BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why do I find it so unappealing?

I find it very telling that people don't say "it's better when they're your own", just "it's different...". I'm sure that it is different, but what sort of a reason is that to jump in and do something your instincts are warning you against?

I have to admit, I had a weekend that made me want to run screaming from my own house. One of my husband's friends brought over his little boy. He's 4. He seemed to be able to respond one of two ways "yup" or "nup". I, at 26, can still remember being disciplined strongly if I ever spoke to an adult that way. His father seemed to think that since there was a female in a 20k radius that his responsibility had ended because, of course, I'd love the chance to play Mum. I should explain that his son is only his every second weekend and I have been told not to discipline him at all.

I didn't relish the opportunity and it went something like this:

Me: OK, C, let's watch a video. Have you seen X?
C: Yup
Me: Would you like to see it again?
C: Nup
Repeat above about 7 times
C: You don't have any kids movies do you?
Me: Sorry, no. How about watching one about Earth? There are some really cool animals
C: You don't have any cool movies.
Me (feeling somewhat put down by a 4 year old): Nope, guess we don't.
C: What are those (pointing at my husband's X-box games - which are lined up and alphabetised by my loving, but slightly neat freak husband)?
Me: They're Mick's special things. We aren't allowed to touch those?\
C: They're games. He'd let me
Me: Pretty sure he wouldn't. How about we just try to find a DVD?
C (as he climbs over the brand new leather lounge): I want that book
Me: Which book? Would you like to sit on the couch properly and read it?
C: Nup. You read it.
Me: OK then, which book would you like?
C (wiping snotty nose on arm whilst climbing over couch. I am having palpitations at this point): The koala book
Me (holding up book): This one might have a koala in it
C (looking at our lounge room and realising that he could step from the couch onto the sub, then the tv cabinet onto the left speaker then over onto the second level of our split level house): Nup. I want to play Mick's games. You ask him. He'd let me.
Me: I don't think he would
C (starting to make his move towards the sub): You ask him.
Me: Please sit on the couch properly. How about you watch some TV?
C: I want to play games
Me: C, you really need to sit down on the couch. Please don't step on that box, it will break and then you might get hurt. How about this? You sit there, I'll turn on the TV and I'll go outside and ask Mick?
C: Nup.
Me: Well, really there are no other options. You can either sit here and watch TV or read a book. I need to go outside to ask Mick and the puppies are playing out there. You're a little too small to play with them (which is a complete lie - they've played with other kids quite well but I was trying to escape).
C: He'll let me. You don't need to ask him
Me: Well, I don't know how to set it up and he won't let me play with it so I need to ask him anyway.
C: Put the tennis on. (I waited for a please, it never came)

I left the house and seriously, didn't want to come back in. When I did, after telling him that the answer from Mick was "NO" (resoundingly so - the man freaks if there's a fingerprint on something of his) he said, and I kid you not, "Bring him in here and ask him. He'll let me. You're lying".

That was my breaking point a) you're 4 and b) you're in my house. I, somewhat wrongly, told him to go outside and that he had to stand in the laundry whilst I let the dogs into the front area. If that door had a lock, the afternoon could have been very different. Mick wasn't the happiest that he had to deal with him for the afternoon and I had had enough. He continued to bother me (once his dad and my husband had had their fill) and now we have an agreement that I will get warning if he's ever to come over again. I will leave the house.

I used to work with children in my holidays, I used to volunteer with them but I do not want my own. The idea chills me to the bone. Occassionally I have those kodak moments where I think that it could be fun, but then I go into the real world. It's a lot grimmer most of the time.

Several years ago I worked in a job which I found very stressful; I dreaded going in and even my weekends suffered because by Saturday night I would start worrying about Monday morning. Eventually, I did the best thing for my sanity: I quit. Now, looking back, I shudder when I recall how that job made me feel. The relevance? I have a similar visceral reaction when I picture myself as a mother. The big difference, of course, is that parenthood isn't something you can quit when you've had enough, and you don't even get those brief evening/weekend respites.

There are many reasons why I feel like this. For a start, I don't really like children. If they're well-behaved, I can just about cope with them for a limited time, but I certainly don't seek out their company. Most of the children I see going about my everyday life make me profoundly grateful to be CF and not have "that" in my house. I know that I would loathe and resent the loss of freedom and personal time which parenthood entails; I am a loner by nature and cannot imagine being around another person 24 hours a day, particularly a human being whose personality could turn out to be incompatible with my own.

Having children limits your options in a way that does not appeal to me. After I left my job, I went back to university to pursue a subject which had long been my love - had I had children, I would probably have had to stick with a sensible job to pay the bills. I have no idea what the future holds, whether my academic pursuits will lead to anything long-term or not, but right now I'm enjoying doing what I do, and loving the fact that I can.

Sleep deprivation is also high on my list of undesirables. I don't function well without a decent amount of sleep - right now I'm suffering from a bad cold and haven't had a good night's sleep since Saturday. I'm feeling like a zombie and don't know how people do this for years on end.

There are plenty of other aspect of parenthood which don't appeal to me. What it all comes down to, though, is a simple lack of desire (or a presence of adamant un-desire) to be a mother, and to have my choices dictated by the majority. I'm deeply grateful to live in an age when choice is a real option, even if that choice isn't always accepted by others.

My best friend from high school..which has been a while b/c I am 37 and she is 38..anyway, she's got three kids...we have had times where we didn't talk as much but still kept in touch when the kids were really young. She new my desire not to have kids and never pushed her life on me. She never invited me to the parties are really talked a lot about them when we saw each other. I made time to go visit so the kids know me but I am not at parties, etc. She says she respects me and wants our friendship forever and that she tries really hard to keep her mind open when she is with me. Now, that is the only friend I really have with kids! Now, I try and meet and search for new friends w/o kids which is hard b/c all they have here in the suburbs are KIDS!!!! Kinda lonely.......

Kids make me very nervous! I hope I don't regret my decision and that is why I come to these sites b/c it helps me realize I am not alone...and I guess I maybe living with some of ya'll in retirement complexes b/c we will need people to take care of us when we get older since we don't have kids..heee...hee..

It's true that friendships change over time, I find it sad that once your friends decide to put up family, they drift away. Why? Because usually those "new" friends don't show up - especially once you get into a certain age bracket, 30 and above. There are just not that many CF people out there that you can hook up with anymore. It seems everybody is getting pulled into the baby trap. A very old gf of mine is now having her first baby (she is 42 and diabetic), always has been quite CF but is now bowing to her husband's demands (he absolutely wants one). She is not quite convinced, in fact, it's due in 7 wks and she has not even bought anything yet. We'll see how that works out.

I just think that any mother whose life revolves around their little ones is very limited in her personality. I just find them really boring. I always want to say to them "yes, you are special and your child is unique - just like all the other 8 Billion people on the planet!"

By the way, why is it when I see SAHM, I really see "sham" and when I see SAHD, I really see "sad"... mmmmhhhh

One of the things that makes SAHMs so unappealing to me is that they're not interested in other problems and worries anymore...
The only thing they care about are their kids...
Even their ability to listen to somebody dissapears when the first kid is born...

That drives me nuts...I often talked to friends about something important but their attention was on their kids.

I'm interested in so many things - I would love to upgrade my English ;), travel a lot, get another master degree,... but none of these things would be possible if I had kids...

Wow, why do we find it so unappealing... Hmmm. There are so many reasons. I don't find it stimulating - I think it's mind numbing, THANKLESS work. I'm with Myrabeth that I don't like cleaning up after other people. I'm also very selective about who lives in my home. I lived alone for a very long time and loved it. I would never choose a loud, messy, childish mate that didn't clean up after himself. These are some of the same reasons I don't want a baby living in my house.

My free time is precious, and I don't want to spend it with other kids and parents, doing kiddie things. I like doing this with my nephew some of the time, but I would go insane if that was my weekend. I'm 36 - what do I have in common with a baby LOL! Following someone around all day long, making sure they don't fall and kill themselves, eat things off of the ground, get kidnapped, feeding them, making sure they get a nap - NONE of this sounds interesting to me. I am a thinker, and as a mother I would be forced to think about really mundane things all the time. Like, Chef Boyardee or chicken nuggets for dinner. What stain remover is the best for getting out mud stains. I can't think of anything less interesting.

I find the whole idea of being a stay at home mother terrifying - truly terrifying. I joke about my 'worst nightmare' being a housewife and mother.... but it's true.

Firstly though, I would like to say I respect *parents* who make a choice to stay at home - I don't understand it, but then I don't understand the desire to procreate...

I'll break down my fear into manageable chunks :-D

1) I think I would feel less worthy as an adult

Again, I'd like to point out this is totally subjective and based on *my* feelings. However, getting pregnant is usually not a big deal.. you lie on your back, and hey presto... on the other hand, going to University or entering into a vocational training scheme... working your way up the career ladder all take dedication, comittment and sacrifice.

So, say in my case... I go to Uni for 7 years.. work in IT... and then I decide to pop out a couple of sprogs... rather than learning new things each day, using my skills in a variety of situations, having adult conversations about client solutions / working out accessibility problems.... I am housebound, my day revolves around the kids and my day is taken up with cleaning, tidying, baby stuff. My degrees are useless (I know the argument ' education is never wasted, I can use my education to pass on to my child...er... not unless you lecture them for 3 years , 8 hours, 5 days a week) and when, on the odd occasion I can go out with other adults and the question is asked ' so what do YOU do?' ... saying ' I stay at home and raise my child' isn't met with the same enthusiasm as ' I work as an IT consultant on various projects, in different roles all around the UK'.

I've *seen* men ask women this and as soon as the woman says ' Stay at home mother', they go ' Oh, that's nice' and basically exclude the woman from the rest of the convo.....

2) I never want to rely on someone else for financial support

I don't... I just don't. I don't want to have to ask my partner for money to buy a pair of jeans... nor do I want to ask my partner for money to get my nails done. Ahh the good old counter argument - 'We have a joint account, it's not *his* money.. it's *our* money.... Ok, so you'd be ok with buying a holiday online for you and your mate with *your* money without checking with your partner? How about buying a �500 camera on a whim? I can... as I work and it's my cash... and as long as the bills are paid etc... it's noones business what I spend my cash on.

Also, what happens if, after a few years... I find out my partner has been shagging someone else? where can I go? I have no money of my own... if my partner starts being unreasonable... going out and partying whilst leaving me at home with the child? calling me names? How can I escape if I don't have my own savings or a way to support myself? Ahh yes, we get the argument ' But those types of men are in the minority.. my partner would NEVER do that' - well, I don't think anyone expects their partner to be like that.. if they did, why have a child with them?

3) I would resent my partner

Ahh great, so I get pregnant and see my promotional prospects decrease by about 70% .... I have the child and decide to go back to work.. but wait, my partner thinks it's a good idea for one of us to stay at home - re.. me. No, he couldn't possibly give up *his* important career, no... but as I'm the one who give birth, it just makes 'sense' for me to give up my career... so I give up my career... watch as every month it makes it harder and harder for me to go back to work as the IT industry moves on very quickly... and see my partner getting promoted, more cash and I get baby sick and nappies to change.

I would resent my partner having an 8 hour day... when my day was 24/7 .. I would resent him having interesting challenges when my routine was boring and motonous... I would resent him becoming more successful in his chosen career.. whilst my title has been replaced with 'Mother'. 'What did you do today'? Oh.. not much, had a few client meetings, got asked to do a presentation for X clients so that we can move forward on this proof of concept work... what about you?' .. 'Oh, the same thing as the last 2 years..... ' Urgh.

No, no, no.....

*awaits all the flaming she's probably going to get :-D*

For the longest time I would see "CF" in the right margin of the screen at this site and I thought it meant Cystic Fibrosis. I dont understand why there is place at this site where women can trash other women because of their choice to have a child.

That would be a big one for me, too. I have always earned my own money and asking somebody else to hand me money (whether it's for legit reasons like food, healthcare etc or a splurge) would make me feel extremely uncomfortable.

I often think that a lot of women use a double standard when it comes to working in the home. If I was a SAHM, then that would be my job and I would try to do a good one. A perfect example of what NOT to do is my sister. SAHM with three kids. She has all day and basically gets nothing accomplished. Her husband is an engineer, works long hours, then when he gets home, she doesn't even let him catch his breath but is right on him with "do this - do that.... help x with her home work, make sure y puts his pjs and brushes his teeth, do the dishes after dinner, after all, I did the cooking" and so on. I feel really sorry for the guy. On top of that, he is such a sweetheart and never protests. I just think that if she uses HIS pay that he brings home from working his job, then she also needs to do HER job!