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I am new to this site, I have joined because I was recently called a "Lady of leisure". I am frequently called many things by people because My husband and I have no children. I thought there may be other people out there who could possibly share my feelings and I came upon this site. I am sure many of you have heard that because you are child free that you have money burning a hole in your pocket and all of the time in the world for leisurely activities. I sometimes feel that others see me as someone who contributes nothing to society and is selfish and self centered although I know that isn't the case. I am thankful to have found all of you wonderful people to talk to.

Welcome AllyG. I have found this forum to be extraordinary - the people here are so insightful and it is incredibly reassuring to feel part of a "gang" of interesting people who don't have children.

Whoever called you a "Lady of Leisure" has appalling manners and is unbelievably narrow-minded and presumptious. I am wanting to slap them on your behalf.

I haven't had anyone overtly tell me I am being selfish, but sometimes I feel that the label is being placed on me too. Even, on occasion, I have worried that by not having children, I will become more selfish, but I am learning that this is not the case. For sure when I do battle occasional feelings of wanting a child, these are completely selfish feelings.

There is a recent thread you might like to read about this very topic:

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Hi AllyG,
I've never been called a "lady of leisure"...I work full time in a senior position - I travel to Japan back and forth all year (& other places) - anyone calling me a lady of leisure obviously doesn't know me...
Sure I enjoy my lifestyle and my leisure time - I make no apologies for that but there is a lot more to my life as well.
If someone called me a lady of leisure - I'd probably laugh! or say flippantly, "Lady of Leisure! No, you have the wrong person I'm afraid"
CF people often have more time and money to enjoy holidays and other pleasurable activities - my attitude there is that we all make choices in our lives - if other people are happy with their choices, why should my life bother them?
One of my friends desperately wanted to have a child - that finally happened when she was 39 - she is a wonderful mother and adores her child - she has never given me a hard time about my life or my choices - why? I think because she's perfectly content with her life and understands/accepts it's not for everyone.
My SIL is a lady of leisure and has been for about 10 years - she and her DH are CF - they retired early and spend their days at their beach house, travelling, entertaining, playing tennis, swimming, sailing...
I've heard people call her a "lady of leisure" - she smiles and says, "yes, it's fabulous"...

Firstly hello and welcome to the forum!
Secondly, is it possible that whoever called you "lady of leisure" is jealous?
I am a teacher and one of the mums of one of the kids doesn't seem to have a job and she helps out a lot at school (which is GREAT!) But the other day one of my colleagues, working mother of three) said
"Why doesn't she have a job? She's probably on a benefit and just stays at home and does nothing."
I thought that was an awful [censored]-umption!
For e.g. maybe she's a stay at home mother and her hubby earns enough for both of them. I think my colleague was jealous cos she's a working mother, maybe she doesn't want to be?
And I think the person who made that comment is possibly jealous too cos you don't have time eaten up by kids!
However,
if someone called ME a lady of leisure I would think "yes, I AM lucky, AREN'T I?"
Having said that there are certainly OTHER things (inc. about being childfree) that people could/have say/said that upset me.

Hi!
I'm new here too. Haven't as yet been called a lady of leisure, but I'm sure that's just because they haven't thought of it! My grandmother in law seems to think I have it easy because we're not planning kids.... this despite the fact I work 10-11 hour days, and when she had kids she employed maids and nannys in Papua New Guinea and didn't work!

hi swee'pea,
i aspire to be a lady-of-leisure! (no kidding!)
i lived in Hong kong for over 12 years...and there is a great word for L-O-Leisure there - "tai tai"
and if you are a tai tai then you have made it in life! (even mothers, single women can be tai tai's) Tai tais play tennis in the country club, then go to chanel for a spot of shopping and then it's off to the Pennisula for some high tea.:-)
so my advice is go over to Hong Kong and you will fit in!
(this is just my sense of humour..so don't take it too seriously!)
welcome to this forum...it has been a lifesaver to me, so far

I wish I had maids ... you should see my house right now. Actually, I'd just settle for someone to finish putting down the hardwood floor ...

Welcome! We're glad you're here.

I aspire to be a lady of leisure too! If it's that or motherhood, that seems like a no-brainer.

I get really frustrated with previous generations having expectations of us to provide them with grandchildren, and acting like we have it easy. Considering how few women in previous generations actually were carrying their own weight financially, I think they have no idea!!

It's especially insulting to me, because I pay through the nose for health insurance and property taxes...we're talking close to $20K/yr. (in the wonderful US of A). Those expenses were a tiny fraction of that for them, when they were my age. Buying or renting housing was a much smaller percentage of the average person's salary overall. The world is a different place, and they need to open their eyes and quit denying it.

My mom, before she decided she wanted to upgrade husbands, stayed home to raise my brother and I. She talks to me about how those were the best years of her life. All the women in the neighborhood were doing the same thing, and every day they'd hang out on someone's front lawn and let the kids play while they chatted for hours and had a cocktail.

Gee, that would be nice. If I had a kid, my life would be nothing like that. I'd have to either work at the same time as I was childrearing, or put them in day care. So, I'm always tempted to tell them if they want to tell me what to do with my life, then they can volunteer to babysit that baby full time, and pay some of my bills. (But, I wouldn't say that, because really I don't want that.)

Rant rant...vent vent...

I've tried to point this out to my mother, but it's useless. She just gets more resentful of my husband because he doesn't make enough money to support me and a passel of kids. She thinks I should be pressuring him to step and fetch a little harder, and I think that's really manipulative and obnoxious.

I have to say, even though I've been a fencesitter, and even went through a period of trying to conceive, I'm starting to feel like being CF is far more in line with my values. Trying to become a parent wasn't "me" and I felt really uncomfortable in my skin going to a fertility clinic, and even talking about what we were doing. I decided to "try" being CF for awhile and see how that feels, and it feels like my integrity is much more intact. Another clue to me that this is right is that I feel connected to this forum.

I have never been even slightly drawn to participating in an infertility forum, even though those are my circumstances. That would really make me ill.

Okay, way off subject. Uh...what were we talking about? Sorry.

Freida,


Wow you expressed your opinion word for word about what I always say! I would consider having kids if other women were around in my neighborhood, hanging out let the kids go run the streets and be back before dark there was community there but now its you are a taxi service and a secretary you have to set up play dates, soccer games, art classes etc... you are doing on your won child care health insurance nickel and dimed to DEATH cell phones... constant vigilance from the streets from the internet from the TV... not to mention the college you need to pay for and the wedding before you are put in your grave...

I always tell my husband that if we lived in another country where things were set up differently I would consider having a kid but they way it is here in America? Do I want a knife in my chest???

Our society has really turned raising a family into something monstrously difficult... I cant believe people want to go through that as much as they do...

Hi Ceswyn and Frieda

A while back I posted about this very point:

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