BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage I have failed

LOL Kristen....that's funny!

I'm possibly naive but I have always assumed/felt if you were tempted there must be something missing - there are problems with your relationship - either acknowledged or unacknowledged.
I'm often parted from my husband and have never even been close to cheating...it doesn't cross my mind - I'm emotionally and physically unavailable. I was propositioned by a colleague once and was totally shocked - I explained that I was committed to my husband and happy in my marriage - I think he thought given we were both parted from our partners there would be no harm - doesn't work that way for me.
One of my work colleagues suddenly started to show an interest in men - I noticed her flirting and dressing differently - turned out she was unhappy at home - she wanted reassurance that she was still attractive and could get another male if need be...it was so noticeable that there had been a change in her thinking and attitude....she was all of a sudden - "available".
As I say that may be a simplistic approach - but do happily married people have affairs? Surely, people stray when there needs are not being met or problems are not being sorted out...
Just my thoughts...

I know what you mean I love Richard Gere! In the movie that scene when he smashes that guy over the head - I never saw it coming! Crazy - I wish I could write stuff like that, you know, where the reader doesn't see what's coming next! Sorry, I went a little off topic.

Deborah,

I completely agree with what you are saying. There are definitely things wrong or missing in my marriage. We know we are having a tough time and have talked counseling among other things. His take on counseling is he is the way he is, and I am the way I am and you cant change a person. SO with that being said I have basically begged him to go anyways. He said he would make the appointment for us, and now I'm waiting to see if he does. If not I will of course but I want to make sure he is in this with me.

My marriage is certainly in a rut. We are more like roomies than husband and wife, there's no affection, no intimacy in close to 5 months, etc. etc. I know there is absolutely no excuse for what I did, but I do agree with you 110% that if you stray, typically something is not right in the relationship. Being as though we had these things missing, it made it hard not to respond to someone whom I felt took a genuine interest in me and provided an emotional blanket of sorts. This other guy is a really good person, and I am not sure how I am going to get through all of this with the feelings I have for him. All I know is I still love my Husband and see him in the long term providing for me. I've never felt so torn between two men whom I care about deeply. What one lacks the other has and vice versa. I know that is a very selfish thing for me to say but I am trying to be as upfront and honest with myself as I can be.

Anyways...sorry about my tangent!

lostanddesperate.. I agree counseling will be great. I'm sure if you and your husband both go in there with an open mind and with the mutual drive to want to work things out.. I'm sure it will. I just think about the show on vh1.. hogan knows best. Don't know if you watch it but they (hogan and his wife linda) were having problems, not infidelity (at least they don't say it is that) but married as if they were room mates due to their schedule (or that's how they made it seem on the show). Anyway, the therapist they saw seemed great and the exercises she made them do seem to work out for them. I truly think that in your situation you need to form that bond you two once had.. spend more quality time together.
One thing I recently did with my husband although he is half way around the world.. we wrote down your likes, wants and dislike (we wrote about likes, wants and etc about each other, in general, personal wants, what we wanted from each other, life goals..etc.. we wrote everything) and shared it with each other. We are trying to start somewhat fresh, like if we are getting to know each other all over again. We wrote another list of things we like to do together and we are planning to do them when we reunite again. Before he got deployed we had a great bond and always did things together we liked. ex. fridays we always went to blockbuster and get some take out, saturday was our "date" nights and sunday we always went to the gym in the morning, got home and rested, then I would always cook dinner and it was something new either that I got from the foodnetwork or one of my favorite recipe websites.

Do things you two use to do together that you both enjoyed. And yes detach yourself from the other person.. if you want your marriage to work. Come clean and see what happens. The worst that can happen is divorce but I'm sure if your truly sorry and you will never do such a thing ever again.. your husband will see that and you two will be able to work on your relationship slowly but surely. Im my situation thats how I feel. I always use to say I will never put up with cheating but somehow it's different when your married. I had an exboyfriend cheat, the day I found out I broke it off cold turkey and haven't spoken to him since but like I said in a marriage.. I feel it's different. Of course he will be hurt for a while and it will take him a while to forgive but you also need to know that he may not always forget. Forgetting is the hardest part. I'm a quick forgiver but it is almost impossible for me to forget. I'm still working on it though because we mutuality want our marriage to work out.

I truly think you need to go ahead and make the appointment to see a therapist. If your husband doesn't know about your affair, I'm sure he doesn't think it is important to see a therapist. He knows something is wrong between the two of you especially if you haven't been intimate in 5months but he may not know it's as serious as it is. I think you need to go to the therapist alone at least once to see what will be the best way to tell your husband if he doesn't already know. See what the therapist suggests will be the best way for you to approach him. Have you cut your affair 100%? No calls, no seeing each other.. nothing???

Good luck!!

Mercy, you make some really good points and suggestions for improvement. The only thing I can think of is....if I tell him, he will divorce me. I just don't know is that's a viable thing for me to do at this point. I was thinking of just cutting ties with the other man and concentrating on the issues the Hubby and I have that don't involve the affair. I know that he can not deal with the stress of me cheating. We've talked about it before and I know for a fact that would be the end of us. It's almost like this is my burden to bare and I'm going to have to live with this shame for the rest of my life.

I haven't detached myself entirely from this other man yet. We don't see eachother but on the weekends because of his job. We text daily though and it starts at 6:45 am and ends when I go to bed. It's bad and I know with everything in me that it's so totally wrong, but I am so drawn to him. This whole thing sux. I was thinking of breaking things off tomorrow night. Not sure how to even approach this. Never been in this spot before.

lostanddesperate0601 - It sounds like you and your husband have become disconnected? You have to ask yourself - what has changed? Why has this happened? What did you initially like about your husband and your relationship? Has that changed? Why?
I think all relationships need to be "fed" - take the time and make the effort to stay connected - go on dates, talk and have fun together. So many couples start to go through the motions...work, study, housework - whatever makes up your life - you have to include "us" time.
Hope you're able to reconnect...if you feel that he's your soulmate, he's definitely worth the effort.
I don't think you can reconnect though, if you're still involved with the other man.
In this sort of situation you need to either get back on track with your husband or end it and move on to the other man - that way your husband is free to find a new partner. In this way you're being honest with yourself and fair to all parties.

The choices are simple

Tell your husband or
Get rid of the other man or men to come>>>>

You know it isn't fair to him either.
Why should you have your cake and eat it too and your husband be faithful?

Deborah, you are absolutely right. Everything you say is point on and thank you so much.

Hjm, sorry if this comes off rude but when people's feelings and emotions play a part in something it's not quite as "simple" as you so eliqently put it.

I 110% understand that it's not fair to my Husband. I am aware of that which is why I am seeking out advice and came to this forum in this first place. Everyone has been so nice and respectful but your post came off very harsh.

To all whom have provided wonderful advice and support, thank you.

Having feelings get involved is hard but I agree with Deborah. You need to reconnect with your husband and let the other man behind in order to reconnect. You can't move forward in your marriage if your pulling back by talking to the other man. You need to question how did your relationship get to where it is. Like I said before seek a therapist and decide with him/her what will be the best way to cut ties with the other man since you won't tell your husband. I truly feel that you should tell your husband. With my husband and I had both agreed that if any type of affairs happened between him and I, it would be over in a heartbeat. Since I am in the situation now I think completely different. I never thought I would ever try and work on a relationship in which my partner cheated. Of course it is your choice but I am a true believer that honestly is important. What if you cut ties with your other man and he decides to approach your husband. Would you rather him find out by the other man or by you? Put yourself in your husbands shoes. If he cheated.. would you like to know? would you have liked to be informed of the affair by the other woman or if HE was the one that came clean to you? You need to mentally switch positions as to how would you like for your husband to approach the situation to you if he was the one with an affair.
You also need to ask yourself.. would you be able to live with such a secret if you can leave the other man and work on your relationship with your husband?
Have you thought about maybe your husband is also having an affair? Because if things aren't okay between the two of you and he doesn't seem to really show much emotion.. perhaps he has someone else as well. Even if he does and hasn't told you.. I think that shouldn't be a reason for you to hold your secrets inside. Honesty is the best policy.