BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Dad's finally starting in on me

I'm no different to the rest of you. My father used to drop elephant sized hints when I was in my 30's, and I wasn't even in a steady relationship at the time!!

I remember talking about exactly this point with my mother a couple of months ago. I said "Dad would have loved me to have kids" and she was totally dismissive. Her take was "of course he would - so you get all the donkey work and he gets all the fun!" I actually remember my Dad as a pretty good father, but her take was that she did 90% of the grunt work, and lucky for me that I enjoyed hanging out at the horse races when I was a kid, because he'd have been there with or without me!!

It's kind of interesting that so many of us had marginally interested or hands off fathers - and yet these same fathers are the ones pushing for grandkids. What gives with that? Is it just some sort of reflection on their social position? Or maybe in their deluded minds, they figure that they did such a great job they deserve another shot? I don't get it.

Thanks everyone for all the great advice. Just to address a couple of points that were brought up - so far my Dad isn't actually throwing guilt directly at me. I just know from what Mom said that he was hoping for a different answer. I don't blame him for that, and I'd be remiss to expect him to disguise those feelings altogether.

I'm not sure if my Dad was more involved or less involved in raising me than the average Dad. He didn't work long hours, only went out bowling once a week, and seemed to share equally in the area of discipline (granted, a I was a LOT more afraid of a Dad-spanking than a Mom-spanking!).

I think the thing that I'm letting get to me is that I wonder if all this time, Dad has assumed that we'd have kids once my business really took off, and that we were waiting for that to happen first. The business is doing well now, so he may be noticing that there's still no kids in the picture, plus most of my friends are pretty much done reproducing.

I agree with whoever said earlier in this thread that perhaps I should sit down and talk to him (them) about why he (they) want grandchildren. I'm sure Mom wants them too but she seems to get that if I don't want them, they aren't going to fall out of the sky. This will probably be awkward, not only because of the subject matter, but also because we don't often "open up" about our feelings.

I should also mention that the picture I use isn't my dog. It's just a pic that was sent with a bunch of other dog costume pics and I thought it was cute. I should use one of my own dogs though! :-)

Hello Bifumus and everyone

I'm sorry I have been out of contact (especially when you were all SOOOO nice about my friend's cat story) but it's that whole new job thing - coping with the adjustment. It's now Saturday and DH and I are enjoying lovely CF time to potter and catch up.

Bifumus, I understand that sense of not wanting to disappoint parents who we love. Even though I am an independent, logical thinker, I STILL have had pangs of guilt at various times in my life about how maybe I haven't turned out quite as my parents hoped. They haven't put that on me - I have.

My parents have never ever hassled me to have children but I have too recently felt a little of that guilt. Recently a couple of things happened. One was my father saying "why don't you adopt a child" (can't remember what context; I just muttered back "well it'snot that easy"). The thing is, my Dad is renowned for sometimes just saying things without thinking and that really don't have a lot of depth behind them, but I did get a sense he was having some concern (for me, not him) that I might be a bit sad about not being a mother, so that made ME feel a bit sad on his behalf. And just a couple of months ago, my mother was telling me about my older cousin and his wife (in their early 60s) and how they had all the 8 grandchildren at their house the other day and she said "that must have been so nice; all the children running around together". (Background: my sisters have provided my parents with 3 grandchildren, all now between 17 and 23 in age, and all of whom my parents played a big role in raising).

I said back to my Mum "would you like to have 8 little grandchildren yourself running round?" She said "not all at once, no, but it would be nice to have a little baby to hold again".

Now, I know my Mum - she is an incredible reasonable person and she was saying this lightheartedly - there would be no intention to have been aiming this comment at me. But it got me, so that's how I understand how you feel. I felt weird for the rest of the day, feeling sort of bad that I wasn't able to give that to my Mum. I also started to feel a little bit sad that if I'd had children earlier in life I would have shared that bond with my parents where they were part of my kids' lives. I'll be honest; I feel a little pang about that, but it's the way it is, and I can't compensate for that by having kids now, aged 42.

I got through that feeling about my Mum by just focussing on the point someone made above that you can't do things to please other people, and I am sure my mother would not want me to have a baby just so she can hold it occasionally. And they sure are not in a position to help me raise my child (in their 70s and my Dad in not such good health).

I think the group have given you some great advice which I wholeheartedly support.

Feebee

Although my parents know where I stand and don't pressure me, I occasionally feel bad knowing they would very much enjoy a grandchild. Something that helps me is thinking about things I've really wanted out of life that didn't work out. Although we can't all have every little thing we want, we hopefully accept that and work with what we already have or could possibly attain.

The other point about having kids for your parents.
My nephew was 3 years old when my father died...he didn't get the opportunity to watch him grow up and was only a part of his life for a short time.
Also, my PA is a single Mum - she is an only child and her mother (father deceased) put lots of pressure on her to have a child.
When her son was 5 months old her husband decided that fatherhood was not for him and left - a few months later her mother fell in love and moved interstate - she has been travelling with her new husband and only sees her grandson once or twice a year.
So much for wanting a grandchild.
So, you never know what is around the corner and how things will turn out.
If you do things to keep other people happy - you often end up feeling cheated.