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Shark
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Shark
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 371 |
What a crock of [censored].. I just got back from a year in Korea. A year away from my wife, and because of bad timing I didn't get 30 days in the middle to go home. But I was faithful. Korea is treated as one big party. Out of 20 or 30 people over there that I knew that were married, only 4 of us didn't cheat. It's not stressful in Korea, we don't have kids to worry about over there, our spouses arn't nagging us. Its a party atmosphere. As much as I love my wife, it was rather nice to come home from work, and have no responsibilites. If your husband can't stay faithfull during this short tour, you are in a lot of trouble when it comes to the really stressfull deployments. When you are completely immersed in an environment where everyone is either single or cheating, you have two options: let it disgust you, pick better friends, and be faithful. or join the crowd, cheat, and hope to not get caught. The STD rate is so high for military members in korea that we actually had walk in STD clinics in the hospital. We didn't have a sick call, but we had an STD clinic. These thoughts should have hit him in the head before he let his guard drop. I know a lot of people that worked through these things and stayed together afterwords, but personally, I say drop him, report him, and take him for everything he has, he's making the rest of us military men look bad.
Skeeter SSgt United States Air Force
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 24
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OP
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 24 |
Air force, huh? My husband is in the air force too. I did save proof where he did admit he had the affair, therefore if I ever have a change of heart I can report him and her. He has no idea I saved the proof, I haven't told him about that. He is coming on his mid tour with std testing results, that's the first thing I want to see. He better have that glued to his shirt when I see him because I'm not getting close if he comes out with anything! After his midtour I guess we will see what will happen because afterwards we have orders to England, I'm not moving across the world to then come back.
"Always expect the worst, and you will never be disappointed". - Peter Wastholam
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Joined: Nov 2007
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Joined: Nov 2007
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Thanks for your response by the way.
"Always expect the worst, and you will never be disappointed". - Peter Wastholam
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 709
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 709 |
No, cheating is not okay. Ever. I've never heard of any marriage vows with a caveat, "Do you promise to be faithful to _______, till death do you part -- barring any unforeseen extenuating circumstances like deployment?"
I agree with Skeeter; it's a crock of [censored].
My ex-husband cheated on me once on a business trip. I found out about it and immediately divorced his pathetic, sorry azz. I was only 26, we had no children (THANKS TO ALL THAT IS HOLY), and I knew I would never, ever forget what he did, no matter how regretful he was. In considering counseling (something he begged for), I knew I would forever be on guard, checking pants pockets, e-mails, phone records...I would have made myself nuts. The bottom line is that I knew I could never trust him implicitly ever again, and I wasn't going to live that kind of hell. No need to -- life is too short. No one promised me a rose garden in this life, but he promised to be faithful, and I trusted his vow.
"Men and women think that it is necessary to have children. It is not. It is their animal nature and social custom, rather than reason, which makes them believe that this is a necessity." --Democritus
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Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,189
BellaOnline Editor Chimpanzee
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BellaOnline Editor Chimpanzee
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,189 |
Y'all, please don't get me wrong...I was not implying that the cheating husband was right or had a good excuse. I was just saying that this is a common occurance, and if Mercy wants to give her marriage another shot, it could really be over, and other married coupled have bounced back from affairs. But it takes a lot of work, on both parties. Because the guilty one has to constatnly be willing to accept suspicion, and the other spouse does have to one day trust again.
I know of one elderly couple whose marraige survived the affair - but in their case, I wonder if they would have been better off divorcing. The woman never again fully trusted her husband (after more than 50 years of marriage) and on a regular basis would make some comment about how he was "atoning". He puts up with it, and just keeps his head down and is very meek. I think they both might have been happier had the marriage ended - but it just wasn't done back then.
So what I am saying (convuluted as it seems) is do what you feel you need to do. We can all give you the advice in the world. Your friends and family can be indignant on your behalf. But it is your life, and you have to live with the decisions you make - not any of us. It all comes down do whether you feel your marriage is worth the effort to try and salvage - even if there are no guarantees. For some people even the trying is worth it, though, if for no other reason than peace of mind.
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 28
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My husband did a tour in Korea as well and we made it through without him cheating. I think it depends on the person. Those that will cheat, will. Korea does have a high rate of infidelity and like Skeeter said, it is a party atmosphere. I don't believe cheating is ever good for a relationship. If your husband had just cheated once, then maybe you could give him another chance because it really could have been "just sex" and a mistake. People do make mistakes. But, it sounds like he cheated more than once and that is not okay. The trust has been broken. Can you ever trust him again?
The other issue is this. With him being in the military, he will have other TDY's and deployments and some could be worse than Korea. Or he may get Korea again. My husband and I just got back from a two year tour to Korea so it can happen. Will you be able to trust him when he goes or will you always wonder every time he is gone if he is cheating? Why did he cheat in the first place?
I am sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best and I hope it works out one way or the other. You need to decide what is best for YOU! Good luck.
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Joined: Nov 2007
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Joined: Nov 2007
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Thanks for your reply doglover. I know that another tour to korea may happen but he will most likely be getting out when his time comes up in 2009. Supposedly had "just sex" a handful of times within a 2 week period. During those 2 weeks we barely spoke, we had a big fight and were thinking of getting divorced. We actually didn't really talk for about 3 weeks, but what he did happened within 2 of those 3 weeks. But after those 2 weeks he was the one that wanted to patch things up. Honestly our fight that lead to us not speaking for the 2 weeks was over something dumb, but it was a mix of things that had been balled up and untold. Could I trust him? I'm trying. I will see him soon for his midtour which he couldn't get at his 6month mark but 8th month. We have been away for a long time and after this, only after seeing him will I be able to see if I can really be "normal" with him again. Things are somewhat normal right now but that's over the phone and computer, but like I said when we see each other that's when I will be able to tell if I can continue or not. I'm really nervous actually, he will be here in about 5 days. Having him around again will really be the only way to determine if I can truly forget. I've done the forgiving but forgetting is the most difficult part (at least I feel it is). I know I have to see what is best for me because I certainly am not going to do what is best for him in regards to the situation. It's all about what I want right now since I wasn't the one being unfaithful. I'm still young, we have no kids and walking away would be a clean cut as far as divorce goes but I'm not sure if that's what I want. He has changed for the better, we communicate a lot more but maybe deep down he communicates a whole lot more and better since he might have fear that I will do the same thing he did or worst. Once again, thanks for your reply! I truly appreciate your input. Thanks!
"Always expect the worst, and you will never be disappointed". - Peter Wastholam
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 557
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 557 |
If you want to stay with your husband, I've got some advice for ya. 1. He should be willing to be totally transparent from now on. You should know all of his passwords and have access to any of his email. He should understand that if he keeps any secret accounts from you it is paramount to cheating. 2. Hold off on children or property for several years, so if he cheats again it doesn't complicate the divorce. 3. He needs to realize that it will take as long as YOU want it to in order to trust him again, and be willing to accept that. 4. And of course, get some counseling. He needs to understand the pain that you are going through, and until he does, he doesn't really 'get' it.
...the cake is a lie...the cake is a lie...the cake is a lie...
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Joined: Nov 2007
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 24 |
Thank you tressthefool. I do have all his passwords but have only checked his things twice since I found out, Don't want to drive myself crazy by checking it everyday and etc. As far as I know he has no other accounts. He does know it will take a very very long time for me to trust him again and he is completely accepting that I want to go to counseling too.
"Always expect the worst, and you will never be disappointed". - Peter Wastholam
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 557
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 557 |
Don't thank me, thank Dr. Phil! I hate to say that, but sometimes he does come up with good stuff.
As for checking your husband's accounts, you don't have to constantly check it, or even check it at all, if you don't want to. It's more that he realizes that you could access anything of his if you wanted to. It could also help him out, because he should know that if he ever feels the need to open an account that you don't know about or hide something from you, that he's doing something wrong.
But I'd say it's a pretty good sign that he's willing to do counseling.
...the cake is a lie...the cake is a lie...the cake is a lie...
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