BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie with a question

Hi, everyone. I can't tell you how happy I am to have found this site. There are so many people here with the same outlook as me, and that is refreshing. I have a question about my own situation that I'd like to pose to you all and get your opinions. I apologize in advance. This is going to be a long one.

Here's a little background on my situation: Hubby & I have been married 7 years. Before we married, I had 884 Reasons Not To Have Children, which I quoted from almost every day (or at least every time I was with my sister's kids). Right after our 1st anniversary, we decided to start a family. Everyone else was doing it and their babies were so cute. DH said how much he wanted a family (we hadn't really talked about it before), I got caught up in the cute baby fever, and so I stopped taking BC. BOOM! Pregnant. Immediately. Everything was going fine until about 6 months into the pregnancy. I started having complications, and then an ultrasound finally confirmed our worst fears - our baby had died. Our son, Connor, was stillborn and we buried him 3 months before my due date. In the course of the birth, I suffered seizures, nearly had a stroke and could have died as well. DH said it was something he never wanted to live through again. He couldn't bear the thought of losing me like that.

Instead of ripping us apart, like it could have, the experience brought us closer. We were devastated over the loss of our son, but over the next couple of years it made us realize we weren't ready for parenthood anyway. We were enjoying our time with each other too much. We tabled the family discussion for a few years. Two years ago, my OB/GYN brought up the subject of more permanent BC if we weren't planning on trying again any time soon (we're 30 yrs old now). So I talked to DH about it. We decided we were happy with our lives as they were, and we were enjoying being new "dog parents" and focusing on our careers.

Fast forward to today. The newest wave of baby fever has erupted amongst our circle of friends. Our best friends, who until last summer we thought would probably always be CF, had a baby around Thanksgiving. After visiting them in the hospital, holding the baby, etc., DH comes out of the blue and says, "So don't you ever want to try again? I really want to have kids." ARGH!! I told him no, I'm still happy with the way things are, and I'm scared to death about my own life and health if we ever tried again. He is adopted, so he really wants a child of his own blood, but he said as a last resort he wouldn't be opposed to adoption. He was really disappointed with my answer, and he's tried to casually bring it up several times since then. Every time, I find a way to change the subject. I know I have to face this conversation eventually, but I just don't know how to have it without it being confrontational. Any suggestions? How do I approach this subject with him? If he's adamant about it, is this the end of our marriage?

I'm so freaked out right now. This thing just blind-sided me. That's how I found this site...looking for answers. Thanks for listening.

Hi Kristarae,

I am so sorry for you child.

My opinion is that your husband seem very much affected by the happenings around him. Seems like he sees people being happy with kids, then he wants kids. When he saw you suffer, he got scared and decided not to have kids.

If I were you, I would leave him out for a moment and ask myself honestly if I want kids. The truth is, you'll be the one carrying most of the burden of the pregnancy. So you have to want it for yourself and not to please him. The health issue should be priority. Perhaps he needs to be reminded about the times when he almost lost you?

And how about adoption? That would eliminate the health issue but still, once you adopt, it'll change your lifestyle. So the second question is if you want to be a parent. Again, you shouldn't decide because your husband wants to be a dad.

It's risky for your marriage, to ask these questions honestly. But in the long run, you'll be fair to yourself and "the kid".

My 2 cents worth. ;o)

Welcome!

Its not necessarily the end. I do think that sometimes men get the baby rabies too. When its something everyone else is doing you do feel left out sometimes.

Why not ask to leave the conversation for 6 months to a year. Then hopefully he can decide if his feelings are just because everyone else is having one or if he really does want one.

Its not always a deal breaker but its one of those things where no one is a winner.

That's awful about your baby. I'm so sorry. I can see why it would freak you out. I certainly would say NO to trying again, for your own health. However, it's up to you and your doctor if you want to try again.

Your husband seems to have "baby rabies." Does he remember the hell that you went through before? I bet that he cares more about you than any "potential" children you "might" have. If I were him, I'd be terrified of losing you, OR losing BOTH you AND the baby - and then what would he have?

I don't think it would mean the end of your marriage if he is still adamant about wanting kids. He may not have even thought about this very much, maybe he just likes the idea of holding his own offspring.

As a woman, I say that it is YOUR CHOICE to make. Yes, the man has a say, but ultimately, YOUR health will suffer the most if something happens. It's your body, and maybe your body was trying to tell you something.

I think you definitely should talk to him sooner rather than later. Bring up all your concerns, and ask him why he suddenly wants to try again. It could be something as simple as he just felt that surge of want when he saw his best friend with a baby. He may have gotten over the majority of that.

If you don't feel comfortable bringing up the subject, wait until the next time HE does, and don't change the topic. And I would probably ask him why HE wants a baby before I said anything myself. Let him get his feelings out in the air before you start reacting to what you think he might say. That way, if you don't know what to say, you at least can say, "okay, I've heard how you feel, let me take a day or two to think about how I feel."

I think that way you won't be saying things out of fear or panic, and will have enough time to formulate an appropriate response.

I hope that helps.

Kristarae, have you considered getting counseling? What you have been through is really too big for you to take on by yourself. Your grief, that is something that you will have to take on. But the next step, the way you reply to things, you can get help for that. You can't just avoid this conversation. But professionals will help you talk to each other without the terrible misunderstandings that could end your marriage.

Marriage counseling is not failure. It is learning the tools to keep a deep and lasting connection with your husband, and to always be able to communicate what you really want to say.

Welcome to the forum, Krista. This is a tough one.

There's 2 excellent resources I can point you to : the latest Unscripted Life :BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

I'm so sorry for your loss Kristarae.

As someone who's been a fencesitter about it forever, I can understand your husband's side of it. I'm not sure what to advise. I want to say don't be afraid to talk about it with him, but maybe that's bad advice and talking about it more could lead to problems too.

But, from my perspective, it's helpful for me to talk with CF people, and it has made me see many things I didn't before. I now feel a lot better about being CF, which is likely what I will be in the end. I have such mixed feelings about it, and have some periods where I feel one way and then like a pendulum, swing completely the other way. My husband is the same way. I just wanted to say that because your husband may be like us, and maybe doesn't always feel like that. Talking about your reasons for not wanting kids might be effective in helping him change his mind. In other words, he's changed his mind before, so it could happen again.

Good luck and welcome to the forum.

Thank you all for your input. I really appreciate it. It's frustrating because lately he seems to blow hot and cold on this subject. For example, he told me last week that a co-worker of his just got back from vacation and was disappointed because there were only 2 things he really wanted to do on vacation - 1. have a nice, quiet dinner at a nice restaurant, alone with his wife, and 2. go parasailing while they were at the beach. He got to do neither. Every day was all about what the kiddos wanted to do. He looked forward to going back to work to get away from it all. So my hubby was talking about how much that would suck, and I said, "See, that's why I love our doggie. When we go on vacation, it's all about what WE want to do. The dog goes to the pooch resort and has a blast, and we get to take a break from everything and spend time doing what we want to." He agreed with me.

So I do think I'm just going to let it alone until he brings it up again, and then act on some of the advice you all have given. I just hope the next time he brings it up is at a time that is more conducive to having a serious, rational discussion. Usually he brings it up at the worst times, like driving home from a New Year's Eve party when we're both tired and ready for bed.

I know in my heart after several years of soul-searching that I do not want children. I guess we just need to figure out what's deep in his heart. Thanks again, everyone!!