BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Please help.........i'm dying

I need help. I'm lost of ways to settle this. I'm in love with another guy. (not my hubby) I can't get him out of my head, i can't sleep, i can't eat, i can't work. I'm crazy abt this guy. I want to spend time with guy. However, I've been married for 3 years. 2 years into marriage, i found no longer happy with my marriage. We both very busy with work, travelling, juggling with ever demanding parents etc. Our marriage no longer interest me, no passion, no real love.
My hubby confronted me and i told him abt the guy. He's heart broken but willing to forgive me and give another try. Btw-the guy is not the reason i gave my hubby cold shoulders for months. It's his attitude, vulgars words and insensitivity of my feelings.
The issue, i can't lie to my hubby that i need out. I want out but he refused to let me go. He said, "if i can't have you, no one else can." I fear for the other guy. Please, please, please help. thank you.

Hey Heartbreak:
Or should I call that HEARTACHE! I think you need to settle your man down before anything crazy happens to THE OTHER GUY! If you have to lie for now - do it... pretend to your husband that it's going to be AOK till you have time to get your head straight! If you didn't fall for the other guy that hard - but were actually pushed in that direction by your INSENSITIVE, PIG-HEADED husband - you still have to protect THE OTHER GUY now till this crisis passes!
Good luck

I agree with Bonitaj, Heartbreak. Just settle down and do the work involved in ending your marriage without the complication of this other interest. Your husband will always blame the other guy as the reason because it allows him to be blame free.
Best advice (although you are going to hate it) tell your new interest that you need a year to extricate yourself from your marriage. Then do not see him or contact him. If he cares for you and you really do for him, you will both wait and tough it out. Then tell your husband that your interest in this guy was symptomatic of your general unhappiness with the marriage not the cause. Agree with him that you won't date anyone else for a year, but that you want to have a trial separation. Set a date for 3 (or better 6) months to reevaluate things with him.
It is vital that you keep your promise and not date this other guy during that time. It not only means you are giving your marriage a chance to reassert itself, it also means you give yourself a year to get to know what you want in a mate again. Right now, you want out and are ready to give your heart to someone else to justify doing it. Don't get me wrong, this new guy might really truly be your "one" but there's a good chance that in the void left by a lousy marriage, someone who loves you looks tremendously appealing. Good luck, and stay safe. Jealous husbands are dangerous.

Sorry, but the above is not going to work.
You can't turn emotions off at whim, and a year is completely out of the question.
I left my ex-husband after 23 years and two kids.
I did it quickly, honestly and it's the best thing I ever did. If you're really sure about something, then there's no point in waiting. if you're wrong, it's better to find out sooner, rather than wait a whole year, then find out you crapped up.

Heartbreak, your husband is bullying you and using emotional blackmail. You don't mention if you have kids together - I assume as you haven't mentioned them, then you don't.
I suggest you ring your mom and tell her what's happened, then ring his. That way, it's out in the open, people know where you stand, and hopefully, those who count will be supportive.
Then pack a bag and get out of there.
It's the only way to really hit the message home.
Will it cause problems? Upheaval, upset, the sh*t to hit the fan?
Sure it will! It's going to come with a whole new package of trouble you never imagined, so get ready for it!

But be sure that the reason you want this other guy is because you really love him, and not because you don't love your husband.

Because once you've put your dollars where your mouth is, there's never any going back.

If you stay, your husband will never trust you again, he'll always be taking you on a 'guilt-trip', and you will yearn for the life you wanted, and be forever asking yourself why you didn't leave when you could.

Leave your husband becuase it is best for your emotional and physical well-being, not for any other reason.

I echo Alexandra-let someone know immediately what is going on with your husband; you need back-up. Then, definitely, leave!

I completely agree with Alexandra. You can't just linger on this problem for a year (that's just absurd!), there's no reason for it when you have already made up your mind to leave him. If you are sure you want to leave your husband whether your in love with someone else or simply unhappy then do it now. Like Alexandra said, it will bring many issues but that is just the baggage is comes with, there's no way to run away from that. Plus if you don't have kids, it's even easier for you to get out and get a divorce.
Your husband will be mad whether you leave him for someone else, leave him because your unhappy, or any other reason.. he will be unhappy no matter what your reason is that you will be leaving therefore don't worry about pleasing him. You need to decide what you really want to do, how, and when you will do it. Perhaps while your going through this don't contact the other man in your life because you said your husband has a bad attitude and etc.. you don't want your husband to follow you one night and see that you go to a man's place. He will go nuts and I've seen way to much court tv and husband's end up doing some crazy things to their spouse and the other person. You don't want to jeopardize anyone's life, nor do you want the one you are in love with involved in this ordeal especially when it's so fresh. You will be going through a lot and the clearer your mind is, the better.
Good luck and keep us posted!

[quote=Mercy Perhaps while your going through this don't contact the other man in your life because you said your husband has a bad attitude and etc.. you don't want your husband to follow you one night and see that you go to a man's place. He will go nuts and I've seen way to much court tv and husband's end up doing some crazy things to their spouse and the other person. You don't want to jeopardize anyone's life, nor do you want the one you are in love with involved in this ordeal especially when it's so fresh. You will be going through a lot and the clearer your mind is, the better. [/quote]

Mercy's comments echoe the reasoning behind my recommendation of a complete time out from the other relationship while getting stuff sorted out: safety of your new heart throb, and the clarity of mind to make really good decisions for yourself. I am absolutely not an advocate of staying in a miserable relationship, but I am living proof that a rebound romance is a baaaaad idea.

Affairs aren't a good thing for your spiritual wellbeing, it will eat you up. Never ever begin one thing without ending the other first. Oddly enough some people leave one person for another and find out that the new man in their life actually have the same traits or even worse as the one they left.
Remember: there is no such thing as the perfect partner in life, all relationships need working on and ironing out the creases. I should know I been through and come out the other end having remained with my husband and worked things out and the other man actually showing his true colours and realising I was definitely being misguided.
I wish you well with whatever you chose, for this is your life not mine. RIGHT. So be true to yourself.