BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Naive about social acceptance of being CF

I've been reading the posts here for a couple months and have found great strength in reading that I'm not the only one that doesn't want to reproduce. What I am also realizing is that I have been very naive. I always assumed that since I never wanted to have kids I figured everyone else felt the same way. Women that is. Probably because most people I know became pregnant accidentally until recently. I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to go through the suffering and pain of pregnancy/childbirth to have something just cry and whine at them for the next 18 years. It wasn't until I started reading the posts here that I realized that my decision is socially unaccepted. That I shouldn't make comments like "Not intentially" when asked if we're going to have kids. I had no idea that our decision was so looked down upon. Just curious if I'm the only one that has been so naive all my life (I'm 35, so this took me a long time to figure out) or when/how you realized that you were an outsider for your decision.

Naz, I realized that my decision was not as conventional or acceptable as I thought it was when everyone around me started popping out babies, in and out of wedlock. I started getting "bingoed" (people calling you out on why you don't want kids, or people making comments like "when are YOU going to start trying for a BAY-BEEEE?") in my last (NOT MARRIED, BTW) relationship. In my current relationship, the same [censored] happens. I have yet to meet someone face-to-face (outside this forum, actually) who says "Sweet! You don't want kids? Me, neither!" In fact, most replies are the typical "You're young, you'll change your mind" or "It's SOOOOO different when they're yours!" Luckily, my boyfriend is ambivalent about the issue and has no problem with me NEVER reproducing.

Guess what? They are entitled to their opinions, but it'd be nice if they kept it to themselves. We CF-ers are a strange kind of minority, because those who are open-minded about the issue find it weird that we have forums and clubs like No Kidding, but the staunch breeder population is just incredulous that we don't want to join their ranks.

Check out some of the posts on funny replies to bingos. You are lucky your choice hasn't met with opposition (yet!)

Me too! It would be wonderful to find people in real life who would say that kind of thing.

In addition to some of the comments TheBlonde mentioned, which I've gotten too, you get all the "Who's going to take care of you when you're old?" or "You're missing out," or "The best thing about being old is being surrounded grandkids."

I think as someone who wasn't firmly decided on the issue, it opens you up to more of the comments, because people feel like they have room to convince you. Why they want to do that, I still don't understand. I've struggled with the decision, and felt like it wasn't something I wanted to do that much, since about age 8. Any time I tried to talk to someone about it, I've gotten the Bingo responses, and hear people talk badly of CF people (they're selfish, immature, not complete women, etc.). So, I guess it's been pretty clear to me since childhood that not having children is looked down upon by most of society. If it wasn't for that, I'd probably have made the decision without trouble long ago. I feel like a wimp admitting that, but it's true.

I know, sometimes I want to say to people who want kids - "You're young, you'll change your mind!" "Really? But it's SOOO different when it's yours!"

I keep hearing the "who is gonna take care of you when you're old" comment from people. I feel like that question deals with your financial intelligence and not so much with the decision to or not to reproduce. Individuals who make mature decisions, invest early, and set up their financial futures will be taken care of at an old age. Those who don't will be suffering regardless of whether or not they have kids.

I know it has been said a million times before, but having children is absolutely no guarantee that you will have someone to take care of you when you are old.

Naz--consider youself lucky that you have not been met with strong opposition to your decision!

Good point, and I agree. A lot of my mom's complaints stem from money woes. Needing a ride somewhere is a big hassle because she doesn't want to pay $50 for a taxi ride.

But maybe it's more than money too. It is hard to ask for outside help from people who don't know you or care about you. Maybe that's the issue too...just feeling like there would be a time when no one in the world cared about you. That would be depressing.

Sure you can. If they can be nosey, then you can be a smartass. I've used that line a lot!

Naz, like you, I've been really fortunate in both my personal and professional life to not have felt alot of pressure around my childfree status. It probably is a combination of the fact that my parents already have 11 grandchildren so they are not yearning for more and that I live in a large, fairly liberal metro area and work in an environment with quite a lot of professional women who either have delayed or decided not to have kids.

However, that said, the handful of times that I have felt like a freak have always been at the hands of other women who couldn't imagine getting out of bed in the morning if they didn't have kids.

I remember one conversation with a new neighbor (stay at home mom with 3 kids). There were three of us there, her, me and another neighbor (also a stay at home mom). New neighbor turned to me and asked hopefully "Do you have kids?" "Nope", I said. She looked at me like I had said "Nope, I'm an alien from the planet Pluto and we're not allowed to reproduce here on earth", literally turned her back to me and asked the other mom the same question. The two then commenced with baby conversation and proceeded to completely ignore me until I made an awkward exit. It's 5 years later and new neighbor mom has never spoken to me since. While this might seem like an inconsequential exchange, I must admit that it's the worst anyone ever made me feel about my choice-literally like I had no value as a human being because I had no children.

Outside of that, my choice has been met mainly with genuine curiosity by my friends. I grew up in a very small, rural Midwest town where everbody, and I mean everybody, has children. When I went to my 20 year high school reunion last summer I was the only childless attendee and I had two male former classmates (who I hadn't seen since graduation) ask me "What's up with the no kids thing"? They were just genuinely baffled. Kind of like, "Hey, nobody told me that was an option!"

Another close friend asked me the same thing recently (bless her heart, she wanted to make me aware that I was nearing 40 and my time was running out) and I explained to her that I just had never felt "the calling". She laughed and replied "What calling??? Both my kids were accidents. But they are great-they are my whole life". And, I think, therein lies the issue . . . for most people who have kids, their kids are the bulk of their life and so it's hard for them to imagine an alternate life without kids for themselves or anyone else. I really don't think they mean any harm with their comments . . . it's just their reality and what they know.

The thing that bothers me is when I get bingoed by women who don't have children, either. I wonder sometimes if they do it because they regret not having children? (They're not CF, they're CL.)