BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids mothers VS childfree

Anybody that believes that having more than one child is easier than having a single child is cracked. I love and enjoy my children, but the workload and expense does increase incrementally (and then some) with each child. The benefit to having more than one child is that they learn to consider other people's needs and wants. In a perfect world they would also learn to share and play nicely with others.

My observation has been that one child will learn to entertain themselves, but give them a partner (or two) in crime and there's just no end to the mischief they can cook up. Then there's the fact that they have somebody to argue with! Three little voices chiming in together trumps one voice.

People should be educated as to the responsibilities and realities of child rearing BEFORE becoming parents. I love being a mom, but I know it's not for everybody.

I have no problem with people choosing to be CF. However, I DO have a problem with people who have babies and shirk their responsibilities leaving society to deal with their poor mentally and emotionally damaged children that didn't ask to be born.

With this thought in play (one I wholeheartedly agree with) shouldn't we be helping these kids that need help, rather than just leaving them to fate, and having kids of our own.

I agree there are way to many out there that NEED somebody to love and care for them. why do I personaly have to Bring one into this messed up world when there are sooooooooooooo many out there with no one?

You are so right! Can I say that and not apologize for having had my own? LOL There are so many kids that could use a good mentor and working moms with good intentions that might appreciate some assistance!

Perhaps there are ways to have the best of both worlds in that regard. Celebrities (for whatever reason) seem to be addressing this issue by adopting children as well as having their own or devoting themselves to charities that help children in dire circumstances.


I have friends who have nowhere near the means of a movie star that took foster children. The problem with that is that they fell completely in love with the kids and wanted to adopt them and then at the eleventh hour some family member stepped up to take them. With the information I have (I don't claim to have walked in the shoes of welfare or social workers) it seems that more could be done for children if there was a better system in place for foster parents who wanted to adopt. There are couples with fertilization issues that won't consider foster care because of this.

msbaby- I agree that our adoption system is messed up. It certainly WOULD be nice if that situation were better. The kids in the system deserve it, if nothing else.

Yes, that would be me. I can't stand the idea of fostering puppies or kittens for that reason (although I wish I could), so doing it with humans seems even harder. I know I would become attached.

But I ran into a very inspiring couple today at the Dr. waiting room. They were very elderly, and said that they'd fostered 44 babies in their life together. The shortest they'd ever been with a baby was 2 days, and the longest was 2 years. She said she didn't get much sleep for a long time.

frieda, the difference in fostering with an animal rescue is that the foster home *usually* has input on the adoption. when I foster bunnies, if someone is interested in a bunny and I don't have a good feeling, I can say so and the adoption will not go through. The biggest thing that has put us off fostering kids is that you DON'T get a say in where they go when they leave you, who they live with, if they go back to a [censored] home life, etc. THAT I couldn't take. Sending a critter into a home where they'll be the light of someone's life is easy...

ok so maybe it is me but what is so wrong with getting attached? yes it is heart breaking but who else do those kids have? the parents are attached! the state that places them with a foster parent dont get a $#!T one way or the other as long as it dont cost them money!!! the case workers dont give a $#!T as long as they get paid! I am sure somewhere down the line there is one or two case workers out there that are loving and care what happeneds but they burn out after a few years because it is heart breaking to take a child out of a bad situation and then have to put them back into the same thing not to mention the fact that you have to watch case work after case worker come in just for the pay check and climb up the ladder of sucess while you are left dealing with the wake of broken children that they have not cared for or done right by!!! So...Who else is there if not the person who takes them in? Sorry for the rant... I know two girls in this place and it is not going well for anyone....

Woa...I may be miunderstanding your post...I didn't mean at all that you shouldn't have foster kids because you might get attached. I think quite the opposite, and am in complete agreement that caring parents are urgently needed for that job. I just meant for me personally, I couldn't handle the heartbreak. I can't even handle going to dog pounds.

Yes, I realize the children really really need someone, but as an individual, you have to pick and choose how you contribute to the good of the world, and this is one area that is just not for someone like me. I'm highly sensitive, extremely empathetic, and have stress-related health issues, and my husband is the same way. Not a good combo for a foster parent. I'm also often told I'm "too nice" and I know just dealing with regular children that they see that and use it to their advantage. I would have to change who I am fundamentally to survive, really toughen up (okay I need to a little bit anyway). I know this well because I was a psych major in school, and for independent studies tried out a few different internships. I worked in a mental hospital and quickly learned that is not a job for me. Haunted-eyed Vampire Guy was kind of cute and interesting, and I am an open book. I ran out of there after 2 weeks.

Besides, I already have two businesses to run, pets, husband, so my plate is pretty full. If you need a calling, or would rather be a SAHM than anything, that's one thing. But I'm not really casting about for something to do.

Plus, I've never desired to be a mother very much, much less a foster parent. I think foster parenting or adopting is best done by people who really WANT to be parents (since there are apparently a ton of them), and it shouldn't MAINLY be for people with fertility issues. If all the people who wanted to be parents adopted one child, we would probably not have so many unwanted, neglected children. Everyone would be happy that way. So why don't they do that instead of bringing a NEW child to the planet?

I am not willing to take on a job that would potentially destroy us emotionally and financially. I don't claim to be proud of that, and I think people who do that kind of work are to be admired. I just have to put my energy elsewhere and do good in other ways that make my life survivable too. I can't clean up everyone else's messes, and trying to would take me out. I'm not Mother Teresa, sorry.

Besides, I don't think every CF person should feel obligated to adopt or foster. That's not really fair, is it?

Thanks Tbunny for your thoughts on fostering animals. It's true that would make it much better having input. I might even consider doing that someday. I am much more of an animal person than a kid-person anyway...always have been.

Isn't it all about people knowing their strengths and limitations and working with them? My hat's off to foster parents who can genuinely care for these poor kids with a loving hand all the while knowing they could be taken from them at any time.

I know a couple who had two children of their own who fostered a little 2-3 old girl whose mother had torn one of her little ears half off. The rules said that the mom was to have visits with her ever so often in spite of the fact that she (according to the social worker) didn't even hug or hold the baby during the visits nor was she cleaning up her life. This couple was eventually able to adopt the little girl, but constantly had to deal with the natural mother's demands for money. I admire this family's strength. I don't think that I could hold up under such misery and stress.

Another thought would be whether it was really responsible or fair to subject their natural children to all that was going on?