BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Making decision permanent

I hate to admit it, but I felt a small sense of loss as well. It didn't help that ALL of the reading material in the urologists office seemed geared towards making pregnancy happen as opposed to preventing it.

For myself, it's more the loss of a life experience than a longing to be a mom. Realistically, I tend to avoid contact with babies and small children and lack the desire to be a parent.

I know what you mean bassgrrl about the reading material. It seems like when you're dealing with this decision, all you hear and read is "What about this option, what about that option?" and if you dare say, "I think I'll just move on from this whole thing and do something else with my life," people can't accept it. "Oh, but you haven't tried _____! Never give up!"

I think you've just summed up how a lot of us, if not most of us, feel. You know, when we get the baby rabies and suddenly start second-guessing our decision. It's not that we want a kid, or that we want to parent. It's the idea of having a kid or being a parent. It's the experience of being like everyone else.

The thing about life experiences is that we can't have them all. I REALLY want to go to the most haunted places in the world and search for ghosts. Unfortunately, most of those places are privately owned and I'll probably never get inside. It's something that I'll regret, but that doesn't justify my breaking into the place because I have a 'right' to that experience.

It also doesn't justify a woman going to any lengths to have a baby.

(This wasn't in response to anyone's comments specifically, just a sort of rational meander.)

Yes, that's exactly it. I'd like to have multiple careers, too. But I guess that's what reincarnation's for.

I think that if I went over to the other side I would be a pretty good parent, however, I think that juggling everything would really stress me out. If I won the lottery and didn't need to worry about money or career, I would have considered it more seriously. I'm already spread too thin. I wouldn't be doing anyone any favors if I did go over to the other side.

Nice job summarizing, Ingilbert. And you touched a nerve, too, bassgirl.

As strong as I feel in my decision, sometimes, like today after spending two days with a country girl who has three kids (her first at 16), I have to come back and do inventory, once again get centered (and come in here).

Oh, I am so looking forward to that. You are such an inspiration to me, Deborah; I don't think you realise quite how much. I can't believe how relevant this thread is to me, and I am so grateful that all of you have admitted to experiencing the confusing feelings that I have, to one degree or another.

At Christmas time it really got to me that I am not a Mum. It's like all the usual things that might pop up once in a while all surfaced at once in one big fat overwhelming lump. It was that whole family Christmas thing, plus being around a lot of people who have children, being outside of my usual safe haven of work, and also my Mum being rushed to hospital and me recognising that the generation above me will soon be no more, and that leaves, well, just me and my siblings - no-one below me to extend my family. And it was more of the ongoing grieving that I am going through - even though none of this is reason for me to try to have a child; I actually don't want to!!!! I just want to accept it!!!

We were staying in my sister's partner's holiday home on a private island (long story) just after Christmas and DH and I were taking a walk across the hills. I was suddenly hit by a WALLOP of grief to the point that I just crumbled to the ground. I just found myself starting to weep, and then I blurted all this stuff out to DH - about how I feel inadequate and childish because I am not a Mum, about how a child will never "need me" and about how sad and pathetic I am (I'm not, I just felt that way then) pretending that I have a significant role in young people's lives (niece, bephews etc). It was a dreadful moment for both me and DH and the emotion was overpowering for me.

I carried on being tearful on and off for several days, then had a truly awful NY Eve. We were with my husband's gang of friends - it's a group of people he does pub quizzes with, but most of them are on their 30's. The wives are friendly but not really on my wavelength. One is a mother, one recently became a mother, another is pregnant and another is just getting married mid-30s and is sure to get quickly pregnant. They all went on and on about babies and pregnancy. ON AND ON. One asked me privately if there was any progress re babies for me (I told her no and there won't be - too late and too hard), one of the men asked me about my job and when I said I was exhausted said "you're not pregnant are you?", the new mother said "hmmmm I wonder who will be pregnant this time next year" and scanned the room to me and the other woman about to get married, and another of the women said mischieviously "hmmm, so why do you think you're so tired?".

It was UNBEARABLE in my fragile state. I felt panicked and trapped and just wanted out of there, and to never be around these people again.

Anyway, on New Years Day, my other beautiful sister came over (she's 10 years older than me and the Mum of my nephews) and we sat in the garden. I finally raised re issue of me not having kids and told her where I was at. I asked if she felt I was inadequate or to be pitied for not being a Mum and she said "NO. We have always just thought that you are doing different things with your life and you have such an INTERESTING life. Having kids makes you feel completely trapped for years."

I then said "sometimes I think that maybe I should foster just to get this out of my system". She said "really, why would you want to deal with other people's messed up kids? Don't do it".

She went on to praise all of my achievements, and I just felt a million dollars again.

Since then I have felt really good. I think the outburst of grief was necessary and healthy. And see my NY Resolutions post - I am going to stay away from people who make me feel bad.

Sorry that this post was so long. It is an emotional journey for me and I am so looking forward to coming out the other side.

FeebeeGeebee,

Thank you so much for sharing that with us. I know what you are saying. And you have a wonderful sister.

Maybe we should make a list of people who have made positive contributions to the world who never reproduced (ie. Mother Theresa).

We're still counting down to the big V - a week from today. I think I will feel better once we've reached the point of no return.

Feebee, I am so sorry about your NY eve experience. People can be so clueless and insensitive.

I, too, am struggling with a final, comfortable acceptance of the fact that I won't have kids. I am lucky in that no one is bugging me about it. I am 41 and I think people probably think I'm trying but can't get pregnant. They're too polite to ask, fortunately, and I don't care what they think.

It's still hard, though, when everyone talks about their kids constantly, my mother has pictures of my niece and nephew along with the grandchildren of her friends on the refrigerator, and it seems that marriage and then children are the only things that are celebrated for women in our society.

It helps to remind myself how lucky I am when I'm doing something that would be impossible or extremely difficult with a child. When I sleep late on Saturday morning, for example, I think that if I had a baby I would be up early and exhausted all the time. When I'm working out, I think that I wouldn't be doing it if a child needed my attention. Or reading a book, watching TV with my husband, going away for a romantic weekend, meditating, whatever. It seems to help.

Nice post, FeebeeGeebee. There's definately nothing wrong with having bouts of insecurity. When you're the only person walking west while everyone else seems to be walking east, it can really erode at your resolve.