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Did you change your name after marriage? Why or why not? How do you handle the "last name" issue?


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My wife didn't change her name when we got married. She really didn't care one way or another, but if I asked her to do that, she would change her last name to Brown, as compared to her last name A.

Now, I see a woman's last name as her main identity. She has had her same last name for 46 years before she met me. Some other friends who have married have done what "their generation" did -- just change their name "just because" that is what you should do (much like you should have children "just because"). One friend changed her name because she did take the name of her husband -- who ended up being a control freak and lazy, cheating SOB. Thusly, she had a very bad association with that name. When she got married to her current husband, she gleefully changed her name.

I've heard the explanations -- that changing her last name makes her feel more at "oneness" with the relationship, that it is a symbolic "giving of everything" to her husband, things like that. It sounds like force-fed programming that girls receive from their mothers, their friends, and society in general so that they will be "proper women" when they grow up.

My wife has an fairly uncommon last name. She is proud of that name. In addition, I want to see her as an equal in our marriage relationship. By changing her name in my mindset, would mean that she would be "less equal of a person" in my eyes. However, if she insisted on changing her name to mine, I would not stand in her way.

As a man, I never understood that tradition. It seems demeaning to me by making women, who become wives, willingly ...submissive... by sacrificing their last names for the relationship. I understand that it is an individual decision, but it seems to be a decision that is made for them by society, especially for older women.

As for how my wife handles it, she knows that people, who don't know her, will call her L Brown, or Mrs. Brown, or she'll get mail addressed to L Brown occasionally. It's a fun game -- if there is mail addressed to her as L Brown, versus L A, I kid her about it and say "Gee...I didn't know you changed your name. " It really is not a big deal for us.

Overall, the changing of a woman's last name when entering a marriage is a decision I accept, but I just do not understand -- nor do I think I ever will.

I kept my name - I questioned my mother about the topic after attending an aunts wedding when I was about 10.
It never made sense to me so I didn't do it. Your name is your identity.
I then did a school assignment on the marriage ceremony and found that equally confusing - property transfer from father to husband? That's why you lose your fathers name in favour of your husbands - you're now your husbands responsibility.
No, I don't think so...I was not "given away" but rather my parents stood with us together with my PIL to show a merging of families.
I can't imagine many men agreeing to change their names...
I've found often younger women agree to change their names - it seems it's part of the romantic order of things but as you get older it seems to get harder.
I did wonder though what we'd so if we decided to have a child. (which was unlikely)
Some of my colleagues have given their kids hyphenated surnames - that can get difficult if they have children - do their kids have 3 or 4 surnames? Other women have hyphenated their names and given the kids their husband's surname sometimes using their surname as a middle name. It's just a question of finding something that works for you and the child and sits with your belief system.

I changed my name because I wanted to. Maybe it's a selfish vanity thing, I'm not really sure. My husband's family treat me with more respect and love than my own family do, so I am thrilled to be a genuine part of that family by having the same name as them. It also allows me to put some much-needed emotional distance between me and my family. I think it is quite likely, had I not met my husband, that I might have looked at changing my name anyway - actually both names. Which is "funny" in a way, because by changing my name when I married, I've actually kept more of my name than I would have had I still been single now. Much as I hate my first name, I can't bear to change it now because, together with my husband's surname, that is my married name and that means a lot to me.

A friend of my mother's wrote to me the other day and addressed me by my maiden name. I was quite surprised at how angry I felt about that, but also that the name didn't register with me at first. It was just a few seconds, but I think I saw the surname and thought it had come to the wrong person, then I saw the first name and wondered who had the same first name as me(!), then I registered it as my old name. (And then I got annoyed.)

The first time I got married, I hyphenated my maiden name with his last name. The second time I got married, I just took his last name and dropped my maiden name. If I am unwise enough to get married again, I am not sure if I will change my name or not.

I can see if you have children together it would make more sense but I think I would prefer to retain the last name I have now and still have the name of my daughter who is from a previous relationship.

(Just to change the topic slightly for a moment:) Yes, I absolutely have to agree with you on the possession thing. I thought long and hard about this while we were writing our wedding ceremony and I suggested that my hubby and I swap parents and walk down the aisle with each other's parents (both parents). I knew my in-laws would love the idea, but I was very surprised when my own parents happily agreed to it too. It was much nicer than the bride being "given away" by the father.

I also refused to wear a veil because I didn't like or agree with the symbolism of subservience.

No, I couldn't wear a veil either...
And I totally understand about people being sloppy with your choice of surname or refusing to respect your decision.
My SIL introduced me as "Mrs E" for a few years after our wedding - it caused tension and offence particularly as I always respected her choice to take her husband's name. My PIL didn't understand either but they at least, respected my decision.
It was pretty unusual to keep your name in 1989 - it's amazing how far we've come since then - it's now almost a non-issue.

We've just gotten married and I'm keeping my name, mainly because I'm known for work with this name and it's a different surname ie easy for people to find when they're looking for it. If I changed to my husband's surname, it's extremely common and much harder for people to work out which one I'd be in the contacts list.

I have wanted to change my last name since my middle school years. I am uncomfortable carrying the same name as most members of my family. For a long time, my mother's maiden name was under consideration. After I became engaged, my fiance's name replaced that plan.

I am traditional enough to want the symbolic "oneness" of a shared name, but am modern enough to strongly oppose the "giving away" bit in the ceremony. I love my Dad, but he's got nothing to give away. I've been out of his home and daily life for many years now. I'm going to give MYSELF into our marriage, no more or less than my fiance will.

No one "gave me away," either! I walked by myself down the aisle - one bitter old aunt told me I'd regret it, but I never have.

I finally did change my name - I went through the entire gamut of identity issues surrounding it. I was finally forced to make an official decision four years into married life when we tried to file taxes electronically and my name with SS had to match what I was using. I simply added his to mine, no hyphen, and kept my original middle name. It actually gives me a lot of flexibility when signing my name: I can sign just first and his last, first and both lasts, etc. I still have folks who call me by my maiden name, too. I'll answer to about anything. I have to admit, though, I like that we share a last name - it does make me feel more like a family unit (esp. since we don't have kids). But again, it was a difficult decision for me and I had to be sure I'd be happy doing it. The only real hang up I have is getting things addressed to Mrs. HIS-FIRST/LAST NAME. That irks me. I do have my own first name, thank you.