BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids A question?

I have been reading ALL over the Bella forums - even topics that are not particularly connected to me. On this particular forum I have a question however, and I ask it as a mom of one who is a happy parent- a realistic parent who knows that nothing can make you as happy/sad/mad/joyous/frustrated as parenthood! It is the highest highs and the lowest lows, not an easy job and not for everyone.
I completely respect the rights of people not to have children and am in fact glad when anyone knows themselves well enough and clearly enough to make an informed decision. Having kids is a HUGE decision, not to be entered into lightly, and every potential parent should think it through carefully and deeply, and not just plunge into it. Heck, I have been debating all the aspects of adding a puppy to our house- for the last FOUR YEARS ! - and still have not acted on it because I am not clear this would work for us. So certainly, I have nothing but admiration for anyone who is responsible enough and self aware enough to make the decision that is best for them, no matter the external pressures.
Having said that- I notice most of the threads here seem to be less about the happiness within your lives, and more about the misery in parent's lives. Excerpts from things parents have written can certainly be found that make parenthood sound like a slow death! But then again, excerpts can also be found showing parenthood to be the greatest joy imaginable! it all depends on what point of view one wants to convey.
I sense that focusing on these negative " confessions" or on negative examples of parents serves mostly to reassure yourselves that your opinion is " right" or " justified". As I said, if it is right for you IT IS RIGHT! It is made no less right by my loving parenthood- it is made no MORE right by these "parental confessions".
I guess what I am wondering is- if you are in fact at peace with your decision, why the neccesity to be almosthisclose to bashing parents - something I see is against the terms of service for this forum.
It takes away from the credibility of the " I am happy with my stance and decision" image you all wish to convey, and makes those of you who contribute such posts seem to be seeking validation.
I do not need to go to a dog site and denounce all dogs and cite article after article on pet abuse or dogs biting people to justify that - at least at this time - I do not want a dog. I am comfortable with my decision and have nothing to prove.
If you are Happy To Be Childfree, then that happiness SHOULD derive from the life you are able to lead without children. If it is based on the avoidance of the misery expressed by a few well chosen excerpts posted here ( the confessions and so on ) - that is a funny way to obtain a sense of happiness and satisfaction.
Share with me what you do in your life that makes up for the joy of parenthood, and I will respect that completely. Cite how Joe Brown and Sue Smith are at their wits ends with their kids, and I will only perceive that as a kind of hollow vindication for a decison perhaps based less on how great your life REALLY is- but how afraid you are for how your life MIGHT be if you became parents. That is how it comes across anyway...
I welcome all responses !

I'll stand up and say it - I love my life! From an early age I know I've never wanted kids, and I know I'll have no regrets - not now, not ever.

I also have no issue whatsoever with great parents. In fact, I love watching really great parents whose children respect and love them at work, it's really something to see. I applaud these people for knowing that it's a [censored] shoot and a [censored] job, and doing it anyway.

I do have issues with righteous morons who try to shove their POV down my throat, insinuate that they know more about me than I do, and tell me that my choices are wrong, immature and selfish. If you take the time to read this blog in depth, you'll understand that this is the main focus of the comments and dialogue on here.

As for how afraid we are of what our lives might look like if we became parents - why would I put myself through a body wrecking pregnancy to get something I don't want, that would make me, my spouse, and an innocent kid miserable? Seriously? Why pander to me in one sentence congratulating me on my foresight for not breeding, and then in the next breath insult me by calling me "afraid"?

And yes, sometimes we are self congratulatory - as I think we should be for having the intelligence, maturity, and self knowledge to make good decisions. As opposed to the herd mentality that just runs off and does it because it's the done thing, and then bitches to the world about how haaaaaaard it is...

So what do I do with my life that makes it so wonderful? I sleep in. I snowboard all over the world. I jet off for a weekend away at the drop of a hat. I train for triathlons. I bust my hump at the gym at 6am. I dream about treks in Nepal and trips to Antarctica, and then I make them happen. I work towards spending 6 months of the year after I turn 50 volunteering on a third world project. I support my friends, I care for animals, and I love my family. It's tough, but someone has to do it :-)

You have a point...although as per usual it comes from the skewed perspective of a parent. "the highest highs, the lowest lows", "what you do in your life that makes up for the joy of parenthood"...this is bingoing. Granted it's delivered rather eloquently, it's still the same pathetic [censored] we always hear.

You assume that for some reason I would consider anything in my life to be as "joyous" as parenthood. You want my honest answer..I woke up with a hangover..I consider that more joyous than parenthood. I find little to no joy in parenthood. And what little joy can be found, can be replaced in many other ways, if I really feel the need to spend some time with children, I go and volunteer, there are plenty of kids with parents that still need help anyways.

I did rather like your comparison of our forum to a dog site. Except you forgot one very important part. If we were a group of people that didn't want dogs, odds are, crazy pro-dog people (much like yourself) would not show up harassing us about it. I wouldn't catch flack from my co-workers over my personal decision not to have a dog. My family and friends (now former) would never lecture me over my selfishness in choosing not to have a dog.

We have excellent threads in this forum talking about our lives, and the parts of it that we enjoy, being child free. And yes we also have threads that are pointing out the many problems with todays parents. We try and bring them into this forum largely in part because we can't discuss these things in public. The sheer implication that our choice might not be the "right one" in some peoples views, is instantly met with criticism and anger.

Honestly alot of people come here, and preach our child free ways, because we don't have a choice. The typical person is too childish and too immature to accept our oppinions for what they are, oppinions. They immediately assume that we are simply attacking the fact that they are bad parents. (which is truly the key here, if you arn't a bad parent you shouldn't be offended, if you do get offended obviously you are a bad parent)

So fine. I won't site how "Joe Brown and Sue Smith are at their wits ends with their kids" instead I will site how happy I am, with my choice. Every day I get up and feel stress free and enjoy my life. And if I choose to voice my views here in this forum rather than yelling at every bad parent I see in public (because although I think they are crazy, I respect their decision to breed) then why can't you just leave me in peace.

And as for breaking forum rules with parent bashing, why don't you truly read our threads, and view all the typical "drive-bys" that we get from enraged parents who are so defensive at our implications that they explode in verbal rage. But of course you won't..because you agree with their views. And that's fine, thats your choice.

So let's work out a deal...I don't judge you in the parents forums...which last I checked...I don't. And you don't judge me in the No kids forums.

There are plenty of parents in this forum who are able to communicate without coming off as a "biased parent" who is against our views. Take some notes.

Skeeter

talk about opening up a can of worms. Yep, this one definitely did. WOW

hahah see I told yah

Oh you guys are so bad............LOL

You know, I spend a lot of time having to keep my mouth shut. There are some things about the world that I see. I notice how there is less and less farm and land and more and more developments. I notice how huge the crowds have become at places that offer a necessary service. I notice how many people are competing for jobs that pay a decent wage with good benefits. I notice how angry people are getting at immigrants. I can see how these things are getting worse and how they will continue to get worse.

I also see the answer. If there were less people, there would be less crowding, pollution and over-consumption.

For a while, I tried to point this out to other people. I found out how radically different my opinion is from practically everyone else. My opinion is unwelcome, because it would mean that people can't have as many babies as they want. It would mean that people would have to actually think about how scary the future and the reality of today actually is.

So most people tell me that I'm just a really negative person. That I'm wrong. That I should have more faith in God. Or, that I'm just plain weird.

I don't know that I can really blame these people. There's a lot about the world we can't change. It's nice to have a family and hope for the best. Many parents hope that by making mature and responsible choices that their children will be the kind of stable people who can change the future and make things better.

Nonetheless, through my eyes any person who has more than 2 children is actively destroying humanity and the planet that it lives on.

This is one of the only places that I can express my opinions have have someone actually listen and at least partially understand. This is one of the only places where I find some sanity. I don't feel so alone and helpless here.

Yes, the site can be negative. Reality can be pretty negative, too, when you actually stop to think about it.

Pikasam and Skeeter great posts

Having said that- I notice most of the threads here seem to be less about the happiness within your lives, and more about the misery in parent's lives.

You should read my posts and posts by Bonsai, Cookiecody, Deborah49,FeebeeGeebee and Pikasam to name a just a few examples. It would also do you some good to read the columns that the forum moderator, Kim Kenney, writes. We are a diverse group of people with an amazing variety of talents and interests.

Share with me what you do in your life that makes up for the joy of parenthood, and I will respect that completely.Most of my free time is devoted to outdoor sports and reading. I speak and read modern Hebrew passably. I don't criticize other members of the local Jewish community whose Hebrew is at a lower level than mine or nonexistent. I had my share of weak subjects as a student.

I am an extreme skier and endurance cyclist. I have ridden my road bike over many mountain passes in Europe and the western USA on picture perfect sunny days,through freezing cold and rain, and scorching heat. I took the day off work yesterday to enjoy an awesome day of powder skiing at Taos Ski Valley. Snow fell most of the day to go with 50 mph wind gusts, whiteout conditions and temperatures in the single digits. I enjoyed a wonderful day of skiing on deserted slopes. I skied 11 runs from the lift and 11 runs from the hike to ridge lines. All the runs I skied were steep runs at an elevation of 9200' to 12,000'. The terrain at Taos is some of the steepest lift served ski terrain in North America. Other than a short 20 min break for lunch and a 5 min stop at mid day for warmer clothes, I skied non stop from 9:30 to 4:30. Did I lecture or criticize other skiers who quit early? Of course not! I returned home drained and elated. This morning I was at the local ski hill at 6:45 am. I hiked up to the top (1200' climb to 10,400') and skied down (great powder here too with 20" of new snow) in 38 minutes. I drove home showered and arrived at the office at 8:20 am.

My point in describing my athletic endeavors is not to brag or call attention to myself. I don't care if people
share my enthusiasm for skiing and biking. There are aspects of skiing and biking that I have no interest in doing. Cross country ski races and criterium bike races are not my cup of tea so I don't do them. One can not pick and choose with the pleasant and unpleasant aspects of parenthood.

I am single and looking to meet a woman. I will compromise on many issues, but my firm and permanent CF stance offers no compromise. Therefore, I only date CF women. I didn't like being a paid babysitter as a teenager. The idea of being an unpaid babysitter as an adult is even less appealing.

Mike

Oh yeah, and I think we quote the negative stuff about parenting on this site because we're told every day how great and fun parents is, and NOT how difficult and dangerous it is.

I have ran across other childfree sites that were extremely disrespectful to parents. Calling mothers moos, breeders, and their kids all kinds of horrible things. These are sites that are "bashing parents". What I've seen on this site is merely venting situations that we come across in our everyday lives as minorities. And maybe some out of frustration from "bad" parents.