BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Dad's finally starting in on me

I'll be 38 next month, and I'm the only child from my parents' marriage (my Dad has a son 9 years older than me from his first marriage).

So I'm at the parents' house for Turkey Day last month, when Dad gets up the guts to ask me if DH and I are planning to have kids. I told him the truth, that I really doubt that we will. He was visibly disappointed, which cuts me to the core because I hate feeling like I've let him down. He acted like it wasn't a big deal though.

I talked to my Mom a few days later (Mom, who has known much longer that we feel this way), and when I brought up Dad's mild disappointment, she said that he had been talking about it and was actually quite let down. Great, that helps... if this was such a big deal to Dad, why on Earth did he wait until I was closing in on 40 before asking me about it?

Oh, did I mention that my brother has a son? My nephew, Dad's grandson, will be 10 in February, and is a sharp, inquisitive, wonderful boy who lives halfway across the country from all of us. Dad and my brother have an odd, distant relationship which perhaps stems from us only having him for about a week each year growing up.

I guess I'd like to hear anyone's thoughts on how to deal with this. I have no intention of being bullied into having a child, but I hate the guilt I'm feeling for depriving my Dad of a grandchild or three. Dad had a triple bypass earlier this year and gets stressed out when traveling, which is probably why he hasn't been to BFE to visit Grandson in quite a while. Brother hasn't been to our neck of the woods since my wedding in 2000.

Arrrgggghhhhh.....

Bifumus,

You'll find a lot of great posts in here about how to handle guilt from parents.

My mom is 67 (with 5 stents in her heart vessels) and Dad is 72. I'm 36. Prior to my second divorce 2 years ago, Mom was the captain of Guilt Trip Cruise Lines. She'd tell me about every baby that came through her store, how cute they were, and how much she was looking forward to my having a baby. I wasn't decidedly CF at that point, but I still wasn't having any huge maternal instincts kicking in, so I wasn't in any rush. I was in grad school, and we had just bought a house, and we enjoyed our lives taking care of my ex-husband's daughter. Her pre-teen and early teen years I'm sure played a part in hitting my body clock's snooze button...they were trying times, even when there was no homework, social or growth issues. Even though I was involved with her extra-curriculars, I still seethed sometimes when I had to play taxi driver for her.

Anyway, I digress. After the narrow escape from that abusive marriage, Mom changed her tune 180 degrees. She now bolsters my CF decision, saying she's convinced it was a good thing I never had kids. I did a fine job during my step-parent years, but she sees how much I enjoy my active life, rarely having time for them OR my cat. I got lucky.

My advice? Sit down with your dad (and mom if you think it's warranted) and ask questions. Ask why he's disappointed. Ask them if they see that you're happy with your life. Ask if they know you're feeling guilt, and is that how they want to continue their relationship with you -- knowing they're making you uncomfortable. Then have your list of top 10 logical reasons for not wanting kids.

Remember they came from a different era, when it was far more expected to have not just one kid but several. But I think if you face the situation and ask for respect in your decision, you just might make some headway.

Sorry to hear that your dad is giving you the guilt trip. Maybe if you sit him down and have a talk with him it will help. But I am glad to hear that you will not let his disappointment pressure you into having a child.

My mom has always said "If I have grandchildren" not "WHEN I have grandchildren". She knows how I feel about people asking prying questions into my private life. If I feel the need to share, then I will. Thankfully, I am still in my 20s so my dad hasn't asked me about kids yet. But I know I will be in your shoes in the future because I am sure that my CF stance will not be readily accepted by my dad, grandparents, and basically most my and DH's relatives. There are several CF couples in DH's family though and they are so much fun to hang out with, even though they are 20-30 years older than we are!

PS- Bifumus, your dog is absolutely adorable in that costume!

Bummer, Bifumus. That's a tough one. It is tough to feel the disappointment. I think it's kind of odd for him to ask you about it at 38, too, as someone else said above.

I would list that, maybe, as one of your top ten reasons. You can cite statistics on what can happen to the mother and baby if they have a baby later in life. But I would include all the other reasons, too. It sounds like your life is very full, and you might even say we won't know where we would fit kids in. You might also want to say that we are all born with special gifts and talents, and that parenting doesn't feel like your calling - that you'd like to contribute in another way that is more meaningful to you.

Lastly, don't take the guilt on. It doesn't sound like he's intentionally trying to make you feel guilty, but just because it's there doesn't mean you have to own it. Just acknowledge it and let it go. It's not on you to do something you don't want to do for the next 20 years to make someone else happy! I'm sure if you find a way to communicate that, he will somehow understand.

Is your Dad going to pay to raise this child? Is he going to get up at 3am to feed it? Is he going to wait in hospital for hours when it gets sick? Is he going to fight with it about bedtime, feeding time, and all the other stuff that comes with day to day parenting?

No?

If you choose not to do all that, then that's your decision, and none of his business. There is no need for you to justify it to anyone. It really annoys me that parents think they're "owed" grandchildren ... and that if you're a female of child bearing age, they can only be proud of you if you pop out a kid, so they can brag to their friends. Puh-leaz.

Maybe he could try being interested in you and all the things that you accomplish, instead of being so self centered. He already has one grandchild. If he doesn't get to see him, that's unfortunate, but sometimes life's like that. You raise your children to be their own people and live their own lives, not to be an adjunct to yours. I just wish more parents realised this.

Sorry to be so mean, but the whole "grandparent=entitlement" thing annoys the [censored] out of me...

Great post, Pikasam!!! Way to go, and well said!

Yes! Bravo Pikasam!

Bifumus, I'm so sorry, and I understand how you feel. I get pressure from my dad too, and am also 38. It's almost like they feel obligated to state their wishes before it's too late, but...too bad because it is.

It's so messed up to hear it from our dads, because for most of us they did very little of the heavy lifting when they had young children. I feel the same way as you about being really sad to disappoint my parents.

The irony is, my parents are divorced, and my mom said she always felt like my dad looked down on her because she gave up her career (teacher) to be a stay at home mom. I'm sure he would have not wanted us in daycare or something, but still he didn't show as much respect for her being a SAHM. I did the polar opposite as her...found a career I love, support myself financially, have a lot of hobbies, and strong marriage, but didn't have kids...and now he's disappointed in ME. Well, I know he's proud of the other things I do, but he does pester me to have a child. You just can't win with some people, and I guess I'll never be able to completely please him. Trying to please everyone is a loser anyway, they say, so I just have to accept it I guess. His mother was very critical of him too, so I think it's a pattern.

Well, I don't know how exactly to resolve the issue, but hope it helps to know that others of us are experiencing the same thing.

Hi Bifumus,
I agree with Pikasam.
My mother has never pressured me about kids - I think she just knew...It's not her style anyway - she has often said that she would never presume to know what's best for other people - she doesn't have all the answers.
My father asked me once - out of the blue - after visiting one of his cousins. This particular cousin is very traditional and raised her daughter's to be wives and mothers. We were standing in the kitchen at my parent's home and my father said, "Why don't you have a couple of kids"....I looked at him and said, "It doesn't really interest us Dad"...He said, "Oh, I see, fair enough"....End of story.
I did not for one moment think, "Oh Gosh, I'd better have a baby for Dad"...
I wasn't raised by my parents "to follow the flock"...they encouraged the qualities that led to independent thought and taking responsibility for your life.
We were raised in a working class suburb with lots of bad influences - we all had the strength to say "No" to drug use, shoplifting and all the other things that were sometimes going on around us.
The thought process is the same - I will lead in life, not follow...
I remember seeing a cartoon many years ago...it was published in a student magazine.
In the first scene a woman in the BACK seat of a car being driven by a person called "Others" - they approach a fork in the road - one way motherhood - the other way "Other things"....the woman screams out, "Hang on, don't I have a say?" as the car is turned toward Motherhood.
In the next caption the woman is DRIVING the car and poised at the intersection. The caption read, "at least this time its my decision - I'm in control"...

I love this... see, other people do think about it. Artists, cartoonists, writers, actors, screenwriters have always kind of been pioneers and questioned things. I would have been so thrilled to see that cartoon.

That's exactly how I feel about it - just doesn't interest me. My Dad hasn't asked me about it, I don't think, but I told him my nephew as asking about cousins the other day. He either didn't hear me, or decided not to comment. I think he might be a little disappointed, but I also think they see through the illusion of parenting. I think they are a little envious that DH and I aren't shackled with kids.

i'm an only child so the pressure i felt to have a kid was almost unbearable. anyway, i finally found the courage to have "the talk" with my mom (thanks to this wonderful support group!)and although i know she was disappointed i told her right out that it wouldn't be right to have a child just to make them happy and that as much as i love them i couldn't do it. my mom agreed. it was awkward but i'm so glad i did it. luckily she hasn't pestered me about it since them. i'm sure she isnt' dancing a jig but she really seems to have accepted our decision. i really didnt' explain to her why we don't want kids and she didnt' ask. it's up to you if you want to explain why but really it's your business and you don't have to.

i've realized that my parents' disappointment is something they have to deal with not me. it's hard but i've learned the hard way that it's okay if my parents aren't always happy with my decisions and that sometimes they just have to grin and bear it. even my priest told me this when my hubby and i decided to buy a house in the city and my parents freaked out b/c they wanted us to buy in the burbs. my priest said that they'll eventually just get over it and that we have the right to do what we want and that we dont' have to always have to please them.he said if we back down now then the next thing they'll be bugging us about is when are you going to have children? this was 6 yrs. ago before we were %100 CF but i thought it was really cool that my priest said that to us. i'll tell you that whole experience changed my life.

it's hard but don't let your dad guilt trip you. be strong and hopefully eventually he'll stop b/c he'll realize that it's no use.

good luck!

indigo