BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Ever have doubts?

Hi, all! First, let me say that I LOVE this site. It is my guilty pleasure every Saturday morning . . . I brew up a big pot of coffee and spend the first couple hours of the day reading all the great posts from like-minded people.

So, here's my quandry . . . I am married, 39 years old and 95% confidently childfree. I do have to admit from time to time, however, that I have isolated moments of panic that perhaps I've made the wrong choice. They aren't often and they don't last long, but they are there.

Here's the most recent one . . .talking with my out-of-state brother this week who bears all the responsibility for shuttling my 75 year old mother to and fro. She just had cataract surgery, experienced some complications, and needed to go to the doctor every day for a week. My mom is on a fixed income, doesn't drive and I really don't know what she would have done without my brother. My brother remarked "Man, when you get old if you don't have somebody, you are screwed".

I had a very immediate and strong reaction to that comment, and thought about it the rest of the day. I have a good job, save a big portion of my income, and am a big planner . . . so even though I know in my head I'll be okay when I'm that age because I'll set things up ahead of time, the emotions (fear and panic) that his comment stirred up surprised me.

I also sometimes think about what it will be like if my husband dies before me . . . we have been together since we were 21 and he is my very best friend . . . I can't imagine living without him. Most people have the comfort of their kids when they lose their spouse and I realize that as a CF woman that children will not be a soft landing in a time of grief.

While I would never have a child out of fear (who will take care of me, I don't want to be lonely, etc), it does make me wonder, does anyone else who has chose CF ever feel this way? Sometimes I feel like everyone else (childed and CF) is so resolute in their choice and I am the only one not sure footed.

I feel EXACTLY this way. We have been together since I was 19, and we are each other's best friend. While we are fine with time away from each other, I don't think I could go on if something happened to him. It is my number one fear, over tornados. It doesn't help that I've had a few dreams lately where he gets killed in a horrible car accident (I've had the same dreams about myself.) He just laughs when I tell him, but it worries me. Not that I'm prophetic or anything, it just scares me silly.

I really think that if something happened to him, it would be over for me. I went through the loss of my first boyfriend very badly - it messed me up for YEARS (he died of leukemia. It was beyond traumatic.) I really don't think I can go through that again.

And yes, I have doubts every once in a while. But, if I live to a ripe old age and am healthy, then I don't need anyone, just like my grandma didn't until she got sick when she was 82. And if I get sick, I will end my life. The day I become a burden is the day I end it all. I will not have people wiping my butt and feeding me. I have a friend whose great-aunt and uncle were CF and had a suicide pact. They both ended up sick and knew they would have no life, so they committed suicide together. It was very tragic, but I totally understood 100% and respect them for taking control of the situation.

Ingilbert, it's nice to hear someone else who has that opinion. I just don't see the point in lingering on for years and years in pain, especially when the argument against it is a religious one. I'll stick around for my husband, but even then I don't want him going into huge debt for me if I'm sick. What if I die anyway and he's just left miserable and in debt until he's dead?

And for those people who bingo about having kids when they're older, what about all of those people who have drained their parents dry and removed all possibility of being financial independent in their old age? I don't see how having kids but knowing that they made your life so much more difficult could be consoling.

Even though I'm currently single I do think of this as well on occasion. But as discussed previously on this board in other threads, having children is no guarantee that they will take care of you when you're old. For example, I have an estranged relationship with my dad, so I can't see me taking care of him when he gets old.

What about parents who live 2000 miles away from their adult children? Are the children going to uproot their entire lives to move and take care of their parents? Or are they going to disrupt their entire lives to move the parents into their home? There really are no guarantees in life, so worrying about these things is really a waste of time and energy. However, these thoughts do go through my mind once in awhile too. I am a deep thinker who is sometimes mistaken for a worry wort but it could just be human nature to think this way...

Tress, I do agree with your observation that kids can drain their parents dry thereby removing all possibility of being financially independent in their old age. My ex-GF siblings are very needy. They mooch off of their parents all of the time. I can't see their parents having much when they get old and sickly.

Sometimes I think modern medicine is not all it's chalked up to be. I would rather die healthy and young(relatively speaking) than live to be old and senile, being pumped full of drugs on a daily basis ($$$) just to stay alive. That would be a pretty poor existence.

I think about the "who will take care of me when I'm old" thing too, but then I think, IF I had kids, would I really want to burden them with taking care of me anyway? I don't think I'd want to put them through seeing me in that state.
My mom is sick right now. She has cancer and my dad is taking amazing care of her. If not for my dad, I would definitely step up and do it, but it would be so hard to deal with. It's hard enough seeing her this way and I don't think she'd want me to have to do everything for her.
If I ever get sick I'd only want my husband to care for me, if not him them probably a professional nurse would be better than my own (imaginary) child.

That's a good perspective Manderley. Look at it from the parent's point of view. I wouldn't want my hypothetical children to be burdened taking care of me either. I know my mom feels this way too. She doesn't expect me or my brother to take care of her.

I hope your mom gets better. She is lucky to have someone like your dad there to help her. You have a good attitude, but you're right, it would be very tough taking care of her, let alone just seeing her in her current condition.

My SIL's dad had cancer about 10 or so years ago. He beat it and has been cancer-free ever since. He's a really good man so it's nice to see him enjoying life. I hope your mom has a form of cancer that can be beaten too!

I don't think there's anyone in our society who doesn't know someone who's had cancer. 3 of my 4 grandparents died from cancer. The 4th died from pneumonia...

This topic has been on my mind a lot lately, so it's a relief to hear I'm not alone. Just recently on a trip to see my family my father walloped me over the head with his concern for what will happen to me when I'm old if I don't have a kid or two. There was no response that wouldn't stop him from shaking his head sadly and suggesting I adopt. It was very upsetting, like I don't worry enough already.

So, yes, I do think about this. I think all the answers given already are very good. I'm going to try and live for the day, and put a plan in place for the times I can't be completely independent. At least I'm not thinking, "If I just get through the next 18 years I can have my life back," since I have my freedom now. I'm sure a time will come when I need help, and not just when I'm ready to die either. I might be 75 and in great health, but break a bone and need help. I probably wouldn't be ready to off myself at that point. A lot of elderly people have temporary health problems and need help for awhile, but then get back on their feet. And not all of them have an adult child nearby who can help them. What do they do?

There are a lot of services for the elderly that can be called upon. Hopefully we will not be completely isolated from the world, and will have a social network. I worry about that because my husband is my best friend too, and he's 13 years older than me, so in my situation there's a strong likelihood I'll outlive him. Hopefully if I start feeling lonely I can get involved in activities and hobbies and friends that I just don't have time in the day for now while I have to work full time. I'll seek out other CF people for sure and try and team up. My grandfather died when my grandmother was in her 70's, and she went on to have several romantic relationships until she was completely lost to senility (and her last partner died a couple years before her). I do worry about getting Alzheimer's like her, because that was just awful. But if I don't know what's going on, maybe I'll be in blissful ignorance! (thanks for pointing this out to me in previous threads : )

It's a few decades off for most of us, and if there's more and more CF people, my hope is that a better retirement/senior assistance system will be created. It's already happening. I've read stories that traditional nursing homes are falling out of favor now that the baby boomers are retiring, and they're demanding better facilities. There's a movement toward smaller assisted living with just a regular house, a few old people, and nurses and housekeepers. That appeals to me, and I keep it in mind when thinking of projects to my own house, which would be perfect for that set-up.

Anyway, big ramble, but I needed to talk about this. Thanks for listening and sharing!

This was a great thread thanks, it helps me because this question was just asked of me the other day. My husband and I are in our late 20's and neither of us wants children. Everyone around us keeps saying we are way to young to have decided this and to just wait a few years which is frustrating. Either way back on topic my husbands father passed away several years ago and so my mother in law is single and alone..except for her two sons. She point blank asked me the other day what I would do if my husband died just like hers did? It was troubling because I DO think of that all the time since most of the men in the family don't seem to make it past 55. She says she would be nowhere if it weren't for her two sons. On path I'm grateful she has them to support her (especially since one of them is my very cute husband) on the other hand I think she'd be living her life out in her home state where she has other family. Its' been a question that has bugged me ever since he passed but all I can do is make sure my husband is healthy and I force him to the doctor every year and that while we are alive and kicking to enjoy every bit of what we have. We feel so strongly about not having children I can't imagine bringing one into our lives to possibly save us when we are old, thats a horrible burden to put on someone else, not to mention all the fun and joy we have planned to be TOGETHER would then be spent on the child. I feel I get more time out of my husband being CF than not and more benefits.

My husband is giving up coffee starting today, and I'm trying to go along with him for support. I know it's better for me also to not be SO addicted to it. But I'm so jealous of all you coffee drinkers right now!!

People at one time looked at babies as future field hands, only to have them yearn to leave the farm and head to the city at the first opportunity. I think to have children to have someone to take care of you when you are old could bring the same disappointments. It's a much better plan to have your finances in order so that you can pay for services if they are needed rather than to expect the investment in your children to pay off in free elderly assistance. I am not childfree, but I do not build my plans for my retirement around their assistance. If they want to help, I will appreciate it but I don't expect it and I pray that I never have to rely on it. I don't want to be a burden or swap roles with my children.