BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids The leap of logic

The year is winding down and more and more I find myself standing around chatting to people enjoying my wine and "things on sticks"...I have spoken to a number of people in the office about this forum so I suppose that explains having had quite a few discussions about being CF in the last week or so.
I was chatting to a number of younger women yesterday over lunch (they all work in the office)
Our principal research officer said that she has found that people often assume you've been damaged in your childhood, if you don't want kids.
She's 27 - had a happy childhood and dislikes being around kids and has always felt that way. She is constantly being told she'll change but as she said, "I've always disliked sport - I doubt I'll wake up tomorrow and suddenly love sport so much I want to make it my life's work".
Another theory - there is a genetic link between women and childlessness - it is such a powerful instinct that any woman who displays no or little maternal instinct has probably been born with a genetic abnormality.
I feel that childhood experiences often make people stop and think before embarking on parenting - I think that's a good thing. There was no abuse in my childhood, my parents were not addicts, no divorces BUT,
I was fortunate that I was old enough to "take notice" when my younger siblings came along - I looked at my parents lives and it started me thinking...so I was given an early insight. Surely, anything that makes you stop and think before becoming a parent should be encouraged.
The genetic link theory - we are all different - some people struggle to accept that some women don't want to mother. I think there are lots of reasons why that might be the case - you can't generalize.
My father had two sisters - both I'm sure would have been CF if contraception had been more reliable in their time - they both had just one child and neither really embraced the role. They did "other things" in a time when women rarely did anything else.
I know I was drawn to these aunts as a child - I found them interesting - they were strong, independent and opinionated women and they fascinated me. Early influences are important and shape us so perhaps, their example, TOGETHER with my own personality, made me the CF person I am today - not a genetic hiccup.
My aunts were much older than my father so sadly, they died long ago.
When I got into University, I paid my surviving aunt a visit and told her the news - her response, "THANK GOD, someone is FINALLY doing something other than pushing out bloody babies"..."anyone can do that, but how many can get into University"....and this from a woman born in 1900 and was 76 years old when she made that statement.
She was great...
What do you think?
Was your CF stance shaped/influenced by childhood experiences?
What do you think of the "damaged person" and "genetic abnormality" theories?

The "genetic abnormailty" is actually documented in mice - the mest gene. When mother mice have it, they leave their babies to starve. I've always wondered if one day, they'll find it in women - I'm sure it's there, and I'm sure it runs in families too.

I don't like it that people sometimes assume you're trying and can't get pregnant, so there's something wrong with you.

I'm not sure about the abnormality thing- I know my sister and I both seem to lack a desire to have children, but I'm not sure if that is a physical or rational decision. I think it's both.

When I tell my mom that I don't want kids (she knows my sister doesn't either), she says, "I must have done something wrong as a mother." I don't agree with that, of course.

There are all sorts of things in a person's makeup that makes them different. Some say that there are physical reasons why people are gay. However, I don't think that makes gay people 'damaged.' It just makes them who they are.

the mest gene? havn't heard that one before...I wonder if i can get it in pill form so i can start sneaking it into the water supply.

Skeeter

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the mest gene? havn't heard that one before...I wonder if i can get it in pill form so i can start sneaking it into the water supply.

Skeeter [/quote]

Good thought! I think I already have it. I have zero maternal instinct or even a nurturing instinct (no pets either). As for the childhood theory... I think that might be true for some, but certainly not all. I had a very pleasant childhood with good parents and definite boundaries. And I'm the baby of the family (there are only two of us) so I didn't get stuck with babysitting/sibling raising duties. In fact, the first time I babysat was when I spent an hour with my niece while my SIL was shopping. I was 26 and it lost its appeal rather quickly for me.

I had a very happy, normal childhood. My parents have been married for 42 years, and happily so. They enjoyed being parents (still do) and all the stages of parenthood. There is and was great love within our family. My parents are the type who should have had more kids because they were good at being parents and they loved the job. Would they enjoy grandchildren? Yes - but they never pressure us. They understand what it means to be a parent, esp. in today's world, and they understand where we are coming from.

I have one sister and we are very, very close. We had loving grandparents, aunts, uncles, family friends and many family traditions. We took yearly vacations, sometimes more than one, had lots of little neighborhood friends, received great educations, college/university degrees, I have a Masters Degree and my sister is about to enter law school. I am 33 years old, happily married for 3 years and counting and my husband and I have no plans for kids. I do not hate kids at all - yet we are godparents to a few kids and we enjoy them. But having a child in my life, our lives, does not seem to be on the radar for us. We enjoy our lives and we are happily married, well adjusted, hard-working, social, up-standing people.

I do not necessarily feel that there is a "genetic" factor to not wanting or wanting to have children. For me, when I was in my early 20's and teens, I thought that possibly kids were part of my future, as many girls do. As I have gotten older, I have witnessed the hardships that my friends have had raising children (the good, the bad and the ugly) and have really thought hard about what it means to be a parent. I do not want to hop a ride on that train. We have decided that it is not for us as the whole picture has become more and more clear as to what it means to raise children. It is not the commitment that we want to make so therefore, we chose not to have kids.

I have read about the mest gene, very intriguing. Neither myself or my two siblings want kids. We did grow up in a messed up family and the idea of parenting did not make a good impression on any of us!

My sister and I are very maternal with our pets, and my brother gets pretty gushy with his kitties

I've been thinking about this recently because I just went home for the weekend. My parents are pretty damaged people. and my childhood wasn't great. When people tell me "don't you want to give what you had to a child" I really feel like putting them in their place. I would never wish childhood on my worst enemy! I know like one or two people that had normal childhoods. Most of the people I know are still recovering in some way, whether they know it or not. I've never wanted to pass on the dysfunction to another generation. Stop the madness, that's my motto! I strongly encouraged my Mom to get into counseling when I was home this past weekend. I think she's getting more mental as the years go by.

Anyway, my parents didn't really enjoy parenting the first time around, and now they are doing it full-time again with their grandson, even though my sister has custody. Seeing that reminds me of my childhood, and how my Dad was constantly screaming about the smallest thing. And my Mom and her guilt trips and weird ways of dealing with things b/c she grew up in a severely abusive household. It's even worse this time around b/c they didn't choose to be parents in their 50s!

I stayed in their house while I was home for a visit, and it reminded me of how powerless you are when you are a kid. If someone is going on a rampage about something, you can't escape. You are stuck there. And, you have no rights, no money or options. Being dependent sucks!

With all of that said, I don't think my parents were the main reason why I became CF. I remember being at the pool in the summertime, and the parents would chase their kids around, and try to make sure they didn't drown themselves. I couldn't imagine why anyone would make that choice. It took me a long time to figure out exactly how dysfunctional my family is, but I knew from an earlier age that parenting sucked. I didn't like babysitting, didn't go crazy over the kids in the neighborhood. I DID go crazy over my little sister, and she was adorable. She's the one who grew up to be a nightmare. And I noted that no matter how adorable children are, they can grow up to be very different. I know my parents played a role in my sister's behavior, but I think some of it is genetic, too. There's a lot of mental illness/depression/OCD/anxiety in our family. She has bipolar disorder, and isn't being treated.

It kills me that people that know my family history would even suggest I have kids. My cousins had kids, and my grandfather was mentally ill, and violent. Hey, if they want to take that chance, good for them. Not for me!

I can't imagine that thinking through a major life change and deciding that it's not for you is considered an abnormalty.