BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Please Make the Bingoing Stop!

We had a big family Christmas party with DH's family on Saturday.

Everything was going well until BIL's girlfriend comes in and says as she grins from ear to ear "I love your new haircut; you got a mommy-do! Are you still practicing or is there a bun in that oven that we need to know about?" First off, I think that my new haircut is quite stylish and definately NOT a mommy-do. (How many mommies have enough time to wash, blowdry, and straighten their hair daily?) I smiled and told her "Thanks, I really like my new haircut and there is definately nothing in my oven." She says "At least not yet!" Grrr.... This coming from a woman who has had 3 abortions and 2 children in the past 6 years. The most recent one was my nephew who was born in September.

Then, later in the evening, DH's aunt says "Isn't it about time for you two to have one?" as she was looking at my nephew. I smiled and politely told her "I don't think so". She persisted with "Someday you two will have some". Again, I said, "No we won't." This continued on for a while. She just didn't get the point.

Finally, DH's cousin (who is 29 and has 4 children, ages 10, 8, 5, and 3) says "Aren't you about ready to pop two or three out?" while he is holding his infant nephew. I said "No, I don't think so." He just gave me the look that says "Sure you won't...".

I hate getting together with DH's family because of this. I begin preparing myself a week in advance for all of the bingoing. Even when I say "No" in a stern, but polite, manner, they just don't get it. There are other childfree couples in his family, but they are all in their late 40s or older. Most, I would say about 97%, of the family members who are out of high school, have kids. This, of course, does not help my argument.

Sorry to hear about your "experience." If she "doesn't get it," let her think that you will have a kid. Like when she said, "Someday you two will have some," just smile and nod. SOMEDAY she might realize that you're just not interested, but don't try to instill that understanding into her now since she is not catching on. It'll just make your life easier.

People who don't want to become parents and mostly women who don't want to become a mother are looked upon as not normal and must have some sort of weird dislike towards children in general. This is what I believe how "society" tends to believe. When parents are confronted with someone who is not wanting children of their own they tend to not understand nor are they willing to accept that decision. The person(s) in question actually must not know what it means to become a parent. They then believe that you will learn and outgrow your current decision and have some kids later.

When you say you don't want kids, is like saying... "I am an alien" and they laugh and go on their merry way knowing you don't know what you are talking about & that they know better. It is just not conceivable to them that one would not want to be a parent. Unfortunately for you, you are stuck with a family unwilling to listen and accept your decision.

You have several ways to dealing with this
1-wear a tee shirt that says, " no kids in our future due to not wanting any, yes I know what it means to be a parent, please stop bugging me about it "
2-Ask them why they wanted kids... tell them to give details... then explain why you don't want any.
3-"No" actually to them it will seem that you are just not ready yet. Do they actually understand it is a life decision that you both made?
4-Write letters to each of them letting them know what it means to you not to have kids, what their questions make you feel like, and in general to lay off the remarks and respect your decision.

Your husband needs to be more supportive and therefore talk to them and let them know. Maybe his Mom could help?

[color:#000099]Good luck and if all else fails... get a baby doll, carry it and say that you have your baby now! That might shock them into leaving the subject alone! [/color]

i can't even imagine what you were going through! at least you can be proud of yourself for making it through what must have been a very stressful day! some people really don't get it and i agree that sometimes to just let people think a certain thing is okay and eventually hopefully when you don't have kids they'll finally get it!

indigo

Poor Amber! How annoying. I'm glad that you got through it okay.

It is unfortunate that the family is unwilling to accept our decision. But, one of DH's cool uncles sarcastically asked us one day, when we were talking about a new baby in the family, "Don't you two want a bunch?" I looked him dead in the eye and said "No way!" He had never asked us such a question before and I really think he was just feeling us out to see if we would be the next young couple to get the baby rabies. He and his wife are supportive of our decision. I expected that they would be since they are CF as well.

I usually just let people think what they want after I tell them that we won't be having children; especially if they keep pushing the issue. If they want to live in a fantasy world, thinking that DH and I will be breeding, that's fine with me.

It gets really tiring though because the same people hassle us about children all the time. Someday when we are 40 and still don't have children, they will realize in time that I say what I mean.

PS- I did think of getting a t-shirt made that says "My uterus out of order" or one that has a photo of a stove on it with a little "out of order" sign hanging on the oven door. hehehe

Hi Chattycat,
You must really look forward to catching up with your husband's family!
I've never really been in that situation - we were lucky to be part of CF families. (in the main)
I found when people hassled me about kids, giving them definitive answers only made the matter worse.
It almost becomes a battleground - whether they end up being right and victorious or you stand your ground.
I hated being patronized - the "you don't fool me"...."we'll wait and see"....
So, in my mid 30s, my approach changed...
Instead of providing an answer, I became quite good at changing the topic or giving them very little...and even though the nosiness and rudeness annoyed me - it didn't leave me feeling vulnerable and upset.
How does your husband feel about his family and their behaviour?
My DH wasn't much help - he couldn't care less what people think so wasn't as sensitive to the questions. He handled THE enquiries so quickly and well - I think he should take workshops.
If things don't improve - sadly, I'd probably choose to see less of them. You could attend but make an excuse and leave early - or spend more time with the open minded members of the family.
At the moment, what are you getting out of these occasions?

We are older and don't have kids. Our decision. Instead of hearing about "when", we hear "why" or apologies. Other people are sorry that we didn't have children.

You don't have to apologize to me that I don't have children. We are fine with it. I won't even make excuses. We didn't want to have them.

Then the fun part comes in when people find out I write for children. Oh, that's an even better conversation!

Happy Holidays to you all!
Hugs, Chel

I told my aunt, who is in her 70s, and her sister and her 3 kids and all there litters, who Assume that my aunt is not a real woman because she never had kids, this:

First off If we are not REAL women because we dont have kids then what does that make us MEN? then that means that we are better then you because we can have great jobs that pay real money, we dont have to clean house and our oppenions count in church because we have a real voice and because we can decuse real topics other than baby poo and soar nipples and painful hemroids!
Secoundly, God has called us to a higher calling in life! We are the ones that your kids come to when you Screw up! we are the ones that pick up after you so we are more woman then the baby machines that you have made yourselves into!!!

Now just to recap or dumb this down for you baby babling brians We have the Respect of men, we are intelagent, merciful, loving and compassionate women and one day you will grow up and wish that you were more like us! Kids or No kids it doesnt change the fact that you have no mind will or love with in you. you just follow a social-religous path because you cant think of any other way and you are jelous because we can think for our selfs!
Is that dumb down enough for you to understand?

a few days ago, my aunt said that she may move back into her old house, and she said that her sisters kids and there daughters had appologised for the way they had made her feel and me as well. her sister is to proud to say shes sorry but she has not made a catty remark sense my aunt said that she was coming back here.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I am so happy!!!

This is a great suggestion! I usually try and delve a little deeper with people, and I really like this approach. Thanks!!

Sorry to Amber that you got hassled so much. I got some doozies this holiday too...just haven't had a chance to post the stories. Also, I'm going to visit most of my family in Jan., so have all that to look forward to...oh boy.