BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement How do I help?

This past weekend, a friend of ours died suddenly. His 17 year old son is best friends with my son, and is basically part of our extended family. My husband and I were just starting to be friendly with the boy's parents. My son and my daughter are both devastated for their friend. We, of course are all sad for the family. My worry is that this boy, who is on a great road, good athlete, planning for college, etc...will have a hard time dealing with this and turn in the wrong direction. I know, I am worried about something that has not happened, but I know how close this kid was to his Dad and in the past I have seen good kids go bad after a tramatic incident like this. Any suggestions?

My husband and I went through a similar situation over a year ago. I would just make sure that your son's friend and his mother know that you're available for support.

You can simply offer to help at the house if they need it. I would suggest a specific thing you think that you could do and say you'd like to come do blank (fix a meal, mow their lawn, clean, get them grocies). This way they don't feel they are asking for help. If you leave it up to them you might not get a response.

I would also try to help with your son's friend as much as possible. If possible you can make sure he gets to sporting events, once things settle down I would even go as far as including him in college conversations you're having with your son. Ask him how things are going, does he need help with forms, have any questions, etc? Have your son's friend over for dinner a lot. Being able to escape home occasionally to be in a different environment where normal/more cheerful things are discussed can be helpful. Just feeling he's part of a normal situation for 3 hours at dinner can make a huge difference.

Just make sure they know you're there for them. In a situation like this people even if they don't know you very well are usually grateful for the help/shoulder to lean on. Just make sure you really offer concrete ways you want to help. Vague offers of "we really want to do anything we can," often go unanswered.

ava, excellent advice. sue, memorize her words.

i would also add letting the young man know it's a safe place to talk about his dad, and let his emotions show.

ask what funny stories he likes to tell about dad.

share feelings you had when you lost a parent.

acknowledge that the circumstances of the loss are unique, that you can only imagine the pain. admire his courage.

give him a candle. tell him to light it whenever he wants to be with his dad's memory, talk to him. encourage writing letters in a seperate spiral notebook to his dad.

he may want details of the incident, but won't ask. did his dad suffer? did he die alone? create a safe environment for all questions.

meeting others his age who have lost parents will be helpful.

blessings to all. thank you, sue, for caring for him.