BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids "I am not an incubator"

Mike, you are soooo cool! and thanks, StefW for posting the great article, it's very well-written.

It all boils down to one thing, doesn't it? That it just isn't any of others' business!!! So stop it!

AGREE. My best friend's pet saying to me (she's a mum to one but encouraging me NOT to have kids at the age of 41) is "the world needs more aunties". Meaning more significant adults in kids' lives who have time for them. I find I have the time and brain space to treat the kids in my life as little people, and to talk to them, listen to them and be sensitive to what they are saying. Also - money. My sister works as a community adviser in a very troubled part of the city I live in. The other day she told me that a local organisation was looking for funding for 60 children from poor families and disadvantaged backgrounds to go to a camp where they would learn about goals, motivations, and how to strive to get somewhere in life amongst their lack of role models. It was $100 per kid and she was asking me if I would sponsor one. This pressed all my buttons about community, crime, helping kids with tough backgrounds etc, so on a whim I sponsored three. They were so grateful. If I had kids of my own, there would be no way I could find or spend that sort of money.

This article is absolutely brilliant - thank you Stef for posting it!

FeeBeeGeeBee: I love the idea of sponsoring an underpriviledged child. I think I might look into doing this, because it's so worthwhile. I don't blame kids when their parents have financial or emotional issues. I think parents should get it together and not live off of handouts - that goes without saying. But sometimes kids need stuff that they can't get from their parents.
I know I am an awesome aunt, and I am able to do things for and with him that his Mom can't or won't do. If I was a Mom, I would NOT have the time or energy to be so involved in his life.

We do need more aunts. Parents can't do it all, and it's good that not every women parents. Women have so many skills, and if we all partake in parenting, the work world and world at large will miss women's contribution. Men and women have different strengths, etc., that they bring to the table. And both are needed for a balanced society.

Wow - that is SO well put. I agree entirely! Thank you for expressing this so succinctly. When I was single I used to light-heartedly spout my "elephant theory". I saw a documentary about how elephants live. All the generations of females live together and share in the child-rearing - all look after each other. Twice a year the males come by, the females pick the best to mate with, they get that over with, and then the males head off into the hills again to fight and get rid of testosterone.

But there was something in the way all the women helped to take care of the children. I think what interested me at the time was that in a scenario like that in the human world, I could play a valuable role in helping parents and children, without having to be a Mum myself. I find with parents now being so darned precious in our society it just doesn't work that way - many parents don't ALLOW significant other adults into their children's lives.

I was very moved and affected by a single moment I witnessed when travelling in Thailand. My ex and I were spending some time on a small Muslim fishing island (which I fear is now wiped out by the Tsunami, btw). There was a middle-aged couple who ran a "restaurant"(like an open fronted garage in the middle of the village) and who would feed us evey day - we would sit at a table with a little menu. We loved sitting there and watching how the village worked. Well one day, we were eating breakfast and the woman who ran the restaurant was sitting across from us at a table, just resting while she waited for us to finish. Along the dusty path came a mother with a baby. She looked exhausted. She silently just handed the baby to the woman, and sat down. The woman brought her a cold drink, and then took the baby aside to play with it. This mother just needed a time-out and the other woman stepped in to help. If I lived in a community like that where everyone helped out, THEN I might consider having a baby. It brought home to me, really, that child-raising without full community support, in a society where you are constantly being pressured and judged, would be very lonely and hard.

Sorry, bit of a ramble. I have to wait here upstairs near our bathroom ensuite while DH tries to unblock the shower drain with a hose from below, so am writing posts while I wait!

FeebeeGeebee, that Thailand village sounds great. THAT is where children can still be raised decently, with all the attention and good influence that should be given. Modern cities just aren't suitable for it. No more closely-knit communities, as you say.

The whole "it takes a village to raise a child" is a wonderful concept. There are people who do take too much advantage of those who help out. Then there are people like my sister who gets help from me, her other sister, and her best friend on a regular basis. She is always so grateful and will make room in her busy, busy schedule to spend time with us.

FeeBeeGeeBee: Loved the story about the elephants. I like the idea of all women working together.

And I also loved the Thailand story. We are sadly so far removed from that in our country. I love our country, don't get me wrong. But it is hard, the way things are currently set up. I think that's why I know so many parents that get their parents [grandparents] to live nearby to help out with childcare.

That's great, Ingilbert, that your sister is so appreciative. My parents struggle with this all the time. They have my nephew all the time, and then my sister is nasty to them, and they get upset that she doesn't appreciate them. But that isn't why they are doing what they are doing. My sister should appreciate them, but my nephew shouldn't lose out on the love he needs (spending time with his grandparents) b/c she is unappreciative. It's hard though, b/c she bites the hand that feeds her. It's complicated, because we all like to be recognized for our contributions.

But, then again, they are contributing more b/c she is mentally ill (bipolar), and a mess. I wonder how many of the bad parents out there have mental health issues? God, I wish they could do something to regulate women like that from having kids.

Your post is as good as the original article! Thanks everyone for the responses. Makes me feel like I'm not crazy after all.

Stef

I wish I could go live in Canada, for so many reasons....