BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie, 34 and childless

Hi all. I am so glad I found this site. I feel not so strange now to not want children. I would like to share a story that happened to me just yesterday. I had to go to my gynecologist yesterday for my yearly pap. She knocked on my door and came in and very bluntly asked me "Do you still not want any children?" I said no, not right now. She said well, you are going to be 35 next week and I just thought as your doctor I should let you know of the risks involved if you continue to wait. I said to her I am fully aware of the risks involved for older mothers but that it wasn't like I am 50. Then she said to me, "Why do you not want children?" "They enrich your life so much". She tried to talk me out of a new prescription of birth control pills and told me to just go off the pill and see what happens. Can you believe this? I am not using her anymore. I told her that she was my gynecologist and that I deserved just as much care and consideration as her pregnant patients. I am so upset about this. Why is it that other women hate it when another woman doesn't have children? Me and my husband have only been married for 6 months and he had a daughter from a previous marriage that was killed in a car accident when she was 16. He has been through hell with losing her and he told me that he wouldn't deny me a child if that is what I wanted but I do not want any. I see my sister with her daughter and it is a constant struggle everyday with worrying and planning and my sister never has a break from it. I love my niece but I do not want children for myself. Sorry for the long rant but I feel like I have hit a jackpot by discovering that other people feel the same way as I do. I enjoy my freedom and being able to just pick up and go whenever I want to.

Hi jdcapps

Welcome to this forum. I know what you mean about hitting the jackpot - this forum has been a lifesaver for me.

Your story is appalling. It's one of the reasons that I never went for counselling at the fertility clinic with my husband. We thought we might go to the clinic to find out what was or wasn't necessary/ possible to have kids IF we decided to go ahead. But I was so scared of them giving me a lecture about having left it so late, that I put off making the appointment. Then I found this site and I didn't need to go to the counselling - I got the information and feedback I needed here.



I don't know. I think maybe they can't understand that someone might not want children and in your case, your gynecologist might have felt it would be irresponsible for her not to warn you.That doesn't excuse her question about why you didn't want children though. Also, some women may feel threatened by someone who isn't going to have to go through the gruelling elements of bringing up children.



This is what makes me really angry. There are not black and white situations in life - there are many shades of grey. Everyone is on a different life journey. With your husband having been through such trauma and loss, you have every right to choose not to have children. In my life, I went through a lot of pain, turmoil and uprooting from two major relationship break-ups - both where I was abandoned by my partner. It has been a big effort to get to the point in life in my early 40s where I have a stable loving relationship and home and can finally catch my breath. It is enough for me that I have this, and upsetting the apple cart by having children is not appealing to me. We each have our own personal scenarios in life and for anyone - particularly a medical professional - to make a blanket statement that children enrich your life is beyond arrogant.

I am absolutely horrified, by the way, that she suggested you go off the pill. This woman should be reported.

You will find much nurturing and reassurance - as well as inspiration for your life choice - on this forum.

Hey JD, and welcome.

What a crock of krap. I cannot believe that woman. Where in the eff does she get off "advising" patients on getting pregnant?

I would have said something for pure shock value like, "Look...I'd sooner come to you for an abortion referral than counseling on the horrors of breeding."

Welcome JD! That is completely bizarre that your gyno would act that way toward you. I think shopping for a new one is definitely in order. My gyno asks me the kids questions each year but mostly to make sure that if I've changed my mind, he can get me on the right vitamins, etc.

I would be tempted to report that doctor as well, not to get her in huge trouble but so that if this is something she does to patients routinely, the office will perhaps see the red flag and sit her down for a reminder of her job description.

Hi JD. I had to log in immediately to respond to your post. Your gyn is a creep! They are there to check your reproductive gear, and to make sure you are healthy. That's it. I can't believe she inserted so many value judgements and encouraged you to "see what happens." Easy for her to say. What would "happen" is that you would end up pregnant with a child you are at best ambivalent about.

And it wasn't like she said one thing, it sounds like she pressed on and asked several questions. I've known I did not want kids since I was young, and I would be so [censored] if someone that barely knows me, and the incredible amount of thought I've put into NOT reproducing, harassed me in this way. I don't care what the bible or anyone else says - kids are overrated, and a [censored] shoot. Most of the people I know don't like their parents, or are disappointed by their kids. I prefer to choose the people I spend time with, instead of giving birth to them.

I hope you will find this board supportive, as I have. It really is a safe haven to say those things you just can't say in the outside, pronatalist society.

With all of that said, the one thing she got right is that 35 is the turning point. This is my understanding as well (I am 36.) I think a lot of gyns let their brains fall out and don't advise enough on the dangers of later pregnancies.

My gyn was weird with me once, too, but I like her overall. I discussed my concerns about not getting pregnant, and said I want to be sure it never happens. And she was like, "don't worry about it, you can always do something about it." Um, no, I would rather be diligent and prevent a pregnancy than have an abortion. I'm sure there is a time and place for them, and don't judge women that have had them, but why on earth would I put myself through that if I don't have to?

It is normal and correct for your doctor/gyno to ask you questions about your reproductive history or future plans. Your reproductive history will lend clues about your current or future health and questions about your future reproductive plans will help your doctor assist you with proper nutrition, planning and removing you from certain drugs that are not meant to be taken during pre-conception and/or pregnancy. It is also a doctor's duty to let you know the realities of fertility and age as you approach those milestones. Many women reach a certain age, prepare to have them, encounter difficulties and say "Why did no one tell me ____ ??"

However, it is NOT normal, nor is it professional, for your doctor to comment on decisions that you and your mate have made regarding having or not having children. It is also NOT professional for your doctor to tell you about the joys of children. She may find children to be a joy, while others consider them a nightmare. It is a personal, very personal, decision. It is "normal" for her to advise you of age-related risks and even to ask you about your decision. Meaning, for example, are you not having children because you are in an abusive relationship but if you were in a "good" relationship you'd feel differently or are you not having them because you and your husband do not want to be parents due to a variety of good reasons? These are very different scenarios and lead a woman/couple to reach a decision in different ways. Telling you to stop taking birth control pills and to basically, try giving it a whirl and "see what happens" on the kid-front is not the doctor's duty. That was over the line. Would she tell a woman who was ready to go OFF birth control pills and start a family to wait and just take another pack of pills just to be sure? Of course not, and your doctor should not pressure you, a woman choosing a different path, either.

Welcome jdcapps!

I had a similar, but not quite so pushy, doctor experience that affected me a lot. I probably asked for it, because I've been a fencesitter and felt like I had no one to talk to about it (besides people who would tell me to just "go for it") until finding this forum.

I'm really fond of my doctor, so was honest with her about how unsure I was about having kids, at my appointments with her when I was in my late 20's-early 30's. She did warn me about waiting, telling me as I approached 32 that after that it would be all downhill as far as fertility and risks.

But, she also strongly encouraged me to have kids, telling me how great it was for her, and how her husband was unsure but now so glad they did it. They had them when she was in her late 30's, and her husband was older and had health problems (like me and my husband), AND they had twins. But, because she's a doctor they can afford it (she told me that). Finances were a concern to me, but she didn't really dwell on that.

She just told me that we "seemed like good people" so we should go ahead and do it. She didn't say anything that out of line to me, like yours did, but she was strongly in favor of us doing it. She kind of poo-pooed most of our concerns for why we were hesitant, and said we could make it work if we really wanted it.

I didn't really go into more explanations with her, like financial, trying to make it as artists and thinking at least one of us would have to change careers if we had a kid, so it wasn't the most in-depth conversation. But, her encouragement really affected me because I look up to her so much, and it's a big part of why I started trying to talk my husband into doing it for awhile (now not).

I haven't been back to her since I've given up on the idea, but it's time for a pap (ug) so will have to soon. I'm actually dreading the appt. partially because of this issue...last thing she heard from me she was giving me a referral to a fertility clinic, so that's embarrassing!

I hope hearing our stories and talking about it with us helps you as much as it's helped me.