BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Hopeless Father

Hello,
I do quite a bit of reading on this forum and it really helps to know I'm "not alone". Although at times I feel I am. I'm "involved" with a man who has 3 grown daughters - we initially had plans to marry but I no longer want to. Short story - his daughters are grossly disrespectful of him yet he continues to do things for them, give them things, even money at times, etc. Same old story, we rarely hear from them unless they "need" something from him. However, if we need something or whatever, they're no where to be found. Naturally, these girls emanate to their mother - a very controlling/domineering woman. He vents at me that he's not going to do any of these things anymore yet, lo and behold, it continues. We've "discussed" these issues endlessly and he never takes my advice. Frankly, I'm tired of the whole situation - I've given up hoping he'll see the light and I've finally told him that all these endless issues with his kids are his problem. I'm struggling to maintain what little respect I have left for him and just don't know what else to do. I don't want to end the relationship but I also don't know what kind of future we're going to have if things continue this way. We've been together for 6 years. I have the terrible feeling that his kids are always going to be a "thorn in my/our side". I know that's a terrible thing to say. I do know people who have good kids, but, unfortunately I've landed a character whose kids are sorely lacking in that department. I just don't understand what's wrong with some of these Fathers out here - I always treated my Dad with respect because he wouldn't tolerate anything less. It's almost like they're willing to be treated like [censored] by their kids (especially daughters, it seems) to make up for things in their past, divorce, etc. It's all very frustrating and is causing quite a rift in our relationship. I never thought I'd be having problems with other people's kids at this stage of my life. Makes me feel like I need a stiff drink (LOL).

I think that's typical of divorced dads. They almost never get primary custody, so they spend most of the time with their kid spoiling them...trying to make up for any damage mom may be doing/saying about them.
Then it will just continue as the kids become adults. It's still a constant battle between parents, unfortunately.

I think step children have the potential to be the worst thing in a relationship.

I have one child and she and I do fine together but what if I were dating someone with a hell child from a previous marriage, I don't know how I would deal. I can't stand turbelence and would not be able to deal with the things you mention.

I know you're right because his kids have been the primary source of stress since we got together. It seems it's one crisis after another with them, then he jumps right in to try and "save the day" for them. Very frustrating - I just don't know what to do. Who knows, sometimes these things tend to "work themselves out" (or is that wishful thinking?). I hate to say it, but I wish I'd met a CF man.

Dogmomonly....

Trust your intuition about 'thorn in the side'. Take it from someone who knows from experience. I used to be married to a man with 4 grown kids. They were very disrespectful to him/us. They were ultimately the cause of our divorce, because the way he let them treat him, among other things, caused me to lose all respect for him. I am now, unfortunately, married to one with little kids. Thorn in my side is a gross understatement. I have a feeling these kids, in combination with the way my husband lets them get away with anything, are going to be the cause of my current marriage to break up also. Hold out for the CF guy if it takes the rest of your life. Competing with someone else's kids is a bunch of [censored], and I would never do it again.

Thanks DLEE67.

I will follow my intuition about this situation. I just don't see it improving anytime soon. I mean, I'm really seeing the spineless side of him and it bothers me tremendously. He wants me to respect him, but deep down I just can't. And I shouldn't have to compete with his kids, but I feel like I do. Then he acts pathetic and says he's caught in the middle. I think he would be happier if I just kept my mouth shut and didn't make waves. That's what finally prompted me to step away and tell him that the issues with his kids are "his problem". I tell you right now, if this relationship goes bye-bye, the ONLY kind of man I would be interested in would be a CF one.

I really think you'd have to be a saint to put up with anyone else's kids, especially if you don't want any of your own. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to have kids in your life, and yet not feel you have any say in how they behave, what they do, and how they treat you.

I dated a guy whose kids ran his life - well, the younger one anyway - and after about three months I was just totally over it. I just got sick of fighting and coming out second best, and knowing that I was always going to get thrown over so he could pander to the kid - who knew very well what was going on and played it to the hilt. He was very well off, but all the money in the world wouldn't have convinced me to stay. I understand the blood being thicker than water thing, and I wasn't interested in fighting a losing battle. Hence why I, too, will only ever date CF men from now on.

Why be in a relationship with someone you don't respect? Surely you owe yourself more than that...

"And they say Jesus loved the little children, all the children of the world, but he never had to dine with one. He chose the lepers."

Thanks - I love it!

This has truly been a nightmare, and I would advise anyone, even people with their OWN kids, to run as fast as they can, away from anyone who has kids. My husband's two spawn only visit every other weekend, but the irritation seems like full time. The worst part is, if I even LOOK like I might be annoyed by something they do, my husband goes ballistic on ME, in front of his kids!!! What kind of message do you think that sends? The little darlings can do no wrong, you see, and nothing they do should be annoying to me in the slightest. The problem I am facing is that he is too much like a kid himself, to see any of this from my POV. He is way too busy putting himself on their level to act like anything resembling a father. The fact is, being involved with someone who has kids means that you will never be number one to them. I find myself thinking daily, "I don't even like kids. Why the hell am I taking a backseat to them?!" Sadly, I'm sure this marriage is not going to last, and I will not get involved with anyone with kids, grown or otherwise, if I have to live the rest of my life alone.

This is terrible. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say to help though. What about counseling?

I can't imagine being treated that way. Most of the second marriages I know where kids are involved things with the kids never seem easy. Could you take a trip one weekend a month so you only had to be with the kids for one weekend? Maybe visit parents or do something with girlfriends?