BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Tell Me About It - Advice From Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax is an advice columnist and this was in our paper today:



�Adults only� a grown-up option
CAROLYN HAX


Adapted from a recent online discussion.
DEAR CAROLYN: I live in a smallish house and want to have a cocktail party. Fun, right? However, I have some friends who take their toddler everywhere. I know that unless I put something on the invitation, they will bring their son. What is a polite way to say, �No kids�? Is �adults only� better? Or, �I am planning to get drunk and expose myself so don�t bring anyone impressionable�?
� Washington
DEAR READER: I like the last option, but �adults only� is probably less open to willful misinterpretation.

DEAR CAROLYN: Uh-oh ... is that us? We have a 6-monthold, but we have to bring her, because, like, every single person we know we could hire to babysit her is already at the party! So if she�s not wanted, we can�t go. But we feel so stupid saying every time, �Is it OK if we bring M?� I feel like maybe they feel like they have to say yes.
� Anonymous
DEAR READER: It is you. To your great credit, you do have the decency to ask, but it�s still you. Branch out and find sitters independent of your social circle. It is hard but thoroughly worth it.
And please lose the �if she�s not wanted� spin. That attitude is really corrosive to your friendships and, frankly, your image of yourself as an adult independent of your job as parent. Sometimes people want to be able to have an adult conversation with you. This is not about �not wanting� your kid there � although that isn�t a negative thing, either. Kids can get annoying sometimes. This is a fact.

DEAR CAROLYN: �Sometimes people want to be able to have an adult conversation with you�? Well, that�s fine, but not at my inconvenience and expense. Find some friends who don�t mind including your daughter. Baby sitters are fine if you want to hire them, but don�t do it to please someone else.
� Weighing In
DEAR READER: No no, that makes you part of the problem! And not just the little-kids-at-bigkid-parties problem, it�s part of the larger problem that also includes line-jumping, ticket-scalping, abusing credit, and cutting people off in traffic only to drive well below the speed limit.
There is a society out there, with customs, expectations and norms. When you make your own rules, you do so at the expense of everyone who makes a good-faith effort to behave in a civil and courteous way.
A cocktail party, in our society, is not the place for a child, not unless you have actual knowledge or instructions to the contrary.
If you don�t like the norms, that�s fine, you�re welcome to go find friends who see things your way; we�re in agreement on that part.
But getting a sitter in lieu of bringing a child to a cocktail party is not something you do �to please someone else.� It�s something you do out of respect for your host, for other guests and for those aforesaid cultural norms.
And to end on a pre-emptive note: Some of these adult parties are thrown by people who love children. Just not at the center of the universe 24-7, and not after 8 p.m. around the good stemware.
Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at www.wash ingtonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; or e-mail
tellme@washpost.com

That was an awesome article!

Woo-hooooo!!! Love the way Carolyn didn't back down to the parent who said, "Find some friends who don't mind including your daughter."

Pfffft. Sure, go ahead. Just like I have cultivated friendships with people who are more socially normalized and know that cocktail parties are no place for kids.

A girlfriend (C, the mother of two teen boys) and I once invited out another girlfriend of ours (L, the mother of a 12-year-old boy) for her birthday. L asked if her son could come, too, to which we replied that we intended to take her out for dinner and drinks and didn't feel like policing ourselves around a kid whose vocabulary, maturity level and innocent little ears might not be the best recepticles for swearing, talking about relationships with our SO's, and anything else that might fly out of our mouths after two margaritas.

L said if her son couldn't go then she didn't want to go either. Note that she had the whole day with her son; we just wanted to take her out for a couple of hours. Nope. She was highly offended. So fine - we left her alone. It's those kinds of people with whom our relationships start to erode, as many in here have mentioned.

WIN!! I love her!

Bravo, I loved this, especially the part I quoted above. I'm all for breaking the rules when it makes sense, but if there can be "kids only" parties, there should also be adult only parties, where adult interests reign supreme.

I think what she said is also what ticks me off when people cry poor when they have kids. Everyone else plays by the rules, has a job, pays bills, etc. But some parents get handouts b/c they have kids? That really burns me up.

I love reading her column in the Post. She says exactly what I'm thinking, only much more eloquently.

It's refreshing to see someone brave enough to make these sensible points, that are often ignored or forgotten...
I'm having a special dinner for my 50th birthday in February at a beautiful and expensive restaurant.
My DH & I are then heading overseas for 3 weeks.
I've invited 18 people - immediate family and closest friends - the youngest guest is my 16 year old nephew.
My mother informed me this morning that my brothers partner is annoyed that her children (3 from her first marriage and a baby with my brother) haven't been invited and has said that she will not be attending (that includes my brother) unless an invitation is sent to her kids.
Sorry, her kids don't know how to behave and they are not going to ruin our evening. Also, arriving with a baby would be totally inappropriate.
One of my friends suggested that I leave "H" (my nephew) off the guest list to "keep the peace"....My nephew is a huge part of my life and he knows how to behave in fine restaurants and mixes easily with people from all walks of life.
"M's" children throw food, sulk, swear, shout, fight....
No, "H" stays on the guest list and "M's" kids are not invited - if that means my brother can't attend - so be it - perhaps, we can catch up for a drink on the day.

Early Happy Birthday, Deb! What a neat celebration!

Feel good about your decision -- I'd do the exact same. Keep H on the list at 16; forget your brother's partner's kids. Her attitude smacks of trying to hold your brother for ransom in the form of an invitation for her brats. Un...cool. If they can't get someone to take care of their kids, I respect your brother for keeping his priorities with his immediate family, and hopefully he respects your wishes on your birthday to keep it adults-only.

A 16-year-old can still be a handful for parents with the car and dating situation, but most of them can interact socially with adults very well. Many can be quite interesting, to boot, and I wouldn't mind having a nice 16-year-old relative attend my birthday, either.

I hope you have a lovely birthday...including the trip that follows!

Yeah - I don't always like Carolyn Hax, but this one really hit home. I do not understand why people feel they have to include their children in everything. When I was growing up, my parents either got a babysitter to go out or they didn't go. We weren't dragged along to adult get-togethers, late night weddings, funerals/wakes/visitations, or business dinners. Today's parents feel they shouldn't be required to sacrifice anything when they have kids. My parents have often told me that they never knew how hard it would be to raise kids, but they did understand that having kids would involve sacrifice. They also said they believed in good manners - that it's absolutely rude and inconsiderate to force tired, whiny, difficult children on other people.

Somewhere along the way, people have somehow decided to believe that etiquette is no longer necessary. We went to see National Treasure II when it opened - there were no fewer than three babies at the movie...and at some point in time, each one of those babies got fussy, cried, and interrupted the movie. What were those moms thinking?! It annoyed me to no end - and I wasn't the only one hacked off about it. But goodness forbid that the rest of us enjoy our movie - after all, what those three mothers wanted was far more important than what the roughly 100 of us in the theater wanted.

I make decisions every day that involve etiquette and empathy and even some sacrifice. Why? Because I'm not the only person on the planet and it is required of me as a human being to consider other people before I do something. I think the parents who insist on dragging their kids everywhere are really just spoiled children themselves. Sorry - just had to vent.

I totally agree with you - Your nephew is related to you, and you have a relationship with him, M's children are no relation to you and they obviously don't behave, and babies do not belong at a beautiful and expensive restaurant. Why can't she get that? It's too bad she's using it to exert control over your brother...wouldn't it be nice if she were mature and sensible enough to tell your brother "You go...I'll stay at home with the kids." Or bite the bullet and get a sitter!

Cindy