BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Another bingo from mom

Lately all my conversations with my mother have turned to my having kids, probably because I'm 35 and time is of the essence. She knows that we do not want kids and that I've felt that way my entire life.

My husband and I are both engineers and his site is shutting down at the end of the year so he's looking for another job. She's trying to convince us to move back to Neb because they really need highly skilled technical people there and we could find jobs easily. I said that we wouldn't want to live there again because everyone has kids and it would be very hard for us. That we have a lot of friends here that also do not have kids.

Then the bingoing started. She said that she worries about me once they are gone because I will have no family. That we should have kids so that we will have family. This made me very upset as I had finally come to peace with my decision. I start getting depressed when I start doubting my decision and don't pull out of it until I come back to my true feeling of being CF. This site has helped me SO much in that regard. I brought up some of my reasons for wanting to be CF and how I was at peace with my decision. And that of course one of my biggest concerns is being lonely because I will have no family. It is a concern, but I don't think that's a very good reason to have kids. Seems pretty selfish actually. And of course it's no guarantee. I told her I just really don't like being around kids and I would be a horrible parent. That too many people do it for all the wrong reasons; I'm at least intelligent enough to realize that it's not for me instead of going along with the flow. She agreed that I shouldn't have kids if I truly don't want them, but just wanted to point out our possible future if we don't. She also agreed that too many people have kids that really shouldn't.

Anyways just wanted to share my conversation and thank you all for everything I have learned from the posts here. It's really helped me arm myself for these types of conversations. And to have more confidence in expressing our decision to others.

Wow naz! Had almost exactly this conversation a few weeks ago with my dad. He thinks that in addition to having kids so I'll have family when I'm old, I should get a job with a pension and if I can't find one, join the military. I'm completely serious.

It is hard for me too to hear that people are worried about me in my old age. I don't have complete confidence in myself that I can just shrug it off. But I agree that it's a really bad reason to have kids. I can save money and prepare for retirement much better if I don't have kids.

I think their generation is out of whack with reality, and we can't really take their advice about a lot of things anymore. The world was different when they were having kids.

I'm so sorry that she said those things to you though, and I understand how you feel, because I'm the same way.

hi naz,

even when we it can be easy to start doubting when people through these guilt trips and fear-based scenarios at you.

i have a few responses:
1. you DO have a family. you and your husband are family. i don't believe that a couple must have a child for that to be true. family is who you make it and i know people who consider their circle of close friends to be their family.
2. re: loneliness: the times i've felt most lonely, were when i was with other people, but feeling disconnected or unhappy. for example, have you ever been in a relationship that wasn't going well and you feel totally alone when you're with that person? that--to me--is way worse than being content with solitude. it seems sadder and LONELIER to imagine having a child and regretting it, or not feeling connected, than to remain happily child-free.
3. as many people on this board have expressed: not only does having a child for the purpose of having someone to care for you when your old seem incredibly selfish, it also seems misguided to me. why would anyone think that having a child is a guarantee that they'll be around and willing and able to care for an elderly parent. think how LONELY that would feel if you HAD child and they weren't interested in doing that . . .

Naz, you and I couldn't be any more alike in this regard. I'm 36, will not be having children, and I'm an only child. My mom is 67, my father is 72. They're not going to with us in a few years.

But by GOD, I stand firm in my sentiment that having a child for reasons that you don't want to be alone later in life is SO much more selfish than not having a kid and instead finding substance in your self and the life your parents gave you.

I have doubts, too, Naz. We all do. But the more we talk through it, the more strength we muster, the more we feel "okay."

well put. i know i'll have doubts--probably more as i get older and hear more bingoing and get closer to the point of no return agewise. it's so important to keep processing it in a safe place like this!

Actually, what I've found through my mid, now entering late, 30s is that the doubts will be less as you become more comfortable in not your own skin but in your own decisions, which can many times be one in the same.

I hear, through this forum and more, that women who experience the time when the decision is no longer ours (menopause) don't feel sad; rather, they experience peace. This is good to know.

Fbritt, I had never thought about it this way, but you are right. I can absolutely think of many times this has been the case.





AngelaP,

I am also an only child and I know that is part of her concern for me. I definitely agree that is not the right reason to be having kids, that's for sure.

I actually don't have doubts about choosing not to have kids. I have never felt any real pull toward motherhood. In my mind, people have kids because they really really want kids, not because they are worried about being alone in old age. I have never thought of kids as an old-age care/guard against loneliness. Maybe I am lucky because my parents have never pressured me to have kids. I'm lucky they have pretty much stayed out of my business since I have become an adult. I think they realize having kids is a huge decision, a personal decision. Maybe I have also benefitted from not marrying until age 35, and having kids before marriage would have been frowned upon by my Catholic parents. I don't know. But, when I see cute little kids, ones that are even fun to be around, I don't feel the pull that I consider having one of my own. Rather, I think, "Oh, that's cute, but I'm glad I'm not responsible for him/her 24/7." Am I a rarity? It always seemed surprising to me when people would put on the kids pressure before I was even married. To me, marriage comes before kids, if you want kids. But maybe I'm old-fashioned.

I am also very analytical, and tend to weigh things over in my mind before deciding to commit to something life-changing. So maybe that's where my logical mind has overcome any emotional pulls (feeble as they would have been) regarding children.

I guess I just feel that having kids should be a conscious choice, and not having them, if you don't make a conscious choice to have them, is the default. But that's just me!

Cindy

Cookie, you're the gentle breeze in many storms. What an eloquent, honest and "Easy-Like-Sunday-Morning" way to relay your sentiment here.

NOW who's dated herself, right along with the Commodores? HA!

i agree wholeheartedly, but our society does not seem to operate from this perspective. when people say, "why don't you want kids?" i am annoyed at the question b/c i feel you should justify having kids, justify bring a life into this world, rather than the reverse. going along as you are without parenting IS truly the default, but our cultural pressure to all have kids makes it seem as if the default is parenthood. this makes poor CF people feel they have to explain why they have strayed from the standard path. i hate this!