BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Ever have doubts?

I can truly say I've never had doubts about my decision not to have kids. I think I'm so logical/realistically minded, I've never gotten caught up in the romantic notion of children. Or, like someone else said (roughly) "It never interested me enough to go down that path". When I try to imagine myself as a mother, it's like imagining living on a different planet. I just can't think of myself in that role. The main thing I think of when imagining motherhood is a horrible feeling of being trapped, and losing all my freedom. I like being able to do what I want, when I want to, and not have to worry about how it affects a little human that's dependent on me. Another thing I've noticed that mothers carry a lot of is guilt. Many feel that they are depriving their children if they do anything for themselves, or take time away from the kids. I know if it were me, I'd be looking for any possible way to get a few moments for myself. I've heard enough "true stories" of motherhood from coworkers/friends with kids to know what the day to day is like, and it does nothing to attract me.

For me, having one of my dogs put their head on my knee and look lovingly up at me is the perfect Kodak moment!

Cindy

Great post Cindy. It's strange to me that I feel exactly the same way you describe in all ways, except that I still have doubts. Wish I didn't.

Another thing I've noticed that mothers carry a lot of is guilt. Many feel that they are depriving their children if they do anything for themselves, or take time away from the kids. I know if it were me, I'd be looking for any possible way to get a few moments for myself.

Me too. I think about this a lot. The part that really scares me is that if you're in this position you brought it on yourself, and you have to deal with it no matter what. You can ask people to babysit or help, but in the end, they can choose to not do it, but you're the one who HAS to do it day in and day out. You can complain about it, but that just makes you feel like a fool because you put yourself there, so you have to pretend and only let it out anonymously at truemomconfessions, and just hope you get to have your life back in 18 years. If you don't like it, it's just too bad, and no one can really help you. It's the price you pay. Your life, needs, dreams, hopes are all on the back burner for the rest of your prime years.

I know I would be desperate for breaks all the time, and it would be a constant source of stress trying to afford help, trying to get husband to help more, etc.

I'm actually with Cookiecody. Not one doubt about me not wanting kids. Maybe it's because I've always known that I didn't want them. When my mom got pregnant with my sister (which by the way was an accident, she had her tubes tied!) when I was 4, I saw everything she went through and said "No freakin' WAY!" She showed me medical text books of babies in a mother's womb, and was repulsed on a very deep level. No, she didn't scar me, she wasn't telling me horror stories about being pregnant, I just recognized it as something that is against my core. I would keep taking out the medical book and reading over it (yes I could read at that age, no I couldn't read all the words, they were too big, but I could get the gist of a lot of things) trying to understand how everything worked, and WHY the hell you'd carry around something so huge when you have just a tiny hole to push it out of! I thought it'd be far more sensible to cut it out. :P (of course I didn't realize how draining that kind of procedure is)
When my sister was born, my feelings were confirmed. This shrieking, stinking, puking creature was NOTHING I wanted part of, ever. It doesn't help that I have an exceptional sense of smell. Some people love how babies smell, but I can always catch a whiff of sour milk and stink on them, unless they were JUST yanked out of the tub.
So no, no regrets, no questioning. The only thing that I ever even think about is that there are so many unwanted children out there that aren't being taken care of. If I ever landed into a ton of money, I'd probably wind up doing something for kids in fosterage and such. I might not like them, but they deserve a fair chance to be a whole adult instead of being stuck in perpetual childhood due to shoddy parenting.

Hi!

I can feel with you all...I'm a rational thinking person per 80%...and sometimes, when my pupils (who I really, really like) or other children, are sooo cute I start thinking.
I think about the "codak moments" - a world seen through rose colored glasses...
But a few moments later it's like shaking my head and thinking...hey Juli, what the hell are you thinking about??? Think about all the changes in your life...would you really like it??
Sometimes, I'm afraid to get old alone, without my DH (who I really love - he's my very best friend too... ).
Especially in winter when he has to go to work very early, I think a about the nightmare that he could have an accident or something.... uahhhh bad and a bit paranoid I think.
I had a talk with a coworker (she has 2 kids)some weeks ago about that - that my life would be a nightmare without my husband. She was really shocked (I could see it on her face), because in her opinion you should never get so dependent on your husband....that's the difference between most of the CF marriages and marriages with children I think...

Juliana

Juliana, that's kind of funny, because on Oprah a while ago I remember this one woman getting a HUGE amount of flack because she said your first priority should be your husband, not your kids. Yes, you should take care of your kids, but ignoring your husband for 18 years only leads to the both of you growing apart, and once the kids are trying to start THEIR lives, what does that leave you? Her point was if you and your husband are really happy, that makes the kids happy too.
The thing is, I'm quite sure that it's true, if the husband and wife aren't really "together", the kids pick up on that, and use it to their advantage. (divide and conquer) A friend of mine has parents that just don't work well together and never seem to have either. She and her sister have all sorts of personality problems, mostly stemming from insecurities that they felt as kids. Either work together or get a divorce with a clean break, this halfassery that so many couples do helps NO ONE.

I think about this sometimes, but then I always remind myself that I might not even make it to be an elderly woman. And I *can't* spend 20 years of my life doing something I don't want to do to prepare for a life experience that may never happen. That would be a life sentence and so unhealthy for me and a child.I am extremely resourceful, and know I would come up with a solution given whatever situation I am in. I have already done this at various points in my life, when I've lots jobs, etc. I always land on my feet, and I think almost everyone on this board is this way, too. We are survivors.

Saving money seems like the best option to prepare for the future. Ironically, I think a lot of parents can't do this as much as we can BC they have kids. And I think they are really naive to assume their kids will give up their active lives to wait on them.

I also agree with what someone said above that many parents continue to shell out money and have little left when it's time for them to retire. I know I've mentioned this before, but this example fits, so I will use it. My BIL (53) and SIL (42) are in a dire financial situation. They just borrowed money from MIL to start SIL's own practice. They have like zero savings. Their oldest child will start college in ten years. How on earth will they EVER retire if their kids are just starting college in ten years, and they have no backup savings? I think they are counting on their inheritance from MIL, but still. How can people not have a backup plan aside from counting on someone dying and inheritance? BIL talks about retiring in ten years. I'm like, on what money?

She had off for a month over the holidays, before starting up her own practice. And I asked her if she was stressed out about it. And she was really nonchalant, and said the builders would be doing all the work. How can she not know it's a big effing deal to start your own business, especially when you are the breadwinner and have two small children??? I don't get it.

And they are basically smart, educated people! I think others are even in worse shape for what the future brings. I think some people are just really stupid when it comes to finances, and live in a fantasy world. It's one thing if they are in that position themselves, but a lot scarier when you add kids to the mix. Because they don't have a choice in the matter.

I think CFs are in a much better position to be prepared later in life. Just having a child doesn't ensure they will be financially savvy and be able to help their parents out with expenses, or with care. Especially in the case I just illustrated above. If the kids learn that their Mom and Dad were still taking money from their parents into their 40s and 50s, and they follow the same model, their parents will never be able to retire.

I am going to literally have a conversation with my parents and tell them to enjoy their money, and not worry about putting money aside for us. I think they are already doing this. I think parents deserve to enjoy their hard earned money.

I get it sometimes. Its more often now but I think its because I am 24 and my hormones are telling me to do it.

The rational part of me still knows its not what I want.

I have been married 3 and a half years and we are happy. I just don't see a child in the future. I know a few people thought we would because we got married so young but thats not the reason we married.

Happy, I know what you mean about smart people acting naive or downright stupid about things like money. Some of my friends are smart people, but they still don't think or get duped because they gave a stranger the benefit of the doubt.

Okay, here's another scenario that's close to home and also relevant. My parents are in their 50s, and are spending tons of my money on raising their grandson. Their fourth child, if you will. My Dad is really savvy with money, and they are still more than prepared for their own retirement. But what if they weren't? What if they only prepared for a very meager retirement, and then were hit with raising their grandson b/c their daughter was a trainwreck? Nothing can prepare someone for this situation, and you just don't know.

A family friend quit his job like 15, 20 years ago to start a golf-related business. It has never taken off, and he is just this side of filing for bankruptcy. I believe he is 60 years old. His old skills, he used to work with computers, are completely out of date. His wife came down with MS, and they have no money to do what they needed to do to make her life more comfortable. His kids helped out emotionally with their Mom, but they don't make enough money to help their parents financially. They would have helped financially if they could have, though, they are nice sons.

There are so many other stories I could tell. I just think the simple life is for me. I don't like a lot of variables that could destroy my life. I'm glad it's just DH and I. And I know I would be completely devastated if he goes before me, but I know that I was single for many years and I would get it together somehow. I am capable of being independent, and could swing it. I doubt I would want to marry again though b/c he is the love of my life.

I know what you mean Happy. That's a really good reminder, that sometimes if we try to do it all, life can very easily get quite complicated. I've been feeling very worried lately about how tired I am. I'm a little bit verging on burn-out. I probably shouldn't have changed jobs this last few months. The thought of having to deal with a child and the potential complications their life could bring, is definitely too much for me now. I think that if I just have to worry about me and DH, I can cope with what life throws at me.