BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Ever have doubts?

Thats wonderful of you, but for some reason it seems to be one of the number one things the CF get asked. Aside from "Whats wrong with you?" and "Youll change your mind, hell you might have an accident then what?". Those are always fun to answer.

msbaby, that's a great response! Thank you!

Shortcatmama,

When joining the thread late (on its second page), I usually will read what others have said, but this is a rare occasion when I'm just responding to you, without looking at other posts. I imagine I'm about to add things that have already been said, but I didn't want to taint my own sentiments.

YES, I doubt the choice, for many reasons. I'm an only child, and at age 36, with parents 72 and 67, I swear I dread every day the loss of one parent...then eventually two. I dread the day one of them gets to a point when they get terminally ill, when they can't bathe themselves, when I need to step in for care. I'll be alone in caring for them, and I'll have no one to care for me. These are all very selfish thoughts, I'll admit, but they're there.

I project the "what if's" as in, "What if I had a kid to help ease the pain, to be a buddy, to be a kidred soul to me during my time of having to understand and deal with the circle of life..." That's certainly a woman, if not human, way of thinking. I've gotten so much better at "blinking" out of it, forcing myself into reality, and realizing that making a "mini-me" will not help. No one will be able to help what I lack inside.

That full-circle epiphany, which I go through often, results in my reaching in to dig out the krap in me and reaching out to infuse the good I can add. I'm not going to have a child; at 36, the risks are far too high for both me and the baby. I thought years ago this life would be different, but as I've heard many times, you play your best with the hand you're dealt. And actually, I could have played a baby into this hand of cards, but the choice to give life actually wound up being the absolute most serious thing I had to consider, more permanent and important than marriage, more important than my own life.

What I'm left with -- is me. I'm ready to care for my parents when they need help, and I'm ready to face a life devoid of immediate family, because God has been so good to me in these 36 years. If life turned to sh!t tomorrow, I'd have so much to look back on and be thankful for. I fell in love -- a few times -- and to be loved and in a healthy relationship is something some people never have. I've travelled. I've been educated. I've found hobbies and things in nature in which I bask. The ride has been good, and the upshot is that I'm not done yet.

Because society's "norm" is to breed, it's considered selfish to put yourself first. Most people are trained through mainstream living to put your self aside and give to your children. We don't have that. But now that I've found resolve in a new life I didn't even plan on (not having children), I realize I have something many people never will -- the liberty to soak in so many other, different, things that parents never will.

The thought of being alone later in life scares me, but thanks to so many people in this room sharing stories of 60, 70, and even 90-year-olds who still have very full, fulfilling lives, I have hope and courage.

In closing, of course I'll add something that someone else probably already has: Giving birth is no guarantee that kid's going to be with you when you need care later in life. That kid can move to another continent, that kid could turn out to be a societal reject...any number of combinations. In the end, all you have is yourself.

ha ha msbaby, your post made me laugh. I have mentioned that there are 9 kids in my husbands family, they also have about 3000 acres of farm land, gotta have lots of kids so they can take over the farm. Well the kids are now aged 18 - 38, the youngest one is at farm school and the second youngest is working with his father on their farm at the moment. All the kids help out when they are home, but I'm not sure if any of them will take over the farm. I don't know exactly how the parents see this, but I think that times have changed and they realise that it may not be right for their kids to take over the farm. Times have changed, peoples options have changed and farming has changed.

Probably my biggest fear is being old and helpless. But it doesn't really affect my CF decision. If my husband died I don't know what I'd do... He's the one for me and I can't imagine him not being here. Having a child would in no way going to make up the loss of my husband and the love a companionship we share. My husband has a prosthetic knee and part of his femur at 26 and I have had a stroke, so I do worry about us not being able to look after each other if we are both physically needy later down the track. But someone will look after us if we need looking after at all, we still have other family, and will have friends and will hopefully be in the position that we can pay for carers if we need them.

I don't think having children would make me feel any better about getting old.

Thanks cptn_kirk. I appreciate your kinds words regarding my mom. Unfortunately, aside from a miracle, I don't see her improving. I am glad that I am here to help my parents through this. My dad has been leaning on me a lot and I'm willing to do anything I can to help out.
I know my mom feels like she is burdening my dad. I can't imagine how bad she would feel if I were the one that had to take care of her.

My mom is living in a nice senior community. Luckily she has the finances to live in this place. They provide transportation and have a lot of planned activities she can take advantage of. My father died when he was 70 and she has been on her own for 10 years now. She is blind and can no longer drive so this place is really great. With all of the aging baby boomers blazing trails it is possible that we will benefit from a type of community living arrangement when we get to retirement age. Right now these places are very expensive but as more competition and need is introduced the prices will hopefully come down.

I know my mom is really happy with living in the senior community. She was really isolated when she was at her house because she couldn't drive. Now she has a great social life and enjoys one meal a day in the community dining room. I live close by and visit her weekly if shes not busy running around with friends. Seeing her enjoying her life has given me some comfort knowing that with good financial planning this type of life will be possible when I am older. I think my dh is pretty impressed with the set up as well.

Me too! I so look forward to a "Married No Kids' session.



Yes, yes, yes, I so relate. I'm 42 (according to many people and the media and several celebrities this is not too late to still have children). I'm 98% confidently CF now (was about 50% a year ago) and over the last few years I have had moments of panic like you describe. The worst is waking up on the middle of the night in a kind of a shock that I never had children. This one has eased markedly since finding this forum.



No, you are not the only one. I am exactly the same. It's like I have an evil little man on my shoulder who occasionally appears and whispers little confidence-shattering things in my ear like "yoooooou'll be sorry later", "you are a nobody without children" etc. If you ever had the time or inclination to read back through my posts you would watch the journey I am going through - I am hit occasionally by extreme moments of doubt and isolation.

I have at times, as have others, posted examples of old people I know who are CF and fine. Actually they are often more equipped to deal with old age as they don't have those expectations of being looked after that could be disappointed. One small example - my grandmother's cousin is still alive and living in Glasgow, Scotland. She was a highly independent CF woman. Well, she still lives alone in her 90s, but more importantly, her neice has CHOSEN to live nearby and take care of her. I met the cousin and the niece when travelling once and there wasn't a speck of "obligation" felt on the part of the niece. She just loved her Aunt.

I know another CF elderly woman in this city - a friend of my Mum's. Last year she was in hospital apparently with a heart attack. I asked her if she had visitors and she said she had so many she had to turn them away and felt bad about it. She's in her late 80s. My parents (her friends) are a decade younger. But I know, that if I found out she had no-one else, I would step in and help. It has occurred to me that when people have kids, the kids help, if there are no kids the next layer (nieces, nephews etc) steps in, and if there are no nieces or nephews, someone else caring sees the gap and takes up the mantle. I've actually seen this a few times.

I went out with a man tonight -- a friend -- who escorted me to a concert. We could have been married years ago but it just never worked out. We could still get together in years to come, but ... ugh.

Anyway, whenever I'm with him, even though he's just a friend of mine (of 14 years), I still think, I could have a baby with him.

My mind starts going through the motions of getting and being pregnant, having this baby, seeing its eyes open upon me and on us, feeling its hand wrap around my finger, dressing it in cute clothes...

But as soon as I consider the crying, the wailing, the diaper changing 8 times a day, the "I want" phase of toddlers, the "I need" phase of adolescents and teens...as soon as I consider there will be even one night when I look back on the freedom I used to have...

Suddenly, that Kodak moment of feeling my baby's hand wrapped on my finger gets lost.

Yes, I have doubts, just like you...I want to make a baby so as not to feel like I missed out on something grand. But if that and a few other cheesy reasons make up the "why" of creating a life, I think that's pretty shallow.

I'm sure most of us will always feel like we missed something in life. The difference is that some will feel like even though we missed something, it was just the best thing to happen, both for us and for the life we could have created.

I sincerely cannot thank you all enough for the wonderful and thoughtful responses to my post. It means so much to me to have this forum to talk about these issues that no one else in my life can truly understand or relate to. Ingilbert, freida7, coffeedrinker1980 and feebeegeebee, your posts particularly hit home with me . . . what wonderful kindred spirits you are! I have to wonder what all the CF did pre-internet . . . . poor things.

You have made some wonderful and very valid points . . . I know these things are true in my head . . . but apparently my emotions don't consult with my brain enough! ;o) I recently read a quote that really stuck with me . . . it was "who taught you not to trust yourself?" I really do think the base issue is that I am struggling with is trusting myself on this decision. It's funny, I've never doubted the other important things in my life . . . getting an education, getting married, buying a home, my career, etc. . . . I just knew that I really, really wanted these things and that they were right for me . . . . so I'm not sure why the CF question is so different. Perhaps it's because all those other things are "the norm" and there's no pushing against the societal tide.

Which brings me to another quote I recently read in an article about compulsive worrying . . . "imagine what would happen if you quit worrying about <insert issue> and channeled all that energy into something meaningful?" So, I am realy, really going to try to quit thinking about this and re-channel my energy somewhere else . . . given how much I ruminate about this issue, you can soon expect either a "fix" for global warning or a female president from Minnesota! heehee

p.s. to frieda7 . . . . I gave up all my fun vices, including caffeine, in 2001 . . . . keep the faith, you really can learn to love decaf!