BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Naive about social acceptance of being CF

When I very first posted here I told the story of being bingoed by a woman without children. My sister decided to gather her sisters and her best female friends (about 10 of us in total) for dinner at her apartment. I was having an absolutely lovely evening with these inspiring women. Down the other end of the table was a woman who looked really cool to me. She was in her 40s and had been a professional NZ sportswoman. She was telling us that she had just left a big telecommunications company to start her own business. So when we all got up from the table after dinner, I made a point of going over to talk more to her about her business. Before I knew it, I was being bingoed, and because at that time I was feeling sad and panicked about not having children and trying to come to terms with it, my entire night was instantly ruined. She asked me if my new husband and I were going to have children. I used my stock phrase which had worked until then - "Well, I'm 41 so it's not a given". Instead of blushing or changing the subject and realising how tactless she had been, she started giving me a lecture about the miracles of modern science and how her sister had just had a baby at 42. THEN she carried on (despite no response from me) and said how much she regretted not having children and if she were my age again, she'd be trying. I just then excused myself and removed myself from her, and basically then ordered a taxi and went home. I was so angry - it was none of her business, I did not ask for her opinion, and she totally depressed and unsettled me. Fortunately I was able to see past it and it was not long after that I found this forum.

I think that say's a lot about her and not much about you - she may regret her decision not to have kids but that does not mean you will have regrets. Why should anyone have kids because SHE regrets her decision?
I personally don't have regrets about anything - I always look forward...it is pointless regretting something you can't change. I think that most of us made an informed decision about children and I know that if I could wind back the clock I'd have the same apprehension about motherhood that has always been part of my make up - I'm sure I would make the same decision again.
I think it's natural to sometimes feel like the odd one in a group but I have always been the odd one for many reasons - the first to go to university, the first to travel to Europe, the first to practice law, start my own business etc......so being different may take some strength but in my opinion, it's worth it!

When people tell me that I will regret not having kids, I'm going to start responding with this:

My one regret in life is that I never did a flip flop on the high beam by myself. Oh, and that I've never done a consistent kip. :-)

Okay, so maybe it's not my ONE regret. I have a few others, but they certainly don't revolve around anything life changing.

No one should be made to feel guilty if they don't have kids: its a very personal choice based on circumstances, up-bringing, and whether you even like the little darlings. I suspect many women use that guilt-trip as a way of covering up their own frustration and disappointment with life, and their envy at how care-free and fulfilling your life-style appears to them.
After all, dealing with c***y nappies, tantrums, and the nastier habits of modern children is not always the most stimulating occupation! Fortunately there are women who generally enjoy it.
Rejoice in your difference - its what makes you uniquely you, a precious human being!
Its not about how many kids you can push out, but whether you leave the world a better place than you found it, and it takes all kinds of people to do that! Its their problem, not yours.

Yes, yes, yes - exactly! I wish I had said that at the time. I wish I had said "Well, I'm really sorry to hear you regret not having children. I hope you can get over that. Me - I never have regrets; I look forwards not backwards (stealing your line Deborah). And I have nothing in my life to regret - it's going just fine thanks. Your feedback is fascinating but that fact that you regret not having children really has nothing to do with me and my life. Good luck with that by the way. Now, if you'll excuse me, I just need to refill my glass".



Yes, one time in my 30s when I was agonising over the decisions I had made that had led me to being single again and childless, a close male friend said to me "You made every decision in your life for good reason. You wouldn't have made those decisions if they didn't feel right at the time. You are meant to be in this place right now." I found that exceedingly comforting.



Yes, I agree. I too have often been different. I can't help but be and I prefer it that way.

Deborah, I love reading your posts. I find them inspiring and comforting. It's partly because you've been in the emotional place I am in and come out the other side. And it's also because you live life so brilliantly and obviously love your life. Thanks for all your posts - please keep them coming!

(Likewise to all of you - I don't mean to just single out Deborah!)

Why, thank you FeeBee! - likewise, I enjoy reading your posts.
I really enjoy catching up with my online friends.
I'm pleased you're working through your feelings - I think it's really important to acknowledge and deal with those emotions.
I'm sure you'll shortly find your "peaceful place"....we're all there waiting for you! Cloudy Bay Sauv Blanc anyone...

It's interesting but I've felt over the last couple of years a real need for older CF women to confidently stand up for the CF option and offer a supportive shoulder - for too long we have been the silent minority.
I have found quite a few younger women in my circle/office need support/reassurance in their decisions to be CF and find it comforting to chat to an older, happy CF woman. (I turn 50 in February 2008)

In the past I've avoided talking about the issue however, I've recently had a change of heart and now have no problem having a heart to heart with one of my CF sisters.(or brothers)
I'm also, fast to openly support a CF person struggling to defend their position in a social or any other setting - I think I've simply had enough...and not in an angry and sensitive way but in a calm and determined way.
I personally don't ask people questions about reproductive intent - it's none of my business - it's a private decision. If people choose to have children - that's their decision.
However, equally I expect others to respect the decision to be CF.
So, I will continue to vigorously support those of us who choose to do other things in life.

Hi Deborah - I just wanted to respond belatedly to your post.


Yes, I think I'm really really close Deborah! It helps SOOO much to have you all to vent to. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't be admitting that the decision not to have a last-ditch attempt at kids is hard for me, because so many of you are so clear and adamant. But maybe my posts help others who are in the same place. It's interesting working through this process, and by venting about the real emotions I feel, it helps me to put them into perspective, which is much better than doing something drastic (having a kid I mean!).



That's interesting Deborah, and thank you (on behalf of your younger colleague/friends - and me!) for taking on that role. You are absolutely right. That's why it was so wonderful when my older colleague (who IS a Mum) told me unequivocally not to have children.


Yes, I know how you feel. Before I found this forum, I used to kind of accept that I had to deal with these comments and I think I put myself in an inferior position all the time. Feeling I had to justify my situation and always giving away too much personal stuff and resenting it later. This forum has given me both awareness and confidence. Interestingly, fewer people ask me now - I think they sense this confdence and that it is a no-go area. I also averted a recent bingo, when a work contact asked (in front of her husband while we were having coffee) whether we were going to have children. Her husband looked apologetic and I looked at him, rolled my eyes and said "unbelievable how many people think they can ask me that question". And then I looked her in the eye and said "No, we are not.". She quickly had to dig herself out of the hole and said "oh, I was just checking that we weren't going to lose you from the arts".

"I had no idea that our decision was so looked down upon. Just curious if I'm the only one that has been so naive all my life (I'm 35, so this took me a long time to figure out) or when/how you realized that you were an outsider for your decision."

I never got "bingoed" until I started this particular teaching job in the UK. Plus I was married about six months after starting. (I say that cos sometimes when you get married it starts/gets worse - not always I know, sometimes if you're single I'm sure you still get told you need to meet someone quickly and make babies!)

Ironically, I've been to Egypt three times with hubby and have met some of his family and friends. But the women there I met were more OK with me not wanting kids than the ones I work with in the UK!! Which is weird, I would have expected it to be the other way around! The Egyptian ones asked did we have kids and if I said no it was like OK and then they talked about something else or if my and or we said we/I didn't have them cos we didn't want them, they were like fair enough! Even if they had their own!

I have about three different people at work who "bingo" me (nag me to have kids) but it used to be four but one left.

In a way it annoys me (a) cos they tell me how I should run OTHER areas of my life that don't affect them too and (b) cos the people who actually KNOW me - which is NOT them as they are just colleagues - also know I don't want kids but are actually Ok with that and respect it. But on the OTHER hand it's reassuring that the people who know me BETTER than my colleagues e.g. my friends and also my folks are OK with my decision.

I got sort of bingo-ed by one of my grandmas once. (The other one would have been fine with it she thought women got a raw deal!!)

At her birthday she talked about how the other grandchildren (talking about them one at a time) had married and had children and then she talked about how my brother (then single, no kids) had given up the hard living and become a Christian again and then she talked about how I tried living in America once and it didn't work out. As a joke --- at my expense!

I DIDN'T appreciate it and was kinda shocked. I have a degree and diploma some of the others have diplomas only one other one had a degree (just recently one more got a degree I think) She didn't talk about that for example!

Or she could have talked about my travel plans in PROGRESS how I was planning and saving to come and live and work in the UK and travel and how she wished me all the best!

Or even just how I wrote lovely poems!

But NOOOOO it was like I was a failure with NOTHING good to say about just because I wasn't married with children!

(Actually, two of the five other grandkids of hers married quite young AND got divorced. And were at that stage so it's not like there were all happy marriages there! Not that I'm dissing them for going through a divorce, what I'm SAYING it you know it's not like things were all rosey but she made it out to be...for everyone but me.

Anyway, now she often asks which country am I going to travel to next!

OH! And I was bingoed when I tried an internet dating site (Christian one cos then I was told I could only date Christians although I often broke THAT rule!!) and of course I mentioned how I didn't want kids. WELL there was this guy who asked why in an email reply and as I tried to explain he sent me angrier and angrier emails till I told him please don't contact me again.

OK, I didn't want kids and I was looking for a guy OK with that, if he wanted them, why email me, why not just find a women who DID want kids?

Oh and I had one parent say "I can't wait till you have your own" even though she with her four boys is too too broke! and another who when she is very late bringing her child etc. says "Do you have your own? Then you wouldn't understand, you don't know how HARD it is." So I told her the boss has kids and SHE doesn't approve of the lateness EITHER and SHE gets in on time! That particular parent is not in some ways a good one. She has let her 3 or 4 year old daughter run off several times when she could have got hit by a car, been kidnapped etc. Once she lost her for about half an hour to an hour and she (the girl) was just walking round the streets. (In a bit of a dodgy neighbourhood too.)