BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce How Do I Move On???

Hi...I am in the middle of a divorce right now. My husband and I were married for what I thought was three wonderful years. We've been together as a couple for 10 years and been very close during those 10 years. Looking back on it, the strange thing about our breakup is that nothing was strange or "wrong" (no red flags)...no arguments, nothing strange/distant between us, no change in intimate activities, no strange disappearances or unexplained time away from home. I thought everything was very happy. He met me at the door every day with a huge smile and big hug. We talked and connected every day (or I thought we connected). Then, I took a weekend trip and when I came back home, I came back to a whole new world, literally. He broke the news that he wasn't happy. He said he knew from the day we walked down the isle that he didn't want to marry me. What a jerk! And what a lame excuse! He also threw a bunch of other excuses at me that made no sense. So, I did a little of my own investigating and found that he had another woman. He wasn't going to tell me about her. The only way I found out was by pretending I knew exactly who she was when I asked him about her. He would have denied it otherwise. He'd been seeing her for three months. Our divorce is not final yet. Where I live, you have to wait one year...ugh! I have 7 months left.

At first, I cried for days, literally. My eyes were so swollen, I looked like I'd been stung by bees. I didn't eat for days either. Every time I tried, I couldn't keep it down. I was a mess. I lost a bunch of weight and all my clothes were too big. I went to work with dark circles under my eyes. But, I know I have to continue with my life to survive in this world. I can't just curl into a ball and hide in the closet like I would like to do. So, after 5 months, I have come a long way. The pain is still very real and I still have TONS of anger, still feel abandoned, and stil feel betrayed. But I don't cry as much and I am becoming stronger. We are selling our home, so not only am I losing my best friend, but I am also losing the home I love and have worked my butt off to have.

Understand that this man has been my life for the past ten years. I met him a little after I left home for college, so I grew into an adult with him as the center of my life. Every major event, he was there. And everything I ever did, I did it with his interests at heart. So, a few questions for anyone out there who might be able to help:

1. What did you do to move forward with your life? How did you leave the memories behind and start over? I am looking for something to help other than finding someone else. Most people I've talked to say finding someone else will help, but I want to heal on my own.

2. What helped you learn to trust again? I feel that I will NEVER EVER trust another person on this planet. I don't want to grow old and alone, but somehow that feels easier than risking going thru divorce again.

Sorry this was so long. I had a lot to get out. Thanks for listening and any input is much appreciated.

1. Reading your story sounds like the way I would have written mine, except, I was with him for 13 years. I just moved on and started all over again, without ever looking back! I said to myself that he is the "looser" and not me, so I held my head up high, bought him out of the house and now I own it, concentrated on my job and career, (no kids in my life, I am childfree by choice) and my house.

2. Trust? I trust no man today! After 5 years of this, I am still single and free. I do have friends, but will never marry again! I am not saying I will not have a mate for life, perhaps I will, but never in marriage. You don't have to grow old alone. There are many men out there who do not want to commit to marriage, but are very comfortable in living with someone for life.

Take care, good luck and just say to yourself, "good ridance to bad rubbish!"

Regards,
Pam
New York

jakasaki@yahoo.com

Hi Pam...I'm sorry to hear you had to go thru this too. Thanks for the advice and I am glad to hear you are doing well. I am doing my best to move on, but it is really hard sometimes. Focusing on my job does help, although I have alot of trouble focusing on anything at all sometimes.

You mentioned that there are many men out there who would be happy living with someone for life. But, to live with someone and have that close of a relationship, it seems you would have to trust them? So here I am again - alone...ugh.

By the way - you said you were child free by choice. Me too...no kids in my life either, unless you count my sweet little cat, Lucky :-)

Guys, I am always sorry to hear another woman has gone through this but I have some idea how you feel.

I was taken aback completely when I found out that my husband was having an affair. I knew we were not happy but I thought it was due to other things that had to work with our respective work situations, in fact he led me to beleive this.

Once the shock wore off, it just hit me how at peace things were. I guess I had not realized how unhappy I was until after he was gone. I realized I was always on edge when he was there.

For me there was no magical answer, it just took time. Developing a routine, starting to enjoy MY life without him there. It took me some time to STOP thinking about him, to stop worrying about him, to stop feeling the hole in my life because he was gone. But when all that came, so did the understanding that life was ALOT better without him.

CF Gal & Lisa Orlando.

My b@stard husband left me for someone else as well. He was with this other woman for so long, that I never caught on. We didn't fight, argue or claw at each other. We were a very peaceful couple.

And he walked into the house, one week before Thanksgiving in 2001 and said that he's leaving and we will end the marriage. Right out of the clear blue, just said it.

I didn't know he was having an affair until he bought "the other woman" over the house to help him pack his belongings. Do you ladies believe this sht!!!??? I was fuming!!! But held my head high, didn't break down, smiled and let him to his thing.

When he left, I felt some sort of weight fall off my shoulders.. o:) - That's when I decided to move on and start a new life.

I do have a mate now, a widower I met on the job a few years ago. He has his house and I have mine and I do not believe the two shall be one!!! o:)

He's a great guy, takes care of me but I will NOT be come vulnerable again. I might keep Matt for the rest of my life, who knows, but not in marriage.

I wish everyone the best, and CF GAl, it takes time to trust men again, but you will NOT trust them in the "naive" way you trusted your ex-husband.

Not insulting you here at all with the word "naive", but WE as women, when we get married, the majority of us want that man for life and we put our trust and faith into the marriage, let our guard down and become "naive" to everything around us. Why?

Because we believe and trust in our guy, that's why!

Take care my dears,
Best regards
Pam
New York

And have a happy and safe Labor Day weekend!

Hello,
I'm so sorry that this has happened to all of you. I did not go through this type of situation but I had some bad experiences with my husband & other people in my life. These men are no good to sneak around like this. Don't blame yourself. Men like this will try to make it seem like it was your fault. But they are the ones who are messing around. Also, what is up with some women today that they mess around with a married man? Can't they find a single man? Do they really have to go for a married man? It is time that these women stop participating in fooling around with a man they know is married or with someone else.

Well, all I can say is that the x-husbands will wind up cheating on these women they are involved with. They did not want to be honest & work things out. They will do the same to the girlfriends, eventually. You all are better off without these men. It is hard to trust anytime something terrible like this happens. But not all men are like this. There are good men out there. It will take alot of time. All you can do is learn from it & move forward. You have to feel your feelings & talk to someone about it. Then eventually you will let it go & see that you are better off without a liar.

I wish all of you who posted the best of luck. Also that now you can have a better life without those jerks. At least you won't waste any more of your time with them. Take care & have a good weekend. Best wishes, Judy K. Chicago.

I have to say that because of this situation in my own life, I have a really hard time trusting not only other people but my own judgement. I would LOVE to find someone to share my life with but I am not sure I would recognize the right person if he were to walk up to me.

I am tired of being on my own frankly.

Pinky, I can't believe your ex actually had the nerve to bring the other woman to help him pack! I am fuming just thinking about it I would not have let her come into my home. I would have told him that he could come and pack his things, but she had to wait in the car. AHH! I am so mad at him for doing that to you! But, good for you - for holding your head up and being strong -showing him it didn't bother you (even though I know it did). I'm so sorry you had to go thru that.

Thanks to you all for sharing your experiences. I would never wish this horrible ordeal on anyone, but it is nice to hear from people who can understand how I feel. I have felt pretty alone since this whole thing has happened. I am going to try my best to put this behind me and learn from it. Make myself a better person from it.

And Lisa...I know what you mean - I feel like if the right person were standing right in front of me, I wouldn't know how to recognize them. I was living a lie and didnt' know it..What's to say I wouldn't do the same thing all over again and not know it once again. I certainly relate to what you're saying. Everyone tells me that the divorce will help me learn what to look for in a new mate. But, I'm not so sure about that. Men are awfully good at lying to you. There is no way to know what they tell you is true, unless you have a private investigator the entire time you know them. And who wants to do that? Who has the money even if they wanted to...

Good luck to you ladies. I'll be thinking about you.

One thing I can tell you I have learned. Men are willing to lie to make life easier for themselves with no thought to the consequences for the woman they are taking advantage of. Lie to keep the sex coming, lie to keep the house clean, lie to keep the meals on the table and no matter how many times you do these things for this kind of person, they will love you no more then if you were the hired help and they will keep on taking.

I am 40 with one child and far from being a virgin but I can tell you I have no plans on sleeping with someone easily again. I think this clouds my judgement about a persona motivations. I have no plans on living with someone out of wedlock either. Thats just playing house and if a man wants that, I think its more likely he wants someone to wash his laundry and to keep his house clean and NOT have to pay them. If man is interested in me, he has to respect my child and my responsibilities to her and he would not even suggest living with me.

The right man will know these things, the right man will have some honour and integrity...if that right man doesn't find me then I would rather live on my own with my daughter then put up with being used by a taker again.

1. What did you do to move forward with your life? How did you leave the memories behind and start over? I am looking for something to help other than finding someone else. Most people I've talked to say finding someone else will help, but I want to heal on my own.

For me I found that just time seemed to really help me heal my wounds. Six months after our divorce I was ready to move on and was totally happy with myself and looking forward to a new life.

I had a 2 month old when we divorced and for me I had to get back on my feet for him, if not only for me...do you have kids? I knew I couldn't be this sad depressed mommy because what kind of person would he grow up to be. I don't think finding anyone during my healing process would've helped me at all. You need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with somone else. I think you need to let it go and move on...I know it sounds so simple, but it worked for me. Anothe option to consider is therapy?
FYI
The stages of grieving are:
Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

Anger (why is this happening to me?)

Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

Depression (I don't care anymore)

Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

They say until you have moved thru these stages and some you might go back and forth thru until you finally come to accept your postion, then you are not fully healed.

You say you are losing your BF, but in my book no BF does that to a friend. You have a lot of life left to live, who says you can't grow into a better person yourself without him. You have to look at life positively and with hope. Because if you dwell in the negative feeling of betrayl and hurt then you will never move on.


2. What helped you learn to trust again? I feel that I will NEVER EVER trust another person on this planet. I don't want to grow old and alone, but somehow that feels easier than risking going thru divorce again.

I don't trust anyone right now at least not where my heard is concerned and I really don't want to ever be in a relationship with anyone ever again either. (Take into account I have just recently broken up again with my ex) This tells me that I am not completely healed myself. I still have alot of negative thoughts about realtionships and love in general. There is no reason one cannot be happy alone. I'm sure there are plently of people who are happy single, even more so than those that are attached. BTW, You don't have to be married to be with someone again, I doubt highly that I would ever remarry.