BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Is cheating okay?

I have been married for a year and 7months to a military man. Everything has been great except for some normal disagreements. I recently found out he had a intimate encounter (several times) with someone while he is overseas away from me. We have been apart now for 6 months and he will be there for a year.. 6 months to go. He says it was a sex thing ONLY but it is no longer going on. I will see him soon and he said he was going to tell me then.. in person. I found out about it by going through his emails and etc. I know I had insecurity problems before and he gave me no reason for it but now I'm going crazy! There's no reason for me to have doubt him before by going through his personal email but I felt like I was losing control since he was so far away. I love him very much and can't even think of what it would be like to get a divorce. I have been faithful this entire time and it just crushes me to know he went to someone else for selfish pleasures. He said he will never do it again but I'm finding it so hard to believe him. I'm overwelmed with the news and I don't know what to do. I do want to work it out and I have been reading some of the articles on this website that has helped me see how we can work through this. I've also been reading posts and responses from people and it's encouraged me to not settle for divorce but to pursuit my relationship.. start off where we "left off" before his deployment. I've read one post where it says some people come out stronger after a situation such as cheating occurs in their relationship. We don't have kids.. no property at the moment.. it would be a clean divorce if that were to happen. Please help me. Some advice.. please! I don't want to lose him but I'm afraid I won't be able to trust again, not to mention being intimate... the thought of what happened will cross my mind and it grosses me out now, I can only imagine it will be worst when we reunite. I'm tried of crying, not eating, not sleeping!

-M

-In need of serious help

Pl. wait till he comes back and tells his side. If he was bad, he would not have given any hint.

I already know his side though. I've interrogated him tremendously. I know every detail about it because I felt that I needed to know.. maybe it's wrong but I was so hurt!!

Yes. this hurts very badly. Try to compose yourself and wait till he returns. He may not repeat this again.

One good thing about the military, is that this is not an uncommon occurence. The stresses of being apart for long periods of time make this an easier option for people.

The reason I say this is a good thing, is because there are counselors on military bases that are used to dealing with this. It is something they see, and have a better grip on how to counsel the military couple than your civilian therapist does. (Although any couple counseling is better than none at all.)

The military life is very hard, especially right now with so much turmoil going on in the middle east. Long separations and stress from worry make things seem like a "must have now" scenario. I'm not excusing your husband's behavior, just giving a possible reason for it. In this case it might truly be "just a sex thing". But, if he is tempted to it once, he can be tempted again.

Is his overseas tour a hardship tour? Does he have to be there by himself, or can you join him? The first couple of years are so hard to be apart in a marriage. You are just starting to really get to know one another (even if you've dated for years).

Check into the counseling offered by the military base - you shoiuld have access to one as a dependant, even if you are not living on one. They will be your best bet for unerstanding and learning how to cope with the situation.

Good luck.

Michelle, you give the best advice.

For being in a similiar situation with me being the guilty party, I can add that it can be strictly about sex when this happens. Mine started off that way....but like an idiot, I didn't stop it and it developed into more. I really have no right to be giving advice based on my current situation so aside from me, I would search within yourself and ask "How much is your marriage worth?". Someone recently told me that and I have found it's helping wonders.

I wish you the best and keep us posted. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.

Thank you Michelle, lostanddesperate and haridas for responding.

Michelle- my husband is actually in korea. Since it is considered a short tour I am not able to go with him unless he were of higher rank. Right now we can not do counseling since he is over there and I'm here but when we go to our next base, that will be on my list of priorities. I want to do couple counseling instead of just individual. Is it still just sex even if it was several times? I feel that he gave her a place, you know.. importance by doing it more than just once. I have been extremely torn that all we talk about is the situation. He seems truly sorry and regrets his actions since he put our marriage on the line. Somehow I feel that his apologies are true but I'm afraid I will not be able to trust him again. I feel that once we move on to our next base and have our lives back on track I might push him away or drive myself crazy with thoughts. I feel that counseling will be a great deal of help. I really don't want to call it quits but it's just so hard.
Although I have not been married that long I truly feel that after this he will never do it again and our marriage will survive but we have spoken about this before. In a previous relationship I was the one that cheated and I never came out about it to any of them so I broke it off with both and moved on. I promised myself to never hurt anyone like that again and I would never EVER do it again and I told my husband this story. Perhaps it's karma? If you believe it in. What goes around comes around. Are my past mistakes coming back to me, twice as hard? I deeply believe that the saying.. "once a cheater always a cheater" is false since I am walking proof of it. But everyone is different and like you said.. "he is tempted to it once, he can be tempted again".
I agree with you Michelle that no matter how long you have known someone you are still getting to know them. As well as the first years of marriage are important. Of course I did not want him to go to korea but it was somethings I had no control over.
Once again thank you for your reply.

I myself also do not agree with the once a cheater always a cheater approach. With the mess that I have caused...if I can get myself out of this....I will NEVER do this again.

Sounds like he is sorry and you guys should work on it. I think if you do work on it, he will have to be a complete and open book. No secrets and you have access to everything. Emails, etc... You have to get comfortable in your marriage again with him. If he really is sorry for what he's done, he wont have an issue with that in the least.

I also believe in Karma....almost to the point where I'm scared to death to think about it with the [censored] that I've done....

Anyways, keep us posted!!!!

Hi again Mercy,

Korea is a sucky tour! My first husband was a helicopter pilot in the army. He was originally scheduled for Korea as hist first tour, but another pilot of same rank and chopper type wanted the tour, so they were able to switch. We went to Hawaii together instead. Should have been a better scenario, oh well...

But one thing that did raise alarm bells with me when I saw the word "Korea" is this: make sure he gets and HIV and Hepatitis test done before the two of you have sex again. The rate for these two diseases are very high in that area. I hate to put more stress on you than you already have, but it is better to be preventative about this info, than to find out he (and you) are infected later on.


Yeah, I believe it actually can be. It is a comfort thing, and I hate to sound sexist here, but men just don't take sex as personally as women.

I don't think "once a cheater, always a cheater" is always the case either. Sometimes I think some people use this statement as a cop-out to not try and work on the marriage. But he will have to earn back your trust, and he needs to know this. I do not think it is unreasonable to have access to his e-mails and such right now. But at some point in time you will have to take the chance and trust him again - otherwise how can he prove himself?

Michelle.. thanks like I've told you before you have the best words!

Korea sure is high on those diseases. He wasn't with a Korean though.. it was some girl that's in the AF as well. But either way he needs to get tested for everything. Thanks for being honest about it and not sugar coating it.

You guys went to Hawaii.. that's wonderful. I hear it's great. We were stuck in Utah for a year before he left to Korea. I am back home now since I decided not to stay alone in Utah by myself.. my family and friends are in Florida so being cross country and having my husband half way around the world was just not a comfortable thought.

I agree women are most sensitive when being intimate because the way he talks about it when I ask him. He shows no feelings, no anything towards what happened between them. He seems (since I can't trust right now I'm not sure) that he much rather give up anything and work "us" out than be single and able to do whatever he wants. And he is willing to stick by me through my roller coaster of emotions and work towards our happiness together. Plus, the encounter they had ended about a month in a half ago before I found out (which was about 4 days ago). What are your feelings on why he would act like nothing bad was happening when we would talk? Even when he was having that affair.. he would call me and act normal with me. I find that to be very hurtful. It happened a month in a half ago but he supposedly was waiting for December when he will be here to tell me in person.. I find it to be odd that someone will wait that long to tell someone in person. Am I just overly thinking it? How can someone hold something like that inside from a month in a half ago until december.. that's about 3 months! Perhaps I can't seem to figure that out since I'm the type of person that if something happens now.. I rather say it now rather than later. I found it to be very selfish that he would wait until december especially because after he gets here a lot is going on. His birthday is 2 days after he gets here..2days after that we are going to central america on a 2 week vacation to spend christmas and new years with my entire family. And while we are there it's my uncle's birthday, my oldest cousin is getting married.. a whole lot of things will be going on. Oh and on top of that in between the family events we have been planning to explore the area since he has never been to the country where we will be going and to get away and stay at this beach resort. I feel that getting away and staying at this beach resort will be the best thing for us right now since we will be able to be alone, talk and for it to just be him and I since we will constantly be surrounded by tons of people. I would have been a total reck and having to see his face.. I would be sick to my stomach if he told me in december!

Yesterday we decided to start fresh.. try to start all over. Starting with writing our likes, wants and etc that we want/like in each other, things we did, personal goals, and so on. We also came to an agreement to do some of the things we did when we were together when he gets here. Somehow I feel at peace knowing that we aren't going to separate but work at it although I still have anger inside of everything. I don't feel so much anger as I did before. Before I would just cry, cry and cry to myself and now I'm okay. Yesterday was a great day actually and today I had a small meltdown but I'm okay now. I feel that I'm too at peace and perhaps I should continue to get angry. When I spoke to him yesterday and today we had a normal conversation like if nothing ever happened. Is that bad?
We were great together before he left.. we always did things together, had our date nights, did things we enjoyed. Fridays was our blockbuster and take out night, saturday date nights, sunday gym, resting and cooking dinner day. Of course it's not always like that but normally if nothing else came up we normally did that because we both enjoyed to just relax and spend quality time together in the house or where ever on the weekends. Like a normal couple we did have our arguements but it was never over something serious like this.. it was dumb things we bickered about.

I do have his passwords all of them now. I knew one of them from before although he didn't know I knew it.. that is how I found out about him and the other girl. I barely ever checked it until the day I found out. She wrote to him because she was mad that he spoke to a mutual friend about what happened because he supposedly didn't know what to do. Turns out his so called friend told the girl and she was very upset. She first wrote to him a bunch of [censored] then as I read what caught my eye was "I would never tell your wife what happened in the past". He wrote back "yes I spoke about it. don't talk to me, why you talking to me now". This was before I knew (obviously if I found out about it by the words she wrote). Apprantly she was upset at him prior to this because he tells me that he called her dumb for something she had said and done one day at work (which was work related) not sure if it was after the affair or this is what stopped it and she got very upset. Then another incident happened when he was hanging out with his guy friend in his room.. she came to the door and he supposedly didn't let her in and told her to leave and shut the door. His guy friend that was in the room with him.. the 3 of them were mutual friends so it was normal for them to get together. After that his friend that he was with then found out about what happened between them also. I feel that to many people know and I feel stupid and embarrassed to try and work it out when others know. What do you think about the whole situation?

I know I have to trust him one day if I want things to work out but it seems so hard to get to that point.