BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Feeling like an outsider

Hi, everyone. I am new to this forum. I found it about a month ago while looking online for couples or singles who shared my same feelings - not wanting to have a child. I was so happy to find this forum. The articles I have been reading seem like I could have written them myself.

I'm 30, almost 31. I just got married this year, so we're newlyweds. My husband has two kids from his former marriage, so he thankfully doesn't want anymore.

My problem is, all my best friends are currently pregnant or have very young kids and I'm constantly being invited to bday parties, baby showers, etc. I don't really like these kid oriented get togethers, but I go for my friends. They are good friends, but I find that we are growing further apart as their bellies grow larger, as their kids turn one, as they start shopping for baby clothes, etc. I'm sick and tired of hearing about baby stuff and tired of hearing "You'll change your mind!". I just don't have that maternal instinct in me. I'm a caring, nice person and love to hang out w/ people and have fun, but I just don't see myself with a child.

I feel so lonely. The only friends I have left w/o children PLAN to find Mr. Right and have kids someday. I don't have a single friend who sees it like I do. I tried going online to find other new friends I could hang out with, but I haven't had any luck. I currently have 6 close gfriends who are pregnant...You heard that right. The other 5 or so have kids 3 and under. Ugh...It's just another world.

What do you all do? Do you have tons of friends just like you? I started to feel left out and lonely the past few months and would love to find friends close to me to go to movies with, dinner, etc.

You all have been there, done that, so thank you....Thank you for your support, your posts, your experiences, everything. It is truly a breath of fresh air to see you all feel the same way.

I have to tell you that I have ONE child, when we go to those kinds of parties, I find the group of adults that is seated far enough away from the fray that they can hear themselves think.

I'm sure it is hard for you because your at an age where alot of women are hearing their biological clock ticking. If you feel comfortable, I would explain that you prefer to remain child free and that you want to live your life with you and your husband.

I personally find it offensive when people put me down by saying something like they are saying to you, like they are totally disregarding my feelings. I think alot of people are not aware that being child free is a lifestyle choice, I am sure alot of people have never even heard the phrase child free, maybe you can educate them.

Welcome alwaysoutside,
Nice to have another on board...
No, you're not alone....although in your circle of friends you must feel like an alien...
I found work was a great way to meet CF people - there were usually some single people, a few CF people (some ended up having kids) and older couples with grown up families. So, we have friends across a fair age range. At 30 very few people in our circle had children.
I was never in the position of all my friends embarking on parenthood at the same time - most of my friends after graduating from university wanted to establish careers, travel and buy a home before taking the plunge. Also, many were undecided and so waited. A few changed their minds about kids and had one later in life.
So, at any point in time we usually had a few CF friends.
Our single friends have been a constant over the years.
Our friends started to have kids from about 33-34 and it continued for the next 10 years....so we socialized with most of these couples until they started families.
We found that we drifted away from people after the kids starting arriving - it just happens - you have less and less in common.

I think you need to broaden your social circle - seek out like minded people - singles and CF couples. If you don't enjoy the family days - I'd gradually take myself out of that circle particularly if you spend all afternoon fending off enquires about parenthood.
You don't have to just disappear - say you have another function and you'll call in for a quick drink or drop in later.
I think it's best not to get drawn into long discussions about your CF stance - I found that fueled the fire so to speak - I always tried to change the subject or provide a very short response - sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.
I know there were people and groups we started to avoid because I found it uncomfortable.
I have 2 CF sisters and a CF SIL so that makes it easier.
Stay strong and believe in yourself and your right to choose.

welcome ! as was stated before you're definitely not alone! i personally think that the 30's are particularly tough for CF people at least it's been for me. it's the age where people start having kids and i find myself as you about having to broaden my circle of friends. i do have a few friends who feel like i do and fortunately i have different kinds of friends. however, my two best friends who live in my area(my other BFF who are both gay live out of state:( )one already has two kids and the other one is pregnant. she's a few months now and i am already experiencing that i don't hear from her as much b/c she's "busy being preggers."is what i call it. she's experiencing terrible morning sickness and then i'm sure as the winter approaches she'll have even less energy to hang out. my other friend who has two kids does make time for me and i appreciate that. however, i do try to spend more time with my other friends who don't have kids.

i know what you mean though about it being hard to make new friends. most of my friends have been long term ones so the prospect of making new ones at least to me is a little bit scary.i tried starting a CF group here in the area but it didn't pan out. i joined a local coffee lovers meet up group which i hope will be more successful. maybe you can try something like that.

i really feel for you having so many of your friends pregnant. i also hate the baby shower thing and am dreading going. if there;'s anyway you can avoid it do it.

by the way i'm 36, my hubby is 37 and we've been married over 9 yrs. even though we both hang out with other people both separately and as a couple we do find ourselves hanging out more by ourselves. does anyone else find this to be true also?

indigo

Yes, I DO feel that way! I have found that my husband and I have been hanging out alone these past few months due to our friends being w/ their children and them being interested in other things (kid movies, kid events, kid shopping, etc). All my current friends are "old" friends from college and high school, so we go back. It's hard parting from them and making new friends. I don't know a single person around me (and it's not like I don't know people....I live in the middle of a busy city) who sees the world as I do - child free. They all want to have kids, they think kid things are CUTE, all they talk about is their pregnancies, etc. I'm sick of it. I don't find baby stuff cute, I don't want to talk about baby beds and diapers. I just want to live a happy adult life w/o the child chaos. Although I have NEVER told my friends I didn't like joining them in the kid functions, they have slowly started to part from me (less calls, etc) bc they see me as the oddball childless person.

The funny thing about all this is that all my friends got pregnant AT THE SAME TIME. 3 are due the SAME MONTH! Once one got pregnant, the others had to follow. My husband calls them sheep.

I just miss the old days when we had fun and did things w/o the word "baby" coming up.

Hey, Always Outside, PM me and maybe we could get together sometime! I live in Lewisville, what part of Dallas are you in? I'm lucky enough to have another female friend who feels the same way about kids as I do (none please!) but all my other coworkers and friends (and now my brother's wife) are all having kids or had kids. I had lunch with some coworkers yesterday (one of which is pregnant and due around Thanksgiving) and of course the baby stories were flying, and I realized I was the only one present who hadn't had a kid! I get along well with these coworkers so it didn't bother me, but I seldom see them outside of work due to their family responsibilities. I'm 37 (my childfree friend is 38) and I enjoy doing fun things around Dallas that aren't kid-oriented. There used to be a Childfree Meetup group, but it fizzled, and I think one of the reasons was that the activities weren't adult enough (dinner at a family-friendly burger joint and miniature golf, and bowling). Anyway, PM sometime, I'd love to meet you, and I have a sports-loving husband, if yours is into sports!

Sorry for the semi-private post, everyone! LOL!

Cindy

I have found it very difficult to find people with a similar mindset regarding children in my area as well. Both my husband and I work hard and I am in grad school full time, so while there is rarely time to hang out anyway, I feel lonely and yearn for close girlfriends with whom I can relate. My husband and I do hang out alone a lot. We can enjoy eachother's company and not hear about what we should do or about little Joey crying to much!

In a way I am very lucky--I have moved around so much that I don't have old friends like always outside to drift away from while they continue on the same path. That must be very hard. I too live in a busy city and you would think you would find more people like us. I lived in Los Angeles a few years back and while I did not like it all that much, there is one area where it was great--many people without kids and no plans for them! We could relate!!

Yes, it's very hard dealing w/ your longtime friends "changing" on you. I'm sure they see me as the culprit in this situation bc I am not like "them" - the majority. It's sad, but I am dealing with it. I can't tell you all how thankful I am for your support and words. It is soooo comforting to read your thoughts and views bc I can totally relate. Hugs and kisses to you all!

i'm also very grateful for this site. in fact after i logged off this morning before work i said to myself "thank god for this site!"

i was starting to feel a little down this morning but i'm trying the best i can and again after reading all these great posts i feel better again.

indigo

Same here Indigo!