BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage I have failed

Hi everyone, I am new here and hope to recieve some help or advice.

I have terribly failed at everything I thought I stood for. I got married to my Husband 5 1/2 years ago. We have had our issues like others I am sure but this time....I have really messed up. Both of us for a while have known that our relationship is not in a good place...but I have no excuse for what I've done.

I went out roughly 4 months ago with some friends and from there it's been a downward spiral. I met someone whom I thought was just going to be a close friend. Next thing I know....he comes on to me one night, and I respond. To put it bluntly, I have been having an affair since. Not just a physical one but now I am afraid I am emotionally vested in this other person. However, no matter what...I still feel my Husband is my soul mate. Is this possible? I want badly to make this all go away and get my marriage back on track but I am so confused.

My Dad had an affair on my Mom before he died, and I promised myself that would NEVER happen to me....but it has. Now I'm sinking into a hole of depression and feel I'm a sorry piece of [censored]. I have lied, cheated, and become someone I despise.

I care about both of these men....though my Husband more. I don't know what to do. Should I come clean with my Husband? I'm scared.......

You are in a difficult situation. You need to make a decision as to what you are looking for. I can tell from your post that you are sorry for what you have done. I don't know how well you know the man you are having an affair with, but remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. With this guy, there are no money problems or any other issues you have to deal with in a marriage, plus you would be starting that relationship with a lie.

If you really want to save your marriage, in my opinion, you would have to first break off the affair and then come clean with your husband.

You have to also stop beating yourself up and figure out why this affair happened in the first place.

Sue, thanks for the reply. You hit the nail on the head in all instances. I feel exactly what you are saying. I don't think for a split second that if I were not with my Husband that this other relationship would work. I think we would have so many problems and you're right...it would be based on a lie. I'd never be able to proove myself to him. In my heart, I know that thinking about that is a pipe dream. I feel with every fiber in me that my Husband is my soul mate. I just don't know how I could have done something like this and am scared to death of what is going to happen now....if I tell him, he'll make that decision and I will be on here talking about my divorce. I'm okay with that as I would deserve every bit of it. There are things in our marriage and I could come up with reasons for why I did this...but I truly feel that regardless I should have stayed true...and I didn't and there are no excuses that warrent what I have done.

Still I think about this other man who provides things my Husband doesn't....but in the end, I know it's not worth it. I'm at a loss......

I think you know what you have to do. The problem is you are scared. Could you live with yourself if you broke off the affair and didn't tell your husband? Could you fix the problems is your marriage if you stop the affair?

Sue, I feel like I could indeed live with myself if I could break off this affair without hurting the other person or myself for that matter. But does that make me a bad person for saying I could live with myself? I know it will hurt us both as I feel we do have a connection but I have to get the courage to end this if my marriage is worth it (and I feel it is). This other man just makes me feel so good about me....and provides the emotional part that my Hubby doesn't...I don't know how I'm going to do this. I am incredibly scared. I have always been a people pleaser and absolutely hate the thought of others being upset or sad. I have created this situation though....I'm just going through an awful emotional tug of war.

Thanks for your replies. It means a lot!

Does the other guy know you are married? If he doesn't then I see the bigger problem. If he does, then he will have to understand that your first loyalty is to your husband. The more you delay, the worse it is going to be on everyone.

Since you don't feel the relationship outside your marriage can work. I would, without knowing your entire situation of course, break off the affair, tell your husband the truth, explain why it happened and go to counseling. Since something was missing in your marriage that caused you to have the affair counseling could bring this out and hopefully resolve it. If it's an issue that can't be resolved there is always divorce, which would give you the opportunity to find a relationship that you can function in completely and find what you feel you're currently missing.

Since you feel your husband is your soulmate. I think counseling, if he's willing, would be the best bet for making things more forward. Not telling your husband about the affair, prevents working through what got you to the affair, and doesn't change the original problem. This could be something then that might come up again later in a similar situation with either of you.

Sue, yes the "other" guy does know that I am married. He always tells me that he knew what he was getting into when he got involved with me. I don't think he or I EVER thought that we would become emotionally invested in eachother.....you're right though about my first loyalty being to my Husband.

Ava, I agree with all that you say, but I don't think he will do the counseling bit. He says that he doesn't think it will help when I suggest it for the current issues we have. This morning we had a "tiff" and I told him how cold and emotionless our marriage felt to me. Feeling like roomies as opposed to married people......I just don't know...*shrugs*

I have been where you are.

My first marriage ended because of affairs on both of our parts. Mine was first, and the guilt tore me up. I ended it and came clean to my husband about it. For 2 years we limped along, and then I thought we were getting better. We found out we were expecting our 2nd child. But after her birth, he had an affair - one that he was not willing to give up. I don't think he ever truly got over my betrayal. He said his affair was not "retaliation" but I think deep down it at least started that way. We were married for 9 years.

I have been married this time round for 7 years. My husband was not someone who was ever around during my first marriage, we met back up at my HS reunion after my divorce. We dated for 2 years. He knows every dark and horrible secret about me, and still loves me. He knows everything that happened in my first marriage.

I'm not saying there is no hope for your marriage. I have known 2 couples that went through affairs, and (after a few years) have come out with stronger marriages.

I do not know of any couples where affairs have happened, the secret has been kept, and the marriage survived. Even if the secret never gets out, the guilt and feelings that caused the affair in the first place bubble under the surface and poison the relationship. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it really isn't. When arguments over who does the dishes turn into name-calling, insult-slinging verbal assaults; there is poison underneath.

End the affair, talk with your husband, tell him the two of you need counseling for YOU if for nothing else. The marriage may not be salvageable, but you will be able to love and respect yourself, and that is a very strong foundation.

As to
That is what counselors are for. Very rarely are the issues that we openly argue about, the ones that we are actually the most upset about. "Current issues" are almost always based on past issues.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

Very nice post Michele - lots of good advice.