BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Also married to a narcissist

I think I married a narcissist. I don�t even know where to begin. After doing a little bit of research it�s dawning on me that I have no control over this. Everything is fine in my marriage if he gets what he wants, i.e. sex, food, constant appraisal, no criticism from me . . . I could go on and on. A little background: He is a former college basketball player that everyone at his college loved � women, men, professors. He could get sex any time he wanted from various women. When we first got together I guess I was supposed to keep up the supply and demand of all the women he was with. I�m but one person and was like whoa buddy! He never forced himself on me but was upset with me b/c we weren�t intimate enough. I would say he had sex with about 4 different women a week while in college (yeah I know, what was I thinking). He made me feel rigid and cold at only being intimate 4 times a month, maybe 2. I suppose I could have been better.
Fast forward to present: If he does something to hurt me and I tell him about it, he gets very angry and volatile. When our daughter was 10 months old I found out he joined a dating service when my daughter was only a month old. He claims I did not adore him enough. There were hundreds of flirts to beautiful women. He said he was only looking for a penpal. I think a sex talk penpal. The last time it showed him on it he had given some woman his work email and phone number. I emailed her and asked her the nature of their relationships. She says she was going to come down and visit but then he told her he was married and wasn't looking to go there. He plays with fire. His mother thinks it's ok, because he stopped it from going any further. It shouldn't have even had the potential to go further cause that situation should not have even existed. Also, he said he couldn�t handle the 6 weeks where I was not supposed to be intimate and needed these women online to tell him how handsome he was b/c I wassn't. I was suffering from Post Partum Depression during all this. It was a big hormonal change for me after I had my daughter, and he was not there for me nor was he supportive. He was upset my attention was all on the new baby. I was exhausted and didn�t really know up from down half the time. Once I was able to take a nap and he woke me up to show me a cute outfit that he put on her. He was tired of watching her and wanted me to. I was so exhausted and hadn�t had a good nights sleep in weeks, but all he thought about was how he didn�t want to watch her any longer and used a cute new outfit to get me up.

When I was 8 months pregnant I found out about him flirting online. He got mad at me saying it was ok and I need to leave it alone.
Most recently: He had been in contact with his ex-girlfriend telling her how much he missed her. I found out and was furious. At first he was apologetic but as time has passed he feels he needed closure with her and that had nothing to do with me. His closure consisted of calling her everyone once in awhile and inviting her over to a family gathering that I was present at. I saw no closure. She never showed, but the mere invite was not necessary. I have forbidden him to talk with her and he resents me for that. I asked him not to talk to her once before and he went behind my back, told her that, and asked her to email him at a different account. I found out about that and he said he only wants to keep in touch with her as a friend and know how she and her daughter are doing and I am just overreacting. So I gave in and said I didn�t mind.
He says it�s my fault that he did what he did: Dating service, flirting w/women on myspace with inappropriate conversations. If I paid enough attention to him and praised him then he wouldn�t have to look elsewhere. His arguments always contradict each other. My head is spinning. His sister wrote me this 8 page letter telling me how I deserve him doing the dating service and if I was doing what I was supposed to be doing he never would have done that.
At his office Christmas party his drunken co-worker came up to me and said; �I know everything about your sex life�. And he stressed the word �everything�. He said the same thing at last year�s Christmas party but he was sober. Well this year I confronted my husband who became upset with me because I was mad at him for telling his co-worker our business. Does that make sense? He said his co-worker embellished and really doesn�t know anything, but I don�t believe that. He was also mad at his co-worker and mad at me saying he�s not taking me around them anymore because I overreact. He never accepted responsibility for telling his co-worker our business. That never came into play with him, and when I questioned him about it he became furious and started cursing then left the house.
What has made me just shut down is the most recent event. A few weeks ago I wrote him a heartfelt email telling him I want to move on and that I understand things in regards to his ex and I will let it go. I put things in that email that were only for him. I poured my heart out. Well he sent it to his mother with the subject line: � Angelina finally gets it.� When I confronted him on it I couldn�t even speak because I knew he would be upset somehow. (FYI: I was on his email for a legitimate reason and that was ok with him). I told him how much it hurt me that he would forward this email to her, knowing full well she would most likely send it to his sister. My private words being forwarded like a cheap joke. I told him that I felt so disrespected and that we have no privacy and everyone is in our marriage. He called me crazy saying I shouldn�t be hurt at something so petty.
I don�t even know if I�m getting the jest of our marriage out in this writing. I am so drained, exhausted, and confused about what I supposed to feel. Forgot to mention that he lies about everything. If he gets caught he says that I wouldn�t be able to handle the truth or he lied for my own good. He is the sneakiest man I have ever met, but at other times he can be so brazen where I�m like should I be mad? i.e. He was in touch with his very hot ex �friend� from college who is now married and living in Phoenix. He mentioned that if we were ever in Phoenix he wanted us to go by there. HUH? So he can lust after her secretly? Now if I had mentioned that we visit my ex in a neighboring city that we frequent he would freak out. He makes the rules up as we go along according to what he wants. He also has this porn addiction. He once said that he watched it before he met me and he�s going to continue to watch it after me. About a year later he said; I am the reason he watches it and he never watched it before he met me and if I was intimate with him enough he wouldn�t have to. WHAT! We went to a counselor once. He went first and loved it and begged me to go. I was reluctant. When I decided to go I really loved it and told him I was glad someone understood my point of view. Well, that sealed it for him. He didn�t want to go back and sent me this really nasty email.
I�m so confused. I want out but I don�t know how to leave. What will happen with our daughter, the house that she loves? Everyone adores him and thinks I am this stressful wife. I don�t know where to turn anymore. He is so arrogant and shows no empathy for my hurt that he causes.
Married to this man for 6 years. Have known him for 11 years, and we have a 2 year old daughter.

Thank you for reading my vent. Sorry I've writen a book. I think I should end here.


Angelina,

Angelina,

Your husband should be your friend as well as your lover. He should make you feel protected and loved and better about yourself. Your husband does none of those things.

Ask yourself why you stay. Is it financial? If so, make a plan to get out from under his thumb. If it's emotional, keep going to counselling until you're strong enough to leave. And you NEED to leave! This is not a happy life that you're choosing to live. By staying, because it's easier, that is what you are choosing. We all need to be responsible for our own happiness. When you allow someone to contaminate your happiness, it is up to you to rectify the situation.

Good luck. It won't be easy, but it will the best thing you've ever done for yourself.

Gosh i thought i was married to one of these as well. But he wasn't this bad from a long mile.......
He is displaying signs of cheating. I should know as i went through it myself. They get very defensive when you pull them up on anything. And they turn everything around so that it makes you look like the bad guy.
You two are clearly mismatched. In the long run it just won't work. No matter how hard you try.
Get a good lawyer as this man will play dirty. and convince everyone that you are a bad person. Stay with the counselling until you strong again. You deserve better than this!!

Hi Anastasia,

Thank you for your post. Today at lunch I just sat in my car hurt and feeling so alone. I'm scared to go home because with situations we have, time passes and he thinks about it and gets more arrogant and cocky and parades around like I am this petty wife creating drama.

I don't feel protected, and I don't like his kind of love, and a friend would not treat a person like this.

Hi Sunny,
Thank you for your post as well. I don't think he has cheated, but I do think he flirts with it and it's only a matter of time before I "cause him to do it."

Thank you again

Angelina,

If you are scared to go home, that's a REAL problem. Huge red flag.

Please contact your friends and family and see if you can stay with them. The holidays are a real volatile time. Domestic violence increases ten-fold.

Take care of yourself and stay safe.

Angelina,

Love yourself enough to leave him.

HELLO,
You should leave him. If you have family, go to stay with them. he is a very immature, selfish, self-centered child. I can assure you, not everyone thinks he is Mr. Wonderful. His mother & sister are just as sick as he is. He won't change & as another person mentioned, nothing you do will ever be good enough for him. I know that you want your child to have a nice home & other things. But I would rather have less than to deal with this terrible stress & drama every day & night.

He will have to pay child support. I'm sure he will give you a hard time. But you can't allow him or his family to bully you or blackmail you. If you don't have any family or friends to help you, there are places that you can go to. I would get a lawyer. He will always try to control you. It sounds to me that he wants to do what he wants to without any say so from you. He wants to be single. He is in love with himself. His family just pacifies what ever he does. Of course he is going to blame you, because he does not want to take a look at himself. He does not want to be responsible to you or himself.

You do need to love yourself enough to leave him. Otherwise you will have a lifetime of this garbage around you. He may even leave you for 1 of his "hot ladies". He has no respect for you or other women. He is a insecure, whining child. Don't waste any more time with him. If you do, it will keep getting worse. But it is up to you to decide. Noone should go through this. But you do have other choices. You don't have to stay in this situation. It makes me sad to hear that this is going on with some people. Well, I hope that you do decide to leave this child. He is not a man. He never grew up. Let him live with his mommy & sister, since they think he is so great. Happy Holidays to everyone.
Judy K. Chicago.

Thank you everyone for your posts. I am getting things ready. I do have family here, I am just not ready at this time. Oprah once said you have to pick a day and be ready on that day. I can't tell him my plans I just have to prepare financially and mentally so that when I go I don't look back. He thinks things are fine and that's what I want him to think. I need to calm my head and plan things rather than haphazardly fumble away. I want to do it right. Mentally I am already gone. I have become indifferent which is a good place for me. My mom once told me you can't control what other people do but you can control how you react. If he wants to flirt with whoever - then so be it. I can't control that. He is but one person in this whole universe. His opinion doesn't matter to me anymore.Who knows, he may up an leave before I get my things together, cause we aren't intimate anymore. Won't let him touch me. I'm in a better place, just need to get things in order.

I know how you feel. I am kind of in the same boat. I am married two years now and we have a baby. We dated for 10 years. I am now at home with the baby. I run a day care from home but its slow at times, competition and all. I used to work full-time and go to school part-time before we got married. Now according to him I need to pull my weight. I guess slaving over our home and attending to him hand and foot doesn't count. I get up every mornin and pack his lunch and make his breakfast. As far as I understand not too many women do this especially being that I don't have to get up. He also has managed to have my two sons from aprevious marriage move out. He recently told me I haven't accomplished anything, I need to pull my weight, etc. His mom and I don't get along and he blames me always. I try to be nice to her but she always has something negative to say ">>>>> you used to have such a nice figure". I ignored her. So I don't see how I am the mean one here. She makes a mess every time she comes here. She doens' help out with theholiday cooking. I am at a loss. Now I am crazy and making things up because he says he is not having an afair when all the signals and flags are going up as far as I am concerned. SoI am abusing him by accusinghim of the affair? help! He refuses to go to counseling with me. Iam so alone, no friends or family to really talk to. I can't drive his car and I don't have one of my own yet.No cash cause he controls that too. the little money I make with the day care he takes. I am so lost