BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids OMG this BABY THING!!!

I decided to give up alcohol as part of a two week detox program about 10 years ago - everyone knows I love a glass of wine or two - well, everyone was convinced I was pregnant. So, decline a glass of wine or beer and the rumours really start...
What a nightmare - the pressure so many of you face from family.
Boy, were we lucky!
I have experienced the feeling of people "ganging up" on me though - it's unpleasant, impertinent and incredibly rude.
When people make me feel that way, I tend to avoid them.
I know it's difficult with immediate family - but, if it's THAT bad and they refused to accept or respect my decision - I think I'd be forced to see less of them.
Why should you have to leave these functions feeling angry, defensive, upset, threatened, vulnerable?....Oh, yeah, can't wait for more of that!
We have always favoured mixing with people understanding/accepting or/and respectful of our CF stance.
I think it was easier for me because I was living a totally different lifestyle - my cousins married and started reproducing - I went to university and then started working, travelling, renovating old houses, teaching....so, I think my relatives put me in a separate category - they didn't know what to make of me - I was DIFFERENT in so many ways.
I think when the pressure is unrelenting, you tend to become defensive and sensitive - you feel anxious "going in" and on your guard - it then makes it difficult to react calmly - to stay in control - you tend to become emotional/upset/angry....
I think sometimes it's better to let people squirm - say very little, don't react and change the subject.
Some people feel they've won when they put you "on the spot" or make you squirm - no reaction = they tend to lose interest.
Sadly, it's a technique that came to me late in my 30s....it was sort of a trial and error thing.
I found though - too much information and people seem to think they're entitled to continually "enquire" and "discuss" and "include themselves" in your very private business.
Unacceptable....

My boyfriends sister is getting married and thankfully his parents are very much like mine... 'If you want to get married, go ahead.. otherwise, it's not our lives so we don't care'.

Strangely enough, I find it's strangers, more than family who seem incredibly interested in my breeding program.

Also, do any of you CF people get the feeling that by saying ' I don't want kids' ... parents get offended.. as if you're attacking *their* choice, even though you have said your decision in a very polite, non-critical way.

My sister went to a work Christmas party.. she's been with her boyfriend for about 3.5 years, they live together... will probably get married at some point but neither are overly bothered as they're happy as they are. Anyway, the wife of her boss was chatting to her about marriage and she said ' I won't be changing my surname' ... immediately she got ' Why? WHY NOT? what's wrong with taking your husbands surname? you won't be as comitted if you don't' ..... as if the woman thought ' I had to do it... so you do as well' , or even ' What's good enough for me, is good enough for you' - my sister didn't even say it in a nasty way!

Then it got onto kids... the wife had 3... my sister said ' Hahaha, no, even if we got married, I don't really want children' ... immediately she got the 'Oh, you'll change your mind' FROM A TOTAL STRANGER... to which my sister apparantly asked ' Why do you say that when 30% of women in the UK never have kids? do you know something the researchers and myself don't?' (I love my sister) The woman went on about how 'rewarding' it was... and my sister countered with how 'rewarding' it would be not to increase the probability of her partner cheating on her by breeding.

It went on for a bit.. and then another guy came over.. and started quizzing my sister, he asked ' What does your boyfriend think of this?' as though my sisters opinion would be changed if her boyfriend wanted kids.... she was like ' I don't know and don't really care as it's my womb so his opinion is irrelevant' (total BS, they've discussed it and they're both in agreement) .. this guy was apparantly SO disgusted... as if he couldn't believe there were women out there who didn't want to be bestowed the amazing gift of sperm.... seriously, my sister said he was a total prick.

Actually, that's also something I have experienced so this board is very refreshing as I've never read many men not wanting kids - all the men I have discussed not having children with really do see it as this total 'slight' on men as we don't want kids.. I've even had a couple say ' So why bother getting into a relationship then?' .. as if guys are only there to give us babies...

'Tis a crazy world we live in - Happy New Year to everyone :-D

sounds like some of those people are living in the stone age! hello it's the 21st century! i guess they just don't get that.i remember my friend's hubby telling me that before they got married(they're CF also) that his co-workers couldn't understand why they were getting married if they didn't want kids. he told them that they also wanted to make a deeper committment just like other people.

it's amazing to me how some people are so nosy and aparently have nothing better to do than worry about what other people are doing.i don't know i have better things to do with my time than worry about everyone else.

i don't spout to everyone about the joys of marriage even though i'm happily married. who wants to hear that. i'm not offended if someone doesn['t want to get married. that's their choice.i dont' know why some parents get all offensive when someone (gasp!) decides to make a different decision in their life and not following (as someone so elequently put it before) the herd.

indigo

The #1 decision point for me when I committed to my (now) wife 13 years ago was that she was child-free. Unlike other things (lazy/active, money attitudes, social status, etc) a child is permanent and can not be renegotiated after the fact. Needless to say, both myself and my wife are CF, and always have been, and always will be.

I married my wife coming up on 2 years ago now, because it felt like the right thing to do, to give us both completeness and as has been said, a "deeper commitment". It also stops the constant questioning "When are you going to get married" from co-workers and friends. In my case, after living with my wife for 10 years, yes, it was time for me to finally, truly settle down and be totally happy.

When I got married was the only time that I got bingo'ed by my co-workers as my intentions for children. Since it was the first time, and I was expecting it, I answered that it just wasn't in the cards for me in a calm manner, and that was it. Yes, everyone knew about my living arrangements before (I didn't publiclly pronounce it, but you know how things get passed around) but as per usual, "marriage = children" in the eyes of everyone.

Bingoing is a null point now, as I am 40 and she is 47. Her family understands and doesn't push the point (hasn't for many years). My family hasn't asked in many years either, once I convinced them of my intentions, and they state their acceptance. My own pressure from my parents was a result that I am the oldest and only brother to two sisters, so my family name (Brown) is not being passed on. My youngest sister married and has 3 kids so my parents have their grandkids. However, I still think that they wanted me to have children, because I was always the calm, smart thinker of the three children that my parents had. But I am not father material, just like I know my wife is not mother material. Thusly, we made sure we won't procreate, inadvertently

I advertise my CF status in a unique way: We got customized license plates for the main car/minivan. Apparently a lot of people have taken the good plates: NO KIDS, NOCHLD, etc. However, the CF people in the good commonwealth of Virginia left to me the license plate: ZRO KIDS. I've gotten some strange looks (mainly from teenagers), a few questions from twenty-something adults, as well as a few 'thumbs up' from older women who happen to walk by and see that. Other than that, I don't announce my status to anyone, as I tend to keep to myself and don't socialize much.

My wife works at home, so she doesn't have a bunch of co-workers, but she used to and she felt pestered by her co-workers and the horror stories of how their children were messing up those other peoples lives and choices -- even more reinforcement for our decision.

Overall, the tagline below says it all for us...

Ingilbert,

Sorry you had to put up with that. How strange (literally, abnormal) that you were surrounded by 8-person families. It's no wonder, with the pressure of the holidays (which are of course kid-centric) and with family time, and with those families being large, that you would be affected by it enough to cry afterward.

Dry your tears, Ing... *offers Kleenex* You're out of that environment now, back in the world you know and in which you're comfortable. It's NOT normal to have that many kids. You and your husband are happy with your lives, so just get comfy in your own skin again.

Sorry, hun, that you felt down and frustrated about it. I, too, had some baby downers over the holidays, which I'm sure I'll post about...

I rarely drink alcohol, and when I do, it's mostly in my own home. So, when we go out with people, if I don't order a drink I sometimes get "sly" looks, like, Oh, is there a REASON you're not drinking? I've had people even ask that, too.

My response? Used to be, "no, I don't really drink." Now I tend to go to the bar, order a drink, and drink it as fast as I can. Well, I've done that ONCE. I've been ignoring it for the most part lately. :-)

Lisa, I'm CF, not five years old. I think you missed the point that her belly button wouldn't have been visible if she had been wearing appropriate clothing. And being a little nauseous is NOT the same as "morning sickness."

*LMAO*
Yeah - feel ya there, Ing. I don't want to see any pregnant body parts, and even if the bellybutton was sticking out like a small [censored], there are really cute (slightly baggy) preggers clothes that hide that sort of thing. Wear appropriate clothes, mommas! I don't want to see anything, no matter how "natural" it is -- leaky udders, stretch marks, sweat -- oh [censored], now I'M the one feeling nauseous. Think I'm pregnant?

Has anyone seen this month's cover of Marie Claire magazine? It's got some celebrity (I haven't gotten close enough to find out who it is) with her bared pregnant belly, very distended. It's nauseating. The worst part is, they've airbrushed the entire thing, so it's all smooth and uniformly colored, with no bruising or stretchmarks that a REAL pregnant woman would have. I think it glamorizes pregnancy to young girls, giving them an unrealistic idea of how beautiful pregnancy can be. It's a good thing I don't have young kids, because I would flip out if they saw that at the grocery checkout! As it is, my husband who ACTS like a young kid delights in pointing it out to me and anyone else nearby, saying "Oh, look how NATURAL that is!" Um...no, it's not natural, because REAL pregnant women don't look like that! Watch Discovery Health sometime!

One of my coworkers who was pregnant showed us her belly once (like a car wreck, I had to look!) and it was scary how bruised and red and stretched she was! THAT'S what they should show to young girls, not the beautifully airbrushed mound!

Cindy

Hee hee. Actually, there probably are CF people with "outy" belly buttons as well Lisa!