BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why do I find it so unappealing?

YES! I have too many projects to get done to go sit at someone's house and do nothing. I feel so worthless when I sit around, and I've done enough of that in the last few weeks, so why would I do that???

Exactly!!! A friend of mine is currently in college (he went back later in life) and he came home recently, and I invited him to come over. He said he also was planning to go to someone else's house who I sort of knew in high school, and asked if I wanted to go over there and "hang out". I couldn't believe the feeling I had at simply being asked! My response was, "I don't really go to other people's houses and hang out anymore." Sounded sad and antisocial, but I realize that it's true. Most of our friends come to our house.

You're totally right, lngilbert, about not wanting to waste time talking about nothing. I have come to think that life is too short and important to throw time away on people I don't really want to be around. Too many projects to do, too many games on the Wii to play, too many books to read, etc.

A woman I used to work with had created an unusual set up for her family. She and her husband both had the kinds of careers that could be set to the backburner for a year or so, so they took advantage of it. When their son was born, she stayed home with him for a year while her husband worked. Then they switched places and he was a SAHD for a year.

The plan was to alternate years until the boy was in first grade. By then, they hoped to have a plan worked out for which parent would be responsible for arranging work days that ended about the same time as the school day (if they didn't decide to get an afternoon sitter) I lost touch with her before the kid started school, so I don't know how that last part worked out, but I know they both had a blast raising their son during his early years. They each had plenty of time to enjoy the kid, take care of kid and home, and work to take care of each other. The whole family seemed happy.

wow, what a great thread! you are such a great group of people.

most of what i would have said has been said, but here's one thing i wanted to throw in there:

when i hear that being a SAHM is "better for the child," this thought comes to mind . . . [putting on devil's advocate cloak]:
what if, in some cases, it's NOT better? separate from the fact that it might be difficult for the woman and/or the man and/or the couple, is it always necessarily better for the child? consider the possibility that a child who is used to having every single need met exactly when he/she requests it. is this realistic? is this a good lesson, or a set up for the child to be disappointed in the real world and/or become spoiled & entitled and/or overly-dependent. (i'm talking about children who are a bit older, not infants, mind you.) what about the benefits of a child learning from his working parents what it means to be independent, take care of oneself, have outside interests, balance different parts of life? i think the potential for a co-dependent relationship b/w SAHparent and child is there as well. also, i know a SAHM who is burnt out b/c it's constant need, constant work and i wonder if she might have better interactions with her kids if she had a break from them. is she communicating that she is exasperated, or sick of them, even without realizing it? i NEED my alone time from my partner and after we have it, i appreciate him more. i think it would be the same with parents and kids.

keep in mind that i believe that in some cases, for some parents, some kids, certain parenting styles . . . that having a stay at home parent might be the best scenario. what i'm challenging is the ASSUMPTION that that is always what's best. thoughts?

You brought up a good point, and one that I think parents are guilty when the feel that way.
I know for sure one of my friends who has kids (who has issues with guilt trips to begin with) kept fretting over having to work and not stay at home with her kids because they simply couldn't afford it. The thing is, she would go insane, and make me go insane by complaining to me and not doing anything about it.
Since she lives in an apartment, there's NOWHERE she could go to get a five minute break, the kids even follow her in the bathroom (ew!). Yet when she's working, she just keeps thinking about all the things she's "missing out on", and how they need her and so on, when in reality after some time away from them she's a much better mom since she wants to see them! If you're with them 24 hrs a day you get sick of them, but parents seem to think they should be above that or something.

That is great. That is exactly how I would want it to be in a perfect world, if I were raising kids. Either that or the commune/village concept that helped spread the work around and for support. That was the point I was trying to get to actually, but hadn't really made it. I meant to say at the end, that if I was the kind of guy who wanted kids, it's not that I would refuse to marry anyone who valued staying home with the kid, because I think that is important for the child. I just rebel against the concept of it always having to be the man who earns the money and the wife gets to give up regular jobs forever. If she never wanted to go back to work ever (and lots of people seem to be like this), I would feel used.

I mentioned my in-laws already, but as I said before, neither parent stayed home with my DH and he turned out VERY well. It was just presented that because mom is a nurse and dad is a firefighter, that's the way things are. I don't think it ever occured to DH to complain.

This is a very cool thread. I don't know what the perfect set up would look like. But I know my nephew was in daycare, and I believe it was a positive experience for him. I know they didn't always get to him right away, and that was a good thing. My sister is really neglectful, which has actually taught my nephew to be very independent and to figure things out for himself. He kind of has both extremes, b/c when he's at my Mom's house, he's the prince.

I have noticed just in the kids that I personally know that the kids that are at home with their Mom or a nanny seem less outgoing. I think daycare is great b/c it teaches kids to socialize with other kids. I've been around when my nephew is with these kids, and it's a major contrast. He even pulled me aside once and asked me what was "wrong" with another kid. I explained that not everyone is as outgoing as he is, and that the other kid was just different from him, but not wrong. I guess any extreme can be bad, though.

I would not like this if I was a guy. I would run from the aspiring SAHM, or SHAM as someone said earlier. Staying at home was once the norm, but it's ridiculous for people to assume men will go for that now. I like the scenario described where one parent stays home one year, and another the next. It's important for everyone to maintain their skill set and self esteem. We've talked about this before on here, that some women are frightened of the work world. And I've got to think there are other underlying issues if someone is afraid to try to make it in the "real world." What else are they hiding from? I'm not saying all SAHPs are like this. I really think the traditional set up is unhealthy. It's really sad. Many of the women I know in their 50s -70s have lived a life that has been all about housework and childcare. That sucks! It's no wonder so many of them are lost in retirement - no one left for them to take care of. I know people that are very comfortable in their retirement and they are bored to tears b/c they don't have any interests. It's so depressing!

And what about women who's lives completely revolve around their work, or hobby, or whatever? Do they lose their identity too? This subject makes me so angry. You mention freedom. Yes, we are free to chose to have children or not but I dont think It is right to use our freedom to bash another woman's choice.

BTW, some ppl here say some pretty horrible things and it leaves me wondering what kind of parents raised you. Perhaps they would have been better off childless!!!