BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage I have failed

Michele, you are the best! Excellent advice.

And now I am going to say something that many will not agree with at all.

If you love your husband, don't tell him. You will be hurting him. I know this sounds sneaky and secretive but I will tell you where I heard this advice. I was taking a course on couples coaching and the discussion came about as to whether it is better to tell all or break off the affair, promise yourself you will NEVER break your vows again, and get personal counseling to deal with your guilt.

The professor said the latter because as, she put it, if you tell you may assuage your own guilt but you will hurt an innocent party.

To be honest I don't know what I would do, but you need to make a decision based on not hurting your husband. If you tell him, be prepared for the devatation.

If you love your husband, don't tell him. You will be hurting him.

I've often thought about this theory...hurt someone else to lessen your own guilt.

I can't honestly say I'm in favor or against...I just know for me, my marriage is built on honesty and we don't keep secrets-not that big, anyway. I just don't think I'd be able to go on while my husband had complete faith in me and thought I had never done anything like that. I would partly feel like I was making a fool of him, his faith and confidence in me being so misplaced.
And I'd nevr get over the guilt unless I worked it out with him. So for me, it would be the option of being miserable my whole life while he assumed all was well, or 'sharing' the misery, so to speak, for a while until we can heal together. It probably does sound selfish, but I'm not sure I could go the other route. Our marriage would eventually suffer from my guilt, and I'm sure I would start acting out somehow...to make it eventually come out. And I'm not sure 25 years after the fact is better than right when it happens. Then the spouse will really feel like the marriage was a lie.

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I am really struggling with this whole thing.

This is a wonderful forum. Hopefully I can provide something at some point as you all have done for me.

Thank you again.....

Wow, you have to end it for one. don't say a word to your dh men usually can't forgive and forget like women. He will be devistated as you would be.

Try to get back what you had. Do things together, be extra nice, dress sexy, sex date, etc.

I too am having problems and I am trying to deal but its hard.

Kristen - I don't think you are off base, what you say makes sense, but can she live with herself? She would have to forgive herself and move on without harbouring any guilt. That is not easy for most people to do. If it were me, every time I looked at my husband, I would think about the guilt. I culdn't do it, but I couldn't cheat either.

Then again, did anyone see that movie... the wife is cheating, she gets caught or tells the husband (I can't remember can't even remember the name of the movie) The husband goes to see the lover and ends up talking calmly to him, then sees a snowglobe that he gave his wife at this guys apartment and smashes him over the head with it.....Scared the heck out of me.

Wife1666, thanks for the advice......I appreciate it. I think you are right.

Sue, this is going to be extremely hard for me but I think I am going to have to break off the affair, and commit 110% to my marriage now. This is so hard to think about and I know it hard looking at him everyday knowing what a terrible thing I've done but I really don't see where me telling him is going to help the situation in any way shape or form. What it will do is end my marriage and while if he found out and divorced me, I would deserve every bit of it...I would like to hold on to it if I can.

I don't think there was ever a doubt that you would have to break off the affair. Good luck, be stong. Wife1666 is right about spending more quality time together. Maybe do things you used to do when you were dating. Let us know how you are doing.

Your right...I didn't mean to make it sound like I wasn't. I'm just emotionally vested in this man as he is with me and it bothers me to think of how this will all end up.

I will definitely keep you guys posted.