal. It's like, okay, I've decided not to reproduce. Moving right along... He's never been to a baby shower, and has no idea how brutal they can be, for example. Unfortunately men are starting to be invited to the dreaded events! Even men that like kids probably don't want to get stuck at a shower! It's time to come in out of the rain!!! Where a rain coat, and you won't get wet at a shower!!!

DH loves me, but I don't think he gets how hard it is for a woman to be the odd one out in so many social situations. And even though I am staunchly CF, I just love hanging out here for the comradery. My CF status is related to so many other things, and I share so many common views with all of you. Thanks for being here! HUGS!

I will say that my DH finds many of the topics on here interesting, and they have sparked great conversations between us.

I think it's good that we're cognizant of our time spent here, or wherever it may be that you're doing something that's not active or progressing a goal you might have (like your DH wants to do, Happytobechildfree).

I've thought about it, too, and it hits home with me especially because my boyfriend is SO active. He doesn't even have a computer at home (for a reason), and he can't sit still (yeah...one of "those" types). As a matter of fact, I can't think of one thing he does, other than watch occasional TV, that would be considered a waste of time. When he's not at work, he's working on a small project - like creating artwork and making a custom frame - or he's fixing or cleaning something, like oiling his bike, cleaning a fishing rod, or running errands for small stuff like bulbs/batteries to replace. I wish I had that kind of tenacity, but I just don't. He's him and I'm me. *shrug* And I, too, enjoy my time spent here.

He wouldn't understand -- he doesn't spend much time in deep conversation; whenever he needs to work through something, like many men, he'll just shove it to the back of his mind until it kinda works itself out. Sometimes that happens, sometimes not. I'm different -- I like to talk things out and illicit different people's opinions.

This board (or other online activities) could be considered a time-waster for some, while it's a healthy outlet for others. Just like anything else, moderation is key, and when you feel yourself putting too much time here and neglecting something else, just force yourself out of the room and get something accomplished.

P.S. Another incredible thing this board does for us is that it gives us another sounding board besides our husbands/boyfriends, and this is very important.

Many men don't like to sit down and discuss the many facets of an idea we have -- the pros, cons, how it affects us, how we progess through a situation or event -- they get antsy when we say, "Honey, can we talk?" even if it has nothing to do with them. They think they must immediate provide a solution or two, and that's not always what we want or need as women. Oftentimes, we're just looking to dissect something and want to talk it out. This can be frustrating for a man, as he may be 99% solution-oriented. Of course, the disclaimer here is that not all men are like that, and some like to sit down and talk about things. My boyfriend, however, is like that, and he'd much prefer me to analyze certain things either on my own or with girlfriends/other friends. This is not to say that we don't or can't communicate; rather, it's the subject matter that makes a difference. I don't think a relationship is all that better if you and your partner "can talk about everything," and that's not just because my boyfriend is the way he is (I'm not simply justifying).

If I would have insisted on e-mailing or talking with him about every subject on which I've commented in here, he'd-a been LONG gone, not wanting to tolerate much of the drama that creeps into my head with some of it. I do surface some things we talk about in here, but most of it, I keep right here in the forum. And he appreciates that, because then when it comes time to spend time with him, my mind is more clear, I feel more balanced, and we can enjoy each other more.

Nope -- definitely not a time-waster.

I admit that I really had no idea before I started hanging out here exactly how much bingoing the CF woman receives. My wife received the same treatment, but I think she just kept quiet about it because it typically isn't something that you talk about. Considering that she is 47, but up until a few years ago (when some small streaks of grey hair started appearing) she looked as if she was 30, she was bingoed a lot. I think she also stayed away from all those work-related social events because of the pressure, often subliminal, from the women there. The women there who did have children were always in court, or having problems, or they had to leave work because of the children, etc etc. (I know, preaching to the choir) She saw the worst side of the child rearing process through the mothers there. I think that was also a big part of her wanting to work from home, so she did not have to deal with such people.

As a man, I was NOT excessively bingoed. Everyone around me knows my stance and my position, plus my age (40). But then, the people around me are a very select sort -- I do not like to go to big parties, wherein I would be exposed to many more strangers and people who do not know me. I HAVE been introduced to the baby shower scene, and found it to be excessively not appealing to me. Alas, I do step away.

But, you really can't do that too often. You do that, you will literally spend an hour trying to catch up on all the conversations that went on in the day that you skipped out on

I'm not sure I view this board as a time-sucker either, even though I will admit to being somewhat obsessed with reading and posting here on some days. It just depends on what is going on in my life, what my frustrations are, etc. I think that joining these boards in May 2007 was one of the best things I could do, since I was having some seriously conflicting feelings about what to do with the rest of my life, breeding-wise, at the time. Now I am able to come here and gain the much needed support of someone who has pretty much decided to remain CF in a world where CF people are definitely in the minority. I don't have a lot of close friends that live nearby that I can actually be completely honest about the CF choice with, though I will admit that I don't necessarily get bingoed quite as much as some of you guys do, not so far anyway. Of course, I'm only 29, so I'm sure I'll get more bingoes as it becomes more evident that my "time is running out".

Also, although I like to have deep discussions with my mom and with my DH, sometimes I can just out and out say things here that I can't necessarily say to them. DH, like many men, is not one to have a lot of lengthy discussions on topics with me, most of the time. I think his concern with the "to breed or not to breed" question is more superficial and he doesn't necessarily feel the pressure/understand the issues as intensely as I do.

You know, the question whether CF men get bingoed more or less is an interesting one to me. On one hand, it does seem like my husband fits in a lot better with the average man than I do with the average woman because of the whole child issue. Men just don't seem to talk about children as much as women. If I'm at a party, the children usually (not always, but often) congregate around the moms.

On the other hand, I think a lot of people (particularly women) get really rabid with CF men because they think that they're being selfish or immature. There seems to be a real sense of entitlement among women that they deserve to be given a baby no matter what the man thinks. My husband actually gets bingoed a lot more than I do, and the conversation inevitably ends with a smug "well, just wait. You'll have one." Which implies that I, of course, will change my mind and he'll have to change his, too.

This is a great topic. I think WORK is the big time sucker, and I'd rather paid for being on this forum instead.

My husband does seem to get bingo'd quite often, though I don't think it causes him as much anxiety as me. Sometimes, but not in general. And he never has to face a room full of women at a baby shower or work event all ganging up on him about it like me. He does get those "you're depriving your wife of being a complete woman" comments sometimes, which is really annoying. I don't agree with the entitlement women who think they are "owed" a baby simply because they are female. If they can support their own child financially, that is a different story, but if their entitlement rides on someone else having to give up the life they want, it doesn't seem right to me.

I actually skipped that baby shower last weekend for my SIL (the no gifts one). I forgot to mention the main event instead of gift giving was pedicures. I can't stand pedicures, so that was not appealing to me. But I do feel bad for skipping it because I can tell she's mad...my DH has been calling her to see how her pregnancy is going and she won't call him back. Maybe I should have sucked it up and gone, but it was so nice not going. Sigh.

Anyway, this forum does take up a huge amount of time. The hours just seem to fly by. My DH is one of those non-computer, active types, so has trouble "getting it." Of course he has no idea how MUCH time I spend here. But you're absolutely right that it saves him having to talk with me about it as much as I need to. When we tried to talk about closing our sperm bank account for example, I said, "Will you make the call then, because it's hard for me?" and he said, "I don't want this to turn into an argument." Conversation closed, and we haven't had time to talk again. So, I don't always get the support and talking I need all from him. It's too close sometimes, and he has mixed feelings too. It's hard to always "catch him" in the right mood at the right time.

This forum has saved me from trying to get into therapy over it. And if it makes me feel okay to be CF (which it has immensely more than pre-forum), then I'd say it's saving me $300K or whatever I'd spend raising a child over the next 2 decades. So, I rationalize that it's time well spent if looked at that way.

Considering where I was before finding this forum...commuting 1 hour each way to a fertility clinic every week or more, buying ovulating kits, spending gobs of money we don't have on random medical procedures, taking medications I don't need or want, arguing with husband (well, that's not completely resolved) feeling tortured about doing all of the above because I was having bigtime doubts...well, that was a much bigger time suck.

It's turned into more for me anyway. It's a wonderful outlet, and I feel much more connected to likeminded people who are willing to discuss the big issues in life. I'm really grateful for it, and for all of you.

Though, I do feel like I spend way too much time here.

I think I need the bella online animous or BOA.

Hello My name is Free and I am addicted to bellaonline.com. I have been addicted to this board for 2 or more years. My favorit spot to post is in the active topics because they have a wide variaty to read and think about. bella is my best friend. I wake up and post and read and I post all day and into the weee morning hours I dream about post and posting. I know have CTS and tendenitous in my hands from typeing so much. I moved the coffee pot to the computer desk and I am thinking about moving the computer station into the bathroom so I will never miss a post. I have asked for a new invention to be make so that i can read and post on bella in my sleep. I realize that my addiction is very mild in nature and could be much worse I only have 5 tabs open in each of the 5 windows open so that is not too bad at all I have cut down on my bella online time. I use to have 25 windows open with 10 tabs in each window open but I have joined BOA and it has helped that and the lack of memory in my computer has slowed posting down to a crawl! thank you all for your loving support! one day we may more BOA to another site besides bellaonline.com but right now it is just too tempting and scarry a thought to move a tab in one window to a new site. I NEED them ALL for Bella!!!
ok so what if I need more help and I am kinda scary!!!
Free<------------ROTFLMAO