BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Can disagreeing on kids NOT be a deal-breaker?

I have been told by SO many men how after their wives had kids, they never got laid. If men got a clue that not having kids MIGHT mean more sex, who knows what might happen.

Actually I've heard that as well Lisa - in fact, at a recent dinner one of my colleagues (3 kids) said she viewed sex as just another chore or just another demand being made of her and 4 other working mothers agreed with her! And, I don't think they were joking.
Understandable I suppose, when you combine a full time job, kids and running a home.

WOW, thats horrible. When I was married, my favorite way to unwind after a long day was by making love to my husband. It was a HUGE stress releavor for me.

I have heard stories like this as well. Men sometimes feel as if they don't get enough attention when there are children in the home.

Thats one reason that while I know its harder to be a single parent in many ways, at least I didn't have to worry about giving my husband enough attention or trying to come to a compromise about issues involving OUR daughter.

Lisa: Actually, I have told my bf that I'm not sleeping with anyone again until I'm married. (I've never been married and have only slept with one guy who I was with for years. But anyway.) So he's not getting any actual "sex", lol. And you know, honestly, that's a concern of mine that if we were to have kids I'd never see my husband and our sex life would be non-existant. If I'm going to wait until marriage to have sex again, I want to make sure it will be for more than a couple of years, lol.

Hmm, maybe this is a point I should bring to his attention;)

Thank you very much to everyone for all of the feedback. I will definitely be talking to my boyfriend about the child issue but it just hasn't come up yet and I feel a bit awkward saying "What a lovely day we're having! So, did you know I don't want kids?" Hehe. He and I were friends for 2 years before we got together and if I remember correctly I mentioned that I didn't want kids, but I can't remember for sure. Lately (in fact just 2 days ago) he made a mention about "when he has kids" and I started to panic inside. In hindsight I should have taken the opportunity and talked to him about kids right then. I guess my fear is that since we have only ever talked about kids and marriage in a hinting way (I think he's dropping hints to see if I'm on board before he says full-out that he wants to marry me) so I feel a little strange bringing it up at this point. Although even my mom has been telling me that I should bring it up with him, and I think she, and all of you, are right.

I feel like this issue is starting to weigh heavily on my mind. He is the type of boyfriend who would do anything for me, although this is an incredibly serious issue and I would never expect him to give up kids "just for me" if he wouldn't truly be okay with that. It has to make him happy too, not just me.

Well, I guess in the end I just have to talk to him about it. It's very encouraging to hear stories of women who's men wanted kids but later changed their minds or respected their girlfriend's/fiance's/wife's feeling on not wanting children. You guys have given me some hope that maybe this may not be a deal breaker if I talk to him about it soon in an open and honest way where we both feel safe talking about our personal views about it.

Thanks:)!!

Deborah: I completely 100% agree with you! I guess there's a part of me that really (and I mean really) resents all that women have to do when it comes to kids. From what I've seen of people who have kids, the woman's life as she knows it basically ends. You lose you body, your ability to work (sometimes), your autonomy, your sex-drive, your perogitive to have your "own" life and your free time. But men stay at their jobs, keep their same bodies, still want and expect sex and, let's face it, society judges "bad mothers" much more harshly and often than they do fathers.

I feel like if I were to have a child, it's like saying that I'm ok with giving myself up, but I'm just not. I've worked hard to become who I am and achieve the things I have, and I kind of want to keep those things, lol.

My boyfriend's family has said to me a couple of times "We're very family oriented", pretty much out of the blue. Which sort of offended me because I'm family oriented too, and my family is at least twice as large as theirs. Also, I can't help but wonder if a large part of why my boyfriend wants kids is because his parents got divorced when he was a child because his father was on drugs and my boyfriend has mentioned that he wants to be better than his father was. So could it be proving something to himself and others? But he is already nothing like his father, and everyone is aware of that. In my opinion you shouldn't have a child to "prove" anything to anyone. Or who knows, maybe he truly does want kids. I guess what I have to find out if how badly he wants then:/[u][/u]

I'm sure we all wish you best of luck with the "talk".

I guess the key is to be strong, be firm, and not give him any false hopes. Put it out there without drama, just the facts. I've thought long and hard about this, this is my decision, and I will be making sure that there will be no children. If you feel that isn't for you, then I respect your decision to leave.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to justify anything, either. This is your life and you have the say on how it gets lived.

There's nothing to be gained by being non committal and leading the guy on with "maybes" and "somedays". That's just setting you both up for disappointment and recrimination.

I really hope this works out for you as it has for others.

I don't think women (or men)should allow anyone to push them into parenthood. We only have one life and we're entitled to live the life of our choosing.
Over time you may change - you might not - so I agree your partner needs to know how ambivalent/apprehensive you feel - after you have had an open and honest discussion I'm sure you'll have a better idea of where you stand.
I asked my husband on our 2nd date (in a round about way) whether he wanted children. If he had said - absolutely - it would have meant we had different life plans and should take the relationship no further...
Good luck with your frank discussion.

When my fiance Tim and I started going out I brought up the whole kids issue, told him I did not like them and, of course, did not want them. He said he had "always wanted them," and we cried together over it, expecting that night to be our last. Well, he said that night he'd rather have me and no kids, and presently he knows all the negatives to having kids (as his father has three little kids, money issues, we already have kids called cats, etc.). Also I think the day when we went to lunch with his father really helped him realize that kids wouldn't be a good idea, because his little sister (who is 5 or something, I'm not good with ages) screamed and cried the whole time and when we left I freaked out with stress.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that in my situation we started out disagreeing on kids, but he realized he'd just always thought he'd have them, and it turned out in a positive way with NOT having them. The biggest issue with him is how I feel about them, and also how money is a huge factor. He likes to say, "I don't HAVE $150,000 to just throw away on kids." Also when he sees one cry in a restaurant he rolls his eyes and sighs, as I suggest to leave. He's such a great guy and I'm so glad he's decided on me.

UPDATE: I had "the talk" with my boyfriend last night. It went very well, I must say, and lasted for nearly an hour. Needless to say he was very surprised that I didn't want kids, but didn't get angry or argumentative when I told him my feelings on the issue. I just explained why I don't want kids (not a fan of them, don't want to give up my life etc) and that it would likely never change. We both agreed that there is a chance I may eventually change my mind down the road (1% chance:P) and he was happy that I wouldn't want to have kids past 35 (9 years away) because he said "That gives me a long time to convince you." I pointed out how rude that attitude was, and he apologized. Anyhow, I was very worried that he would just end things but he said "It would be stupid to dump the woman I love over this", although I do realize that it's a huge issue not to agree on. Anyway, he said that he's never really given kids much thought or thought about it as deeply as I had, so he'll be doing some serious thinking and wants to talk about it a lot more. So that's a good thing. And then a little while after our talk, he phoned me just to say "I love you" which I thought was really sweet and thoughtful and gave me some hope that he can be ok with this.

So, more talking to come, just wanted to let everyone know about round one, hehe.