BellaOnline Forums Family Moms I'm new here, some advice would be helpful

Hello all, I'm 27 yrs old and until I logged in to this forum and read some of the posts, I was sure I was the only one who feels this way...Thank you all for being brave enough to post your feelings about motherhood.

I have a 4 yr old child. I love her, but I find myself wanting to rip my hair out almost every day. I find I have to completely involve myself in my work, just to keep my sanity. I never really wanted children or to be married, but somehow I ended with both. I'm not sure why I made the decision I did at that time, but I've come to realize that it was the wrong one for me.

The problem is now that I can't get past the guilt of wanting to leave so I can't bring myself to actually do it. I seem to better with my daughter the more time I am away from her. If I spend only a little time with her every day, I don't get as frustrated. The worst part about it is that when I do get frustrated, my husband flips out on me and makes sure to make me feel guilty about being frustrated. He says "she's "your" child and you have no right to feel the way you do. He's definitely not a good listener....

I try to explain to him why I feel the way I do, but that never works since I'm not sure why I don't enjoy being a mom like mostly everyone else does...

It just seems to be constant running around. She wants to do the same thing over and over again. That drives me crazy. She doesn't listen to anything I say. I hate yelling at her. I never yelled before having a child. I hate disciplining her. Life would be so much easier if she would just listen.
I rarely get enough sleep and when I do sleep, I wake up feeling just as tired as I was when I went to bed. I feel like I'm not making the right decisions for her. I don't enjoy playing with her, or even having "family time" for that matter. Believe it or not, I actually do love all the other aspects of my life. I just don't understand why I can't find enjoyment in being a mom?

Sometimes I think I'm just being selfish. Maybe I am. I don't know. My husband seems to think so and wants to hear nothing about how I feel.

If anyone has any advice, please let me know. I need some help here.

I really think you should have a word with your Doctor.
Without meaning to be patronising, you might be suffering from depression (almost certainly) and it could Post-Natal (it can strike many years after the event, and if left unattended, can develop into something quite serious).
Whilst I do know how debilitating looking after a young child can be - as can all mothers - the fact that your husband is not as supportive as you would need him to be (and I'm not apportioning blame - he simply may feel helpless and doesn't know what to do)is also contributing to your despair, and making things worse. But try not to blame him. It's easy to do, but he loves you, and can't understnad what's going on.
(Ask him to watch your little girl for a week, entirely on his own, and see how he copes....!)
It goers without saying that your 'state of Mind' is caught in a vicious circle, and that your relationship with your daughter is suffering... Guilt is a terrible thing to have to cope with. And it's a spiral of desperate hollow loneliness.

Please, please get help. Seriously, ask your Doctor for support.
I think you need it, and quickly.
Good Luck, and bless you for having the courage to come in and talk to us.

I have spoken with my doctor about this and she said because I don't have any of the regular symptoms of depression, she doesn't think it could be that...the thing is... I'm on an anti-depressant for the treatment of a migraine disorder. I'm pretty sure the high dose I'm on would've knocked it out by now or at least alleviated the majority of the symptoms by now. I've been taking it for about a year now. I'm sure the migraine disorder doesn't help with my stress level.

Please, don't get me wrong, I Love my daughter very much. I just can't seem to get it all figured out I guess....

Thanks for the advice but I already tried that..

In my amateur and distant opinion, I think your Doctor is incorrect to be 'dismissive' of your condition. And the fact that you are already on medication for Migraines, leads me to believe that you either need to re-address your medication, or review your well-being.... It must be affecting things.
I have no doubt at all that you love your daughter with all your heart, mind and soul. But your post carries some resentment, and your relationship with her is obviously affected by this.
I really would persist, and even consider getting a second opinion.
A good friend of mine has recently been confirmed as having a Bi-Polar condition. After 17 years of mis-diagnoisis and incorrect prescriptive drugs.
I'm not suggesting this is the situation here. I'm just illustrating that the opinion of one doctor may not carry the day....

I really do wish you every success and consolation. Be determined, and look after yourself as well as you can. Be selfish, if needs be. If you don't make you better, then who will? And if you suffer collapse, who will look after your daughter as well as you do?
It's important to persist and make sure that others see you mean business.
You are definitely worth every good thing you can do for yourself, and more.

Resentment would be a correct assessment. However, I don't resent my daughter, I resent the decision I made to have her because I feel she deserves better than what I can give her.

I lost my freedom when I chose to get married and have a child. I had to sacrifice my dreams of finishing school and having the career I wanted. Maybe I am depressed. But, if that is the case it's only in regards to the decisions I've made for my life. Having a family was not part of who I wanted to be and now I have to live with that choice every day.

I pretty much just feel stuck in a rut. My family life is the only aspect of my life that I don't like very much. Many aspects of it frustrate me and the doc says I'm stressed out because of that reason not depressed.

Again, thank you for reading and trying to help.
I appreciate it.
Blessings to you...

Gosh you poor darling...This cannot be easy for you....
Do you also have resentment toward your husband? Did you feel co-erced into this by him or family (his and/or yours)?
I understand your frustration, because I had a 7 years gap between my eldest and youngest, and both my husband and I felt held back by the arrival of the second baby. We had to put so much on a back-burner due to her arrival.
The consolation isn't much at this moment, but as she gets older, you'll enjoy more freedom, because school and other friends will come onto the scene. You might then be able to devote some time to studying and catching up with what you wanted to do previously.
I am 50, and have just embarked on a new career by taking some adult courses, and enhancing my education. It's never too late, and older people with experience of Life are somewaht respected, because they have something to show for their years....
I know things seem [censored] at the moment, really I do.
The only thing I can advise is Patience, perseverance and communication.
Talk to your husband, even if it's through a friendly third party. Try to find a way to make him understand how hard this all is for you. You need support, and his, especially. I don't mean to sound disparaging, but I really don't think men understand sometimes, how hard bringing up a young child is.
talk to your family, too. let them know life is not all a bed of roses.
families once supplied love, support and companionship. Family Life used to be the backbone of society.
We need to try to bring this back again.

Good luck.

stepping in as the token cf here...
If you are on an antidepressant that could be the reason you don't have other "normal symptoms".
I would try counseling first before trying meds though...

I think that some counseling would do you and your husband some good. to raise a child it takes team work. all the great parents that i know work together and raise their kid(s) not just mom raiseing her kid(s)!!!

Also sense you have a child you can get finacial aide and day care help with bills and grants you name it its out there maybe if you didnt feel like you gave up your life and kinda your dream and Idenity as well you would feel better about your choices....

All the goverment sytems are set up to help you and your child!!! Work the sytem in your favor!

I know people are going to hate me for the things I'm about to post, but I tend to be fairly honest with people about my point of view.

TiredMom, I can pretty much guarantee you that you're not the only person in the world that feels that way about their children. Granted, I have no children myself, so I'm working from a bit of a deficit, but one of the reasons I don't actually have kids yet is because I'm afraid of that very feeling you're experiencing right now.

Though we as women may have been biologically programmed to be mothers/caregivers at one point in history, the modern world has made us crave a sense of meaning and purpose from our lives that our ancestors did not need. Some women are able to find all the meaning they need in raising children. Others are not so lucky, and thus there is a growing legion of women who are stuck trying to find their purpose in life while caring for the family and probably working at least part time.

Being that I don't think children are the be all-end all of my personal existence, I think I can understand where you're coming from. And it certainly doesn't help that your husband doesn't seem to understand the situation. I would venture to say he's stressed and feeling guilty, too.

My advice would be to find something you truly get satisfaction in doing, and do it. And maybe try to incorporate your daughter into it. Odds are she's picking up your current resentment and frustration toward her, and using it to push your buttons. Try to blow it off, deal with her in a positive tone (wow, do I sound lame!) and hopefully things will flow from there.

If not, she's almost to school age and you'll have a good portion of the day free. =)

As all of us "non professionals" read your post, I think we can all safely say that we feel empathy for you and wish the best whatever happens. I just wanted to bring up a contradiction in the depression theory. You say you feel happy and fulfilled with other areas of your life, just the motherhood part frustrate you. I'm not sure that falls under depression. (Again, not a professional here... Just an observation...)

But of course, the fact that you are already on meds can have an affect on your mental health. Maybe a change of meds would work wonders, you never know. A new doctor can't hurt. And since you sound so sure of the area of discontent, why not try some couseling to work it out in your mind.

I, too, remember being tired, discontent with my spouse and his participation in child rearing, and my feelings of aloneness during this time. I did try therapy. I went to three sessions, talked it out with someone, and had a new outlook on things. Things didn't change for me, but the therapy helped. Obviously, there are choices out there for you. You just have to decide which choices you want to try and follow through with them.

I'm so glad that you have reached out (by writing) and are talking it out. Good luck and keep writing!

I agree with Carol, I went through depression when my children were very young, and meds alone didn't help. Usually, a doctor will prescribe meds and therapy.

If your doctor is not taking you seriously, please find a new one. Not all doctors can treat all patients, and a doctor who just blows you off is not the right choice.

As for being a mother, it is the hardest job in the world. Does your daughter go to pre-school? Other than work, do you get any time to yourself, maybe just to take a walk, or do something you enjoy? I think these thing may help you.

You said your daughter likes to the same things over and over, that is how children learn, from repetition. When you said she doesn't listen to you, do you mean all the time, or just when she really wants to do something?


As for your husband, if he is not now supportive of you or helping you, that may never change. Some men think of their role in old fashioned ways which is to bring home the bacon, and the wife does everything else, but he doesn't have the right to criticize you unless you are being abusive. (not saying that you are)

I hope you do keep posting here and let us know how you are doing. My kids are teens, and I know you don't realize it now, but children grow up in the blink of an eye. Try to enjoy your daughter while she is young and innocent.