BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Do I stay or do I go?

I met my husband 10 years ago and we've been married for 8 years. Our relationship as has always been one of communication and we discussed many things before we got married about our expectations, the things we wanted from life, children, religion anything and everything. We agreed that we wanted children and we would wait a while after we married before we began trying for a family.We discussed options if we couldnt have children or if we had a child who was disabled, so it was a real shock when he told me after I'd come off the pill that he didnt want children. For the last 3 years we have been at an impasse and it it getting more and more difficult for me. I dont believe that I'm such a catch that he lied to me in order to get me to marry him and I do believe that he has had a fundamental shift in his views, but I dont know why and he wont discuss it with me.I wonder whether he doesnt feel committed to our relationship or whether after 10 years together he has finally realised that he's married a woman who is a different colour to him and our children would be of mixed parentage and this is now freaking him out. I know he is completely entitled to change his mind and I didnt marry just to have children and there are many good things in our marriage and I do love my husband very much, but I just cant get past the fact that I feel so utterly betrayed by him.I feel I could forgive him nore if he had had an affair, but this just seems os much worse. I have tried and some days I'm very matter of fact about it and some days all I do is cry about it. I need advice and help

This is a tough position to be in. Hopefully you can find some insight here - this is an excellent thread on this topic with some really valuable opinions. There's also some links to the original article and more comments.

Have a read and see what you think.

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I guess you have to decide what is more important to you - your husband or children.

I understand that you are feeling betrayed, but have you talked to him about this? Maybe he just realized that he likes his life the way it is and doesn't want it to change.

I agree with Ingilbert. If having children in your life is of ultimate importance, nothing will make you happier than having them. You have to make that decision for yourself.

If you are open to staying with him despite this decision, does it help you to think of the life you can make for yourselves as a couple without children?

If you haven't been totally open about this with him than you should be. He is not a mind reader. Maybe, he has something on his mind that you should know about. . ask him point blank why you are not talking as you used to OR both SEEK counseling professionally or church wise.
Hope it all works

I agree with Hjm that counseling might be helpful. You definitely need to be able to communicate with him about it, or you won't be able to make a decision. Also, not being able to talk about it is bound to come out elsewhere in your relationship if not dealt with.

I know how you feel, and at times was in a similar position...or at least felt that way. There are a million shades of gray on this issue. A lot of us here have been through either break-ups over it, or are still not completely united with our spouses on it. It's really rough, and I've been there too where I felt betrayed, deprived, cried a lot, etc.

I don't have any easy answers, I'm sorry.

I chose my husband over children, so that was my conclusion (conclusion is a stretch...I'm still working through it to be honest). Right now I still sometimes have pangs of doubt about what I might be missing, a lot like Feebee talked about in a post today. I thought the decision would require a grieving process, and who knows, maybe that is still to come. But most of the time I feel accepting and grateful for my life, and relieved in many ways. It's very nice to feel like there isn't a huge upheaval looming in my future, where I'll have to sacrifice my career and lose the freedom, privacy, and independence I have. This is really the first year of my life experiencing a taste of what it would be like to be CF. Until now having a child was always something I assumed would be a part of my life. It's an interesting experience, and has taught me a lot.

Hang in there and try and get some help to look deeper into it with your husband. That really helped me, as well as reading a lot about it here and on similar sites. There are so many factors involved...societal, biological, changing times...I don't think it's a simple thing anymore.

"Please bear in mind that britgirl is a childfree blog so obviously you're going to get the negative point of view on there... "

Really? Because it's a childfree blog and opinion that disagreed with the proposed methods, does that make it automatically negative? I'm thinking you meant the "opposite view" since much of the conversation, which I thought was realistic, real and positive, was definitely opposite to the views expressed in the original article, particularly shocking was some of the advice given to the woman whose husband did not want to parent, such as "go and get pregnant with someone else.." and just get pregnant anyway, he'll come around, or "threaten him."

Thanks for linking to the article though... the more people that know that this situation exists more we care to admit, the better. My overall view,as when I wrote that post, remains that children should be 100% wanted by BOTH parents.

What concerns me is that he is unwilling to tell you why he has changed his mind. I would want to know what is going on in his mind, if his not wanting to have children is only because he wants it to remain you and he, then thats one thing but if he doesn't want to have children because he doesn't want the ties that bind a person past divorce then I think you should know that before you stay with him and give up having children. I don't know your husband and I don't mean to insinuate he is a bad person but you need to know where you stand with him. Good luck and I hope you can work things out in a way that makes you happy.

First let me say that I am sorry that you are going through this-it must be a very difficult and painful experience.

I would have two pieces of advice. First, before you make any decisions, be sure that you really, truly want children. Not because everyone does, or it's expected of you, or it's the logical next step, but because you really have passion for having and raising a child and can't imagine your life void of that experience.

I have to confess that the only time I ever thought I wanted children in my marriage was when my husband was dead set against it (vs. his regular ambivalence about the topic). It turned into a bit of tug of war with me feeling like he was intentionally denying me this potentially wonderful experience that all my friends were having. As I talked him more into it (never a good idea), and having a child became a real possibility, I realized that if he actually said yes that my life was going to change in ways that terrified me. I think it's human nature to want something more when you think it's slightly out of your reach.

That said, be true to yourself. I have seen too many female friends who truly wanted children acquiesce to their husband's desire not to have a child, learn to live with that decision, and then get to their 40s only to have their husband leave the relationship for various reasons. Now they are without the children they dreamed of, the husband they loved enough to sacrifice their dream and are starting over.

I can hear the pain in your message, but do try to create a compassionate place for your husband to share his perspective. If his feelings really have changed, it may be very difficult for him to talk about knowing that he is causing you pain and if he feels that he's being put in a position of having to defend and justify how he feels. I don't think it's that uncommon that people get married assuming that they will have children and then find as they mature that that was an assumption based on "what everybody does" versus how they discover they really feel as they mature.

That is what happened with my husband and I-we married assuming we would have children, but found as the years went by that neither of use were really that enthused about the idea. Unfortunately, as you are finding, when this realization only happens to one of the parties, this absolutely can feel like "changing the rules" for the other spouse who still really does want children.

Trust in yourself to make the right decision-only you know what you really need out of your life to be happy. Good luck.

Women have a window of opportunity to have kids so we have to apply our minds to the question in our 30s (at the latest) - men however, don't have such a clear cut line and some men only start to think about kids in their 40s+. (this can be a problem too because they then have to find a partner young enough to bear children)
I agree with one of the earlier posts that it's sad when women give up motherhood and stay with their DH only to end up divorced later on but equally, there is no guarantee you will end up a mother if you end your marriage.
I don't know your age - I'm assuming early to mid 30s....
It can be difficult to meet a new partner particularly, if you're trying to rush the process - realistically, it might take years to meet someone suitable and most couples like to establish their relationship before they have kids. If you make a hasty decision you could end up unhappy or divorced.
Another thing that comes to mind is a family friend who agreed to end his marriage because he didn't want kids - he ended up changing his mind and had a son in his mid 40s - his ex wife has no children as she was unable to find a new partner. (it may have been too late for her even if she'd stayed and waited as she would have been 44 when his son was born)
So, you never really know how things will work out...
I think you have to respect your partners wishes - if he were indifferent you might eventually agree to have a child - but if he has decided he definitely doesn't want kids, then you have to make a life changing decision. Stay with your DH and have no kids or leave your husband and hope for the best...
What a dilemma for you - there is no easy answer...